Table for Eight (plus one!)

TSMSS--Better than Hallelujah

2010-06-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

I first heard this song about three weeks ago. I used to be an ardent Amy Grant fan but have not been following her as closely since she married Vince Gill. As her life changed, so did her musical style, and my preferences changed as well. As a divorced and remarried mother, I thought I would relate to her more than I did when I was younger, but that hasn't always been the case.

But the last year of my life has been especially difficult. At times, it felt like all I could do was pour out my misery at the feet of the cross. Miraculously, God gave me the strength to testify even in the weakest of my moments, sharing the raw emotion of balancing the human view of justice against God's omniscient scale to a group of 20-something guys at a job site. In my tears, I hope they saw hope even as I struggled to understand how great God's love for me was and is and always will be.

The verses don't woo me, but oh! the refrain of this song speaks volumes to my heart and the path I've been on.

"We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out"
~Amy Grant, "Better Than Hallelujah"

What an amazing realization! Even in my despair, even in the mess, God loves me! He values my tears, my cries of desperation and they are more beautiful to Him than "Hallelujah!" because they are real and heartfelt.

I am so grateful to know, love, be known, and be loved by a Daddy who loves me in my mess. And really, our testimony, our message, is in our mess. How ironic for those of us who survived messes in our childhoods!

"Blessed be the Lord, for he has heard the sound of my pleadings. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." ~Psalm 28:6-7 (NRSV)

[For more of "Then Sings My Soul Saturday" head over to Amy's blog--Signs, Miracles, and Wonders. Thanks to Amy for starting this meme several years ago!]

TSMSS--Beautiful Ending

2010-06-12T23:16:00.001-07:00

There's not much to say...the video will speak for itself. This is my daughter, performing at her public middle school. God was so present and I wish we had outreach planned for after her performance!

"Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and remain with him forever. So comfort and encourage each other with these words." ~I Thessalonians 4:17-18 NLT

Meditation on Christ's Passion: I am Peter

2009-04-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

Meditations on Christ’s Passion

This morning I spent some time rereading the testimonies of Christ’s betrayal, trial, and death. This is by no means the first time I have read these verses. In fact, some of them I know almost by heart because of their importance in the growing of the faith. But the amazing wonderful thing about the Bible is that Scripture is Spirit-breathed and will speak anew to you when you are open to it.

Perhaps for the very first time, I made some quick notes as I read through these Scriptures. Each note has to do with an impression that the Spirit left upon my heart, things that I may or may not have gotten in subsequent readings of Jesus’ passion. And immediately, without much hesitation, five impressions were left on my heart. It is my hope that the Spirit will use me to relay these impressions with as little of me in the way as possible, that my writing may touch or deepen your experience as we prepare for the celebration tomorrow of our Lord’s resurrection.

Part One: Peter--I don’t know You

The first account that I read of the Passion was from Luke’s gospel, Chapters 22 through 24. In Luke 22, verses 31-34, Jesus speaks with Simon Peter:

(31)“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.
(32)But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And
when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”
(33)But he replied,
“Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.”
(34)Jesus answered,
“I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times
that you know me.”

The story continues in verses 54 through 62:

(54)Then seizing him [Jesus], they led him away and took him into the house of
the high priest. Peter followed at a distance.
(55)But when they had kindled
a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down
with them.
(56)A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She
loked closely at him and said, “This man was with him.”
(57)But he denied it.
“Woman, I don’t know him,” he said.
(58)A little later someone else saw him
and said, “You also are one of them.” “Man, I am not!” Peter
replied.
(59)About an hour later another asserted, “Certainly this fellow was
with him, for he is a Galilean.”
(60)Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what
you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed.
(61)The
Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the words the
Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me
three times.”
(62)And he [Peter] went outside and wept bitterly.

As Christians two thousand years after Christ’s death, I think we find it easy to jump to a hasty judgment of Peter. It is easy to point the finger at him and question his faith and his true devotion to the Lord. And yet, before you do this once again…stop and look at it differently. We cannot go back in time and be at the house of the High Priest on that night. And yet, each of us will have many opportunities in our own lives to admit or deny that we know Christ.

In verse 57, Peter tells the woman, “I don’t know him.” In some ways, in that moment, I believe that Peter was telling the truth. As he watched the traumatic events of that day, I wonder if Peter did in fact feel as though he did not know Jesus. Sure, he had been beside Christ throughout the majority of his earthly ministry, and quite often, Jesus met with resistance or taught what was considered controversial teachings, but I wonder if Peter really knew the Jesus who was taken into the custody of the San Hedron for a secret trial. Wasn’t this man, the same one who had broken bread and shared wine with them a few hours earlier somehow different?

I believe that in some ways, Jesus was different at this point. He had gone after the Last Supper to the garden to pray. Peter and the disciples had been asked to keep watch and to pray while Jesus stepped away from them for a very personal conversation with the Father. During that time in the garden, Jesus--both God and man--struggled with his flesh. He knew that the time was come when he would be handed over and sacrificed, and yet his body was weak.

I believe that we experience pain only because of sin. I naively want to believe that without sin in our world, there would be no pain. And yet we know that Christ was without sin, a blameless lamb without blemish, offered as a sacrifice--a Passover Lamb--to purchase our redemption. And the Bible recounts that Jesus struggled with his flesh before he was to die. Why? Because death equals pain. Up to this point, Christ had not endured earthly, human pain. He was blameless. He was without sin or fault. He had felt no pain physically.

But as he hung from the cross, he would take on all sin onto his body. Every ounce of pain that could be felt, he would endure. And although I don’t believe he was afraid, I believe that his flesh like our own was designed to avoid danger and pain. After his time in the garden that evening, I believe that Jesus’ countenance may have changed some. And Peter did not “know” this Jesus who was about to take on himself all that sin.

But Peter is not alone in this story. The Bible does not recount this part of the story so that we can judge Peter. It is retold so that we can see ourselves in the Passion. I am Peter. You are Peter. At some point, perhaps at many points in our journeys of faith, we will all be Peter.

At some point, you have or will be called to testify to your faith. It may be as a child at school, it may be as an adult in the workplace, or it may be in your neighborhood on the weekend. But I know that at some point you are going to be in a position to stand up and live as Christ would, and out of fear you will choose not to do what is right. You will feel like standing up for what is right will alienate you, like it is too hard, or just not know what or how to do the right thing. And in that moment, you too are saying, “I do not know him.”

And it may be for you that when you stop and think about it, you realize that you said this at a point where no one but Jesus was watching you. And perhaps, it will point out to you why Christ had to die. As I write this, I feel heavy conviction for something I did in the “dark”. Something as simple as watching a movie with gratuitous sex in it is choosing to say, “I don’t know him.”

Just before Jesus is taken to the house of the High Priest, in verse 53, he declares to the Jewish officials: “But this is your hour--when darkness reigns.”

Are you like me? Have you done something in secret that screamed to the Lord, I don’t know you? It’s not too late to confess it, repent of it, and ask for forgiveness. Don’t go into the celebration of victory with this bearing down upon you. Lay it at the foot of the cross and let Jesus take away your sin.

Oh, Father, forgive me for judging Peter! I am Peter. It’s been said that a person’s character is fully seen when no one else is looking. And I know that although Peter denied you in public, it is my own denial of you in the “darkness” when no one but you can see me that is most heart-wrenching. Forgive me! What is done in secret will be made known to all, and I repent of my weakness. But I find hope in the knowing that you forgave Peter and used him. Forgive me, strengthen me, and use me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

My Love Song

2009-02-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

You are so beautiful and lovely.

You take my breath away.

I am captivated by who you are and what you are becoming.

My deepest longing is to be with you--always. I want to see you in the morning when you first awaken to greet a new day. I want to see you when you’re sweaty and your hair is falling off your shoulders in the midst of really living life. I want to see you when you are weary from a long day, and starting to fall asleep.

Did you know that I watch you as you sleep? It is the most beautiful sight. In that moment, your deepest beauty consumes me with a desire and passion to know you and be known by you more than you know any other person and are known by them.

Did you know that my heart breaks when you shed a single tear? I feel each one deeply and am troubled by the pain that you have faced and endured. But I want to wipe your tears. Listen. I call to you with a voice saying, “There, there, my love. I know this hurts. But I am here to hold you, to comfort you, to calm you. Here is my shoulder. Cry upon it for a time, but be prepared. I will give you joy to replace those tears.”

Don’t you know you’re beautiful? Did you think he wrote that song as an original idea? laughs No, I set upon his heart and his tongue those words that I say to you each day.

Why do you struggle so? Don’t try so hard. You cannot add to your beauty. Only I can do that. And rest assured that each day that you walk with me, that you look deeply into my eyes, my heart, my way I bless you with a greater beauty.

Do not hide from your beauty. Yes, they hurt you because you are beautiful. But they are the problem, not your beauty. Your beauty is a testimony to our love song. It is the way in which I reach others and touch them, even without you knowing that I have done it. Submit yourself, your beauty, your talent, your everything to me. I will fight for you. I will protect you. Be weak. Take risks. Know that I will keep you from falling.

Think of Elizababy. As she learns to walk, she takes risks. She risks falling and getting hurt. But still she makes the attempt. When she falls, she goes back to her first love--you--looking for healing and comforting. Does she give up and refuse to try again? No. Your love and comfort encourage her to take another risk and try again. Now, I am your first love. Come to me when you fall and get hurt. I will comfort you and heal your wounds. But do not be afraid to try again. I will protect you and encourage you. I am watching you, even when you do not know it. I love you.

Keep Moving Forward

2008-12-31T11:49:00.000-08:00

Everyone is doing their "looking back" on 2008 today. And it makes sense. For many, my family included, this has been a year of many milestones, and not all of them were "happy" ones. (In case you don't live where I do, or haven't been watching even the national news, our last two weeks of 2008 have been entrenched with lots and lots of heavy snow--stop everything, put down your shovel, leave your chains in the trunk--heavy snow. In fact, I live less than 1/2 mile from the grocery store whose roof collapsed as reported on NBC news. We have put two days into shoveling out our roof with another day still ahead of us.)

But it is my deep belief that as Christians, we should not spend so much time looking back. We cannot go back and undo this year. We don't have that power. And I don't believe that is what God wants for us anyway.

(12)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been
made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (13)Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14)I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
--Philippians 3:12-14 NIV

So in light of today's date, I leave this as my farewell to 2008. I'm going to keep moving forward (I borrowed this from "Meet the Robinsons", a Disney movie with a fairly decent message), pressing onward toward the goal--a closer walk with Jesus, and preparation for the final days.

I wish you peace, hope, grace, and love in each of your lives as you enter into the new year. Know that I will be praying for each of you and your families. Only the Father in heaven knows what our futures hold, and praise God He wants the best for us!

Keep moving forward!

Whiter than Snow

2008-12-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

Here is the meditation of my heart this Christmas eve during a season marred by disappointment economically and weather impediments. Oh, and a few pictures of our joyful day!

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
--Psalm 51:7-12 NIV

Elizababy wishes you a very Merry Christmas!

The view from our living room window

(note: the fence that is almost gone between the two yards is 4 feet tall!)

The view on the way to Vancouver, five days ago

May the love of the Father, the sacrifice and gift of Jesus Christ, and the remembrance in the Spirit bless you this holiday, and every day. Loving you each with the love of Christ, because how else could I?

~Ceci

I'll be waiting

2008-12-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

I'll be waiting
I may be young or old and gray
Counting the days
But I'll be waiting
And when I finally see your face
I'll run to meet you
(lyrics from "I'll Be Waiting/The Prodigal's Song by Amy Grant)

Last week at midweek service, Brother Timmy delivered a message that really spoke to me. Or, perhaps I should say that in the time I was in service with my heart and soul quieted, seeking for God's will and a bit of His wisdom, I heard some things that He spoke to me in that still small voice. (Brother Timmy, I apologize if it seemed I was distracted...your message was great...but I was hearing another voice too...I'm confident you'll understand and forgive me!)

In about twenty minutes, God placed some pretty powerful points upon my heart. In the middle of the hype and anticipation for Christmas, God showed me how this really does apply to my walk with Him, or how it should.

If you have children who can count, or at least who can make some approximation to counting, you know that children LOVE to countdown to big events. My daughter listed a countdown in her calendar a year ago that was over 180 days until she flew east to spend a couple of weeks with her grandmother. Each and every day, she checked off the date and knew she was getting close to something spectacular. She could not wait for the day to arrive when she would board the plane and fly 2000 miles to see her grandparents...alone.

We are currently in another countdown. Most of society is in a countdown, even if they do not align themselves with a religion. Everywhere we go right now there are signs telling us how many shopping days are left until Christmas.

In our home, we are counting down the days until our family will be altogether to celebrate Christmas (even though we will be doing this early this year). We've been known to count the days until payday. We've counted days until a vacation begins. We even counted down days until our baby arrived (which due to the unpredictable nature of babies was a little more challenging).

We count down to these events because they are exciting for us. We anticipate them happening because we know, or believe, that something wonderful is going to happen.

The Israelites were also given the opportunity to wait in anticipation for something wonderful. In Egypt, they waited for a deliverer while being bound as slaves.

When the deliverer came to them, they mocked him for his previous service under the Pharoah. He wasn't what they would have chosen for a deliverer. Moses wasn't their choice for the golden child. Yet God knew what He was doing. He set aside Moses to lead the people out of bondage and into the Promised Land.

The Israelites were given the opportunity to wait anxiously to go into the Promised Land. But the spies that they sent into Canaan decided to accept fear instead of a promise, and they wandered for 40 years. The original Israelites who were delivered from Egypt, all but one of them died before setting foot in the Promised Land.

The Israelites were repeatedly given opportunities to wait in anticipation, eager to see God bless them, deliver them, love them, take care of them. And they failed to see the blessing and wait with joy and excitement for what God was going to do for them.

In fact, they went so far as to miss the birth of the Messiah. The baby Jesus could not be the Messiah that was going to be sent to deliver the nation and restore Jerusalem. He was not an earthly king. He was a Nazarene, no less, and nothing good came from Nazareth. They missed the biggest blessing delivered to them although the signs were everywhere around them!

How do you miss the decree from a king to have all baby boys under the age of two murdered? Especially after the history in Egypt with the massacre of Israelite babies during the time of Moses, they should have known that this was a foreboding of something BIG. And what about a bright star that magically appeared in the sky? If this happened today, I could understand and suggest that maybe the lights from the city drowned out the light from the star. But these were times when there was no electricity, and the towns were much smaller. They studied the skies to determine the calendar for planting and reaping. They had no clocks. The sky was their clock and calendar. So how did they not question the appearance of a new bright star? And why were they not even more suspicious about this star when it aligned with the decree by Herod to have the babies killed?

And yet, for each reason I feel that they failed, I know that I am failing also.

In Matthew 24, Jesus speaks to his disciples. He tells them that there are going to be signs that may alarm them. He warns them that wars will break out, there will be famines and earthquakes. He tells them, He tells us, that these are the signs that the time is coming. He warns them about false prophets and a false Messiah. He tells them what to watch for, and to be ready.

And then at last, the sign of the coming of the Son of Man will appear
in the heavens, and there will be deep mourning among all the nations of the earth. And they will see the Son of Man arrive on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. --Matthew 24:30 NLT
Are we ready? We know that Jesus is seated in Heaven and He is
waiting to return to the earth. His Second Coming is going to be glorious.
But
will we be ready? Are we counting the days and getting ready? Or, will
we be
like the Israelites and reject the truth and the blessing because it
doesn't fit
our schedule or our idea of how it should happen?
Is there a sign upon my heart declaring "X days until Jesus arrives!" ???

Father, you have told us that Jesus came to earth to save the lost. And we know that He will make his return soon. The signs that He gave us tell us that time is rapidly approaching. And yet, I fear that I spend less time getting ready for the second coming and rapture than I do for Christmas or summer vacation. How can I be so misled? Illuminate the wrongness of my spirit and let me fix my eyes upon a mark that I cannot put into temporal terms, but which should hold my complete attention. Help me put my efforts into preparing my heart, my household, my community for your glorious reappearing--better than any Christmas gift I could ever buy or wrap. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Away in a Manger

2008-12-03T22:06:00.001-08:00

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head
The stars in the bright sky look down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay

The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes
But little Lord Jesus, no crying He makes
I love thee, Lord Jesus, look down from the sky
And stay by my side until morning is nigh

You know, I really envy Mary. She must have felt somewhat like she had it made. I mean, it Martin Luther got it right and the human baby Jesus didn't awaken and cry at the commotion of the animals in the stable, she truly was most blessed among women!

I write this after letting my baby girl finally cry herself to sleep. I struggle sometimes with knowing whether or not I do the right thing with my children. I suppose that we all do. I know that my last baby (he's 7-1/2 now) was spoiled darn near rotten and I battle undoing that damage each day. But still, nurturing a child isn't wrong. It just can't be. Mind you, I don't hold her all the time. She is not delayed in her development because of being coddled (quite the opposite, her early milestones are the stuff of frantic prayers because at 7 months she's almost walking!). But when she has trouble going to sleep at night, and she cries and cries and cries, it breaks my heart. I want so badly to pick her up and just rock her until she goes to sleep, but I fear that by doing that I will create a situation where she simply won't sleep without me holding her.

(Who am I kidding, I think I have already created this situation!)

I wonder, if the belief of Biblical scholars is correct that Mary was only 14-16 years old when Gabriel visited her, how did she handle motherhood? It was her first baby. Did she know when to let him cry, and when to let him cry himself to sleep? Or, is Martin Luther correct that Jesus in his earthly baby form simply didn't cry?

At sixteen, Mary must have been something for God to choose her to mother and carry his child. I think my children are something special, but they are so common next to baby Jesus, the only begotten son. And yet, I know that Mary was just like me.

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.--Luke 2:19 NIV

Being a mother has brought me much closer to understanding how Mary might have felt. And it has made the death of Jesus Christ even dearer to my heart as well. I don't know if Mary truly understood that her baby boy was going to be born for the purpose of becoming the paschal lamb. But I know that as I watch my children, as I've held these babies in my arms, I've tried to imagine what it would be like to raise them with that kind of knowledge. And the closest I could get was the simple knowledge that their bodies are mortal. We are finite. Perhaps if Mary knew that He was going to die such a brutal death she also knew that it could not hold him.

And there is such joy in knowing that although my children are mortal, their human lives are finite, they have the opportunity to accept Christ into their hearts and lives and have eternal life spiritually, if not physically.

Father, as a mother, I can't imagine what Mary may have felt watching Jesus be led to the hilltop where he was crucified. I wonder if, in that moment, she had flashbacks of his glorious entry into the world--praised by angels, announced by a spectacular star, sought by foreign kings, and feared by the rulers of nations and religion. Part of me wonders if by understanding Mary and her position as a mother, I can know you better. In this season of celebrations, of commercialism and greed, help me keep my life, my heart, and my eyes centered on you and on your gift for all humanity. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Christmas as I know it

2008-12-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

Now to you who believe, this stone [Jesus Christ] is precious. But to those who do not believe, “The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone, and, "A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message-which is also what they were destined for.”--I Peter 2:7-8 NIV
(my emphasis added)

No matter where you live in the US, or even in the "Western World", you know that Christmas is approaching, regardless of whether you are someone who practices active religious faith. In many ways, Christmas has become a cultural holiday and is no longer much of a religious observance. It has been commercialized, and degraded by the desire of greed--children making long lists of toys they have no need for and that most of their families can't practically afford to get them and parents who go deeper and deeper into debt to provide a fraction of what is on that list.

If you follow my writings, you know that I have been struggling for weeks with the commercialism of this season. I am not sure which is worse--commercials almost non-stop from 7am until 9pm of toys, toys and more toys, or the onslaught of commercials depicting a man giving his "beloved" a large, expensive piece of jewelry. Both nauseate me.

And yet I am tied up somewhere in between detesting the commercialism of the holiday and loving it. Sounds ironic that I should at first complain and then be brazen enough to claim to embrace it? Not really. Most of what we do today, even if we are people of faith, to celebrate Christmas is little more than pagan ritual. The winter festivals of yonder year have come home to roost in the Christian home under the guise of "Christian symbolism". Our trees, evergreen, of course, derive from the European festivals of Yule, which sprouted long before the catholic church had reached beyond the Roman Empire. Yule was celebrated in late December into early January, to celebrate the shortest day of the year and the sun god.

And caroling...even caroling has its roots in pagan celebrations.

So, are we truly surprised that this holiday has become synonymous with secularism, pagan rituals, and consumer spending?

But the question is this: HOW DO WE GET BACK TO THE ROOT OF THE CELEBRATION OF CHRIST'S BIRTH?

I don't know just yet. I have had many, many ideas. And I'm going to be perfectly honest, I am afraid of them. Well, not of the ideas, but I'm afraid of the resistance of my family and friends to them. I mean, who isn't going to think I need psychiatric help when I take down the tree and replace it with a crude manger with hay, flanked by a cross with a crown of thorns atop it?

And yet, it may just be that it requires something that drastic to get back, to move back to the real meaning of what we are "supposed" to be celebrating. And if we, as Christians, aren't willing to create a separate celebration, perhaps we should just call it the detested "X-mas" as we have already taken Christ and the mass/holy day out of it.

Just a thought.

Oh, and please keep grumpy comments to a minimum. This is really about me seeking the truth and sharing my journey more than it is an absolute truth or stand at this point. But my goal is to get back to a loving Father who sent Jesus as a tiny baby, knowing that He could never have the relationship He wanted with us without a Savior. And He was wise enough to know that we would reject an adult who just "showed up" one day to die for us. I mean, most of us rejected him as a baby...

Father, this continues to press upon my heart. I am less excited about Christmas this year and I think it's because you are telling me that we really are missing the point. Speak to me clearly, and guide me. Encourage and strengthen me so that as I continue on this path toward Your heart and Your will, I will not cower when it seems tough to do what you have asked me to do. And let the devotion of my heart be upon you, and not upon packages, presents, wrapping paper and bows. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

When God Calls...

2008-11-22T07:26:00.000-08:00

I have often struggled with a message being placed on my heart, or a person who I know I must lift up in prayer (even when I don't know the specifics of why). Sometimes these things happen when I am doing nothing important. I have gotten the pleading of the Spirit to pray for someone while driving on the freeway, and have prayed immediately. But other times, God urges me at times when it's just not "convenient".

Oh, yes, I am going there!

I don't know how many times I have gotten online at nearly midnight, flat out bone-weary and spent an hour or two writing, because God has put something on my heart that I just had to write. I would love to tell you that I'm always faithful to this urging, but I'd be lying to you, and that won't help you or me. In fact, here I am on a Saturday morning, on vacation more or less, at 7:30 in the morning the only one awake in our hotel room. I'm sitting on the floor in the dark (so I don't wake the others) typing this because God is placing that urging upon my heart.

(I'd much rather climb back in bed and be sound asleep and wake totally refreshed in like two hours. I would...but I know that this is not going to happen. I know that if I ignore the Spirit, my day is going to be "off"--emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally--and it will have nothing to do with a lack of sleep. Remember Jonah?)

When God calls, we must be ready to listen. Sometimes His call is going to be inconvenient to our earthly, selfish desires. In fact, I am going to go so far as to say it ALWAYS is inconvenient to our earthly, selfish desires. That's because the Holy, Righteous, True Will of God is entirely in conflict with our human, sinful, selfish, deceitful desires. That is the nature of our sinful being.

But we must be ready to listen. We must take a moment to step back and prepare ourselves to hear God when He speaks to us. I believe it's not unlike what I see modeled in my son's second grade classroom. When Mrs. D has the children working in groups independently of her leading and needs to bring them back together, before she begins to speak she claps a rhythm. The children are instructed the first day of school that when they hear her do this, they stop talking, put down whatever is in their hands, and clap this rhythm back. But Mrs. D does not always use the same rhythm to gather their attention. The rhythm changes. And if they do not stop and listen to her rhythm each time, they will not be able to clap it back.

There are several things that really remind me of how Gods calls me in this. First is that I must be listening, at least on some unconscious level for God to "clap His rhythm" in my heart, just as Mrs. D does in her classroom. The children do not sit still and quiet all day waiting for her. In fact, it is generally because they are so busy, so loud, or so other-focused that she uses this tool. But they must know when they hear it to stop.

Oh, Father, I know what you're thinking...and I'm not ready to hear it, but I know I have to stop right now and clap! (Well, at least within my heart--the other four people sound asleep in my room will NOT be happy if I wake them up!) The second that God begins to place that urging of the Spirit within my heart and soul, I have to stop.

But stopping alone is not enough. The children stop and...........

LISTEN.

If they do not listen, they cannot repeat her rhythm back to her. She calls. They stop. They listen.

How much like God is that? (I have this theory that all you have ever really wanted to know about spiritual growth you can learn from raising, or simply studying, small children!)

He calls us with His Spirit, the Holy Ghost. We are to stop--think of Samuel, of Jonah, of the disciples--and listen. But like Mrs. D, God commands to know that we are paying attention. There is some exercise to show Him that He has our attention. He requires that we clap back His rhythm. This morning, clapping back His rhythm meant that I got up, turned on my laptop and went to a site where my soul could be ministered to. It prepared my heart for the message He was going to give me.

Once the children have clapped back the rhythm, Mrs. D continues with her next instructions. She knows that she has their attention and can move ahead with the certainty (well, they are second graders, so I suppose there never is 100% certainty of anything! LOL) that they are going to hear and follow her instruction.

That is exactly how God works too! When we stop, when take the moment to repeat back to God the rhythm He is placing on our heart, He knows that we are ready to listen. Sometimes that is as simple as saying, "Okay, Father...I'm here. I'm ready." Sometimes it is simply saying, "Jesus." Sometimes it is removing yourself to a quieter situation where you can listen. God will shout if He needs to, but neither one of you (or me) really want that situation. It's not ideal. And then, when He knows He has our full attention, He gives us His instruction!

Now here is where we become second graders, all of us...we still have to choose to follow directions. We have to do what He has told us. (I know that I've gone so far as staying up late, getting up in the middle of the night, etc...to listen, but have ignored His instruction.) When we do what the Spirit leads us to do, there is immense blessing for us and for others. But when we ignore Him, that is where we invite trouble in (remember the whale and our good friend, Jonah?).

God is our teacher, and we are all just a bunch of "grown up" second graders. God needs our attention, and we have to stop, listen, and obey.

(I just did.)

Father, thank you for loving me enough to call me. And thank you for blessing me this morning with an early morning wake up call. I know that I didn't want to get up. Who am I kidding? You already know that too! But I thank you for trusting me with this message, and I pray that I have been faithful enough to touch others, as well as to learn from your instruction. Continue to reign in my life so that although I may be busy living life, I am never too busy to hear your call, to stop, and to obey. I know today is going to be a wonderful day because You were first in it! In Jesus' name, AMEN.

For more about hearing and answering God's call...
--I Samuel 3: the calling of Samuel in the middle of the night
--Jonah: chapter 1 is his first calling, but it's a short book...read the rest!
--Matthew 10: Jesus' calling of the disciples and sending them out

Be blessed, and Happy Saturday!

Some disenchanted evening

2008-11-17T21:42:00.001-08:00

Every year about this time, things change. My simple life seems to be not quite enough. Everywhere I look I see things that remind me that my life just really doesn't measure up--from Martha Stewart shows that model finely carved pumpkins, to perfectly browned turkeys on immaculately placed tables, to jewelry commercials where an unsuspecting woman is swooped off her feet by her boyfriend/fiance/husband with a gift that we can't afford in a situation I will never find myself, to the myriad of toy commercials with adorable children perfectly dressed opening toys under a department store-worthy tree on Christmas morning. These things seem to mock me for about eight weeks each year, screaming at me that my life is just not quite good enough.

I suppose the irony is what this season is really, truly about.

In a week, we will spend hours cleaning our homes and cooking, baking, sauteeing traditional foods such as green beans, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce/relish, followed by pumpkin pie (or apple, or pecan, or whatever suits your fancy). We will stress out about whether there is enough room for all the adults in the dining room, and if there is a relatively "stain-proof" area to host a dozen small children eating without adult supervision (because 17-year old zit-covered Wii-playing cousin Brent doesn't count as supervision). At the last minute Thursday morning we will realize that some critical ingredient for our feast was forsaken and will send our poor husbands running to find a grocery store within ten miles that is actually open to pick it up. Never mind that it will never truly be missed from the recipe. And we will urge the children to sit quietly and not touch anything in front of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. We'll remind Tommy and Sarah to stay out of the kitchen, to wash their hands and face (again!), and to keep their voices down. And Dad will count the seconds until Santa draws up the rear of the parade and he can switch over to the football games.

At dinner, we will put on "airs" and hold hands while Grandpa blesses the food and every other thing he can possibly think of that has happened in the last year that could be considered "prays-worthy". Grandma will pinch his hand after eight minutes, while the kids poke their fingers in the dinner rolls and mashed potatoes. Uncle Joe will spill wine on the new fine linen tablecloth. Aunt Nora will again tell the now infamous story about her first turkey baking fiasco. And your loving spouse will have one eye glued to the TV in the other room (or even worse...receive text updates on the game! on his cell phone at the table).

Afterwards, the men will collect in the den watching the game and fall asleep, feet up on the coffee table and snoring, each to his own drummer. The kids will run to the basement to play which is a blessing only for the minute while you attempt to clean the dining room, kitchen, and living room from a feast to feed twenty. Later, much later, you will tackle a family room that appears to have only barely survived a grenade attack. (You will do this alone at 11pm, barefoot and on hands and knees while wishing you could just go to sleep.) Your mother-in-law will stand and tell you every bit of gossip she has heard in the past month about her co-workers/neighbors/other family without reaching to help with a single dish. She'll ask if you need help halfway through only to pull your poor sister-in-law with a two-month old baby out of the den where she was attempting to calm the baby.

And at nine, the house will be empty once again. The only sound will be your yawns over the third load through the dishwasher and your husband's snoring.

This is what we get for Thanksgiving. But I think it leaves us all a little bit disillusioned. We are bombarded by the media with idyllic settings that we will never experience. And we spend the day stressed out, irritated, short-tempered, snippy, put-out, and overwhelmed. Never do we really stop to take account of our blessings.

I'll be honest. Right now I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas. Not at all.

Why?

Because I am caught in the midst of the commercialism of the holiday. I am caught in the human elements of the holiday. I am weary because I know that it will never be for me what it really ought to be.

I will never experience a truly thankful Thanksgiving the way the first one was. The Pilgrims didn't fuss over what brand of turkey they were going to have, or what kind of stuffing they were going to serve with it. No. They were ecstatic because they had food and had survived! They had learned how to cultivate crops with the help of the Native Americans. The Pilgrim women weren't concerned about whether or not their table linens were the same ones they'd used the last five years (okay, so that was impossible for them....), or whether their hair and makeup was perfect, their clothes as nice and new as could be.

They had food! They had each other! They had survived a year!

What can I be thankful for in the last year? Perhaps by looking at that, I can strip the holiday of its commercialism and truly be thankful.

1. A new big family!
2. A beautiful new baby girl
3. Being able to stay home to raise my children
4. Financial blessings that were unexpected
5. Labor/delivery blessings
6. Time spent with my kids
7. One year wedding anniversary
8. Opportunities to serve and bless others
9. My health and my family's health
10. Freedom of religion

These are just a few. I could go for hours. But the point is simple:

Strip the season of its commercialism and get back to "THANKS-GIVING".

I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
--Psalm 69:30

I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
--Psalm 95:2

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
--Psalm 100:4

Father, it is easy to see why this season is difficult for so many. Without your Spirit dwelling within us, it is impossible to grasp the truth and embrace what this time of year is truly about. Strip from my home, my heart anything that would keep me from seeing and celebrating the blessings that you have given me over the past year, and the promises you have given me that have yet to be fulfilled. Let each moment be a moment of praise and thanksgiving for all that you have given me. Remove the parts of my heart and mind that dwell on what I don't have. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Can't afford to join a gym or expensive weight loss program?

2008-11-12T01:05:00.001-08:00

Are you wanting to lose weight?

Do you balk at the high prices of a weight loss program like Jenny, WW, or N/S? Intimidated by the trainers at the gym? Not ready to read a tome before you get started?

ME TOO/EITHER!

But, I am lucky. I was a pre-nursing student back in the day and took a good general nutrition course back in college. (I know, great...she's armed with knowledge that she doesn't use!) So I know what I need to/should eat, I'm just unsure of the quantities that are best.

It's all good though. Our tax dollars are still hard at work! Check out this site which has been around for years and run by the USDA, MyFoodPyramid. It's simple to use. You've already paid for it (assuming you've worked in the last decade within the USA), and it's not nearly so intimidating. I am going to use it as a jumping off point for my own weight loss.

Taking a step back

2008-11-11T22:38:00.000-08:00

I have spent a large majority of my adult life overweight. After getting married at 18 and moving across the country, I put on almost 50 pounds immediately. A year and a half later, I got pregnant and broke 200 pounds. We had our second child almost immediately, and I weighed 200 when I found out I was expecting again. That was in January 1998. I did well during that pregnancy and only put on eight pounds. But I struggled taking the pregnancy weight off. In spring 1999, my doctor put me on phentermine (the safer half of fen-phen), and I drop over 60 pounds in less than six months. I wore clothes smaller than what I wore at age 18.

We moved across the world, and I did pretty well keeping the weight off although I struggled with adjusting my schedule and routine, battling the blues of being a whole world away from my friends and family. I put on just a tidbit of the weight I had lost again, but I held my loss for a year. And then I got pregnant with baby number three.

There was so much going on in my life at this time. I had a child with special needs, we spent 12 weeks in Hawaii on medevac during the early part of my pregnancy with two small children and no help or vehicle. I got dehydrated and was ordered not to do heavy activities. We ate out because we had no other option. Slowly, I put weight back on during this pregnancy and blossomed to a whopping 225 when I was checked into L&D for delivery in February 2001.

A year later my world fell apart. My husband and I separated. I lost 15 pounds within 6 weeks without even trying. But I never could break below 195. Until 2006.

I resolved one afternoon when I was home sick from work, that I was going to do it. I was tired of being the "fat single-mom" who everybody felt sorry for at work and at church. I was a good mom, I knew, but I felt like I had no value beyond that. I believed that I could never expect to find a good Christian man as long as I was so overweight. What was my body screaming about my lifestyle and about my ability to love me?

So I joined LA Weight Loss. I refused to use their diet bars, and I stuck to the program. I ate foods that I enjoyed. I did well in a culture of food and snacking at work. In fact, my weight loss was so remarkable that it encouraged many others in the office to lose weight, and the company eventually sponsored a "Biggest Loser" competition.

In April 2006, when I signed up for LA Weight Loss I weighed 209 pounds. In mid-November 2006, I hit my goal weight of 154. Along the way, I found that I could get by on mini-snacks of M&M's (10/day) and fruit instead of candy or cookies.

Last summer, I found out that my husband and I were expecting. I was working full-time, something I had never done in my previous pregnancies. And my job was demanding emotionally and mentally. A moment of "off" in my job could cost the company hundreds of dollars. I came home in the evening and couldn't hold my head up until dinner. I wasn't working out. I wasn't eating right.

And guess what? ! ?

That's right, I had a beautiful baby girl, but I also put on almost 90 pounds in a year. Yes, you ready that right. I put on more than 7 pounds a month. In fact, I put on more weight in a year than my 12-year-old daughter weighs. That's alot of weight.

I don't consider myself a yo-yo dieter because I have really only made a massive commitment to weight loss twice, and both times I did lose weight and keep it off, until I got pregnant...sigh.

But I have really been struggling to get my motivation and stick with it since I had our baby girl in April.

And there have been several factors influencing this. I'm not going to go into all of them here as some are very personal. I am dealing with them elsewhere. But I am determined to make the changes I need to do this.

And this is not going to be easy because we are heading into the holiday season and part of our family traditions have included lots of cookie baking. So this means that I have to find a new tradition to start with my family. I have to make changes that last through pregnancies, and not just until they happen. (I would love to have another baby someday...yes, I said it...but I won't do it at this weight.)

My goal is to weigh 150-155. My goal is to be able to run in the park with my kids, to hike in the mountains without losing my breath, to stand and do dishes without my back and knees hurting before they're done, and to be vital, healthy, and alive for my husband, children, and grandchildren.

Goal number one: Stop drinking soda, more than one cup of coffee, and increase my water intake.

I know I can do that. And I will continue to deal with the emotional issues that undermine my ability to believe in myself and stick with it.

The Few

2008-11-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

1-3 Jesus responded by telling still more stories. "God's kingdom," he said, "is like a king who threw a wedding banquet for his son. He sent out servants to call in all the invited guests. And they wouldn't come!

4"He sent out another round of servants, instructing them to tell the guests, 'Look, everything is on the table, the prime rib is ready for carving. Come to the feast!'

5-7"They only shrugged their shoulders and went off, one to weed his garden, another to work in his shop. The rest, with nothing better to do, beat up on the messengers and then killed them. The king was outraged and sent his soldiers to destroy those thugs and level their city.

8-10"Then he told his servants, 'We have a wedding banquet all prepared but no guests. The ones I invited weren't up to it. Go out into the busiest intersections in town and invite anyone you find to the banquet.' The servants went out on the streets and rounded up everyone they laid eyes on, good and bad, regardless. And so the banquet was on—every place filled.

11-13"When the king entered and looked over the scene, he spotted a man who wasn't properly dressed. He said to him, 'Friend, how dare you come in here looking like that!' The man was speechless. Then the king told his servants, 'Get him out of here—fast. Tie him up and ship him to hell. And make sure he doesn't get back in.'

14"That's what I mean when I say, 'Many get invited; only a few make it.'"
--Matthew 22:1-14 (The Message)

Jesus used stories or parables to speak to his disciples and to teach the people. He did this because he knew that there would be many drawn to his teachings who had no real kingdom interest in his life. Many just simply followed the crowds. He would teach using parables to the large crowds knowing that those who had true interest would ask questions or understand the symbolism. At times, he refused to explain himself to the twelve because they lacked faith and understanding.

This parable is representative of his life. In this story, the King is none other than God. His Son is the bridegroom, Jesus Christ. I believe that the servants He sent out where the prophets of the Old Testament plus John the Baptist. They were sent to warn the nation of Israel, the chosen people, of the Messiah's coming. They were invited to share in the wedding feast, and yet as Isaiah had predicted, the nation of Israel denied Jesus as being the Messiah promised to them.

So God extended the invitation through the apostles to the Gentiles, here characterized in verses 8-10. These are common people. They are not friends of the family. They are not distant relatives. These are the people in the busiest parts of town going about their business. All who will come are rounded up and brought to the wedding feast.

And yet, this parable ends on a sad note. The king arrives and finds that one "guest" is not dressed appropriately. The king is angered by this man's lack of respect and throws him out. Jesus ends the parable with a simple yet profound statement:

Many get invited; only a few make it.

I believe that Jesus taught this message to his disciples as a warning. They were a very select group. They were the ones who he explained the meanings of the parables to. And yet, he does not explain this one to them. Here he seems to weed out who will make it and who won't by not explaining the meaning of this parable. Perhaps it was a warning for Judas Iscariot. Perhaps it was meant to thrust a dagger into the hearts of the Scribes and Pharisees.

Or perhaps it was meant for us to read and to think about and ponder.

We know that in John 3, Jesus declares that he did not come into the world to condemn or judge it, but to save it. That lines up with the "many are chosen" part of his warning. It's the second part that becomes a challenge to us.

Few make it. Which makes me think of the Marines. And perhaps that analogy isn't all that bad. The Marines have prided themselves on being the elite branch of our military. Their basic training is more physically demanding, and longer than any other branch. They take immense pride in their uniform (oh how well I know this one...open mouth, insert foot--those dress blues ARE blue, not black...sigh). In fact, the Marines are almost always the first troops sent to any conflict. It is my understanding that the number of enlistees who drop out of basic or are disqualified are highest within the Marines. They are the select few.

In our spiritual lives, which are we? Are we recruited because no one else is left? Will we make it through the physical? Will we fail the first time we are sent out to train in the real world? When our time here on earth, our basic training if you will, is done, will Jesus look at us and choose us? Or will we be like the man who showed up but lacked the foresight to be respectful to his host?

Father, I know that I fail you so many times. I have reflected many times on chance meetings where I dropped the ball when I could have witnessed for you or lifted up a sister or brother who was struggling. I have come into your presence with disrespect in my mind and heart--holding onto the commonalities of human existence instead of shedding them for joy, thanksgiving, praise and worship. Forgive me for my disrespect. I am proud to have been chosen at all, and it is my goal to make it into your eternal kingdom. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Knee time

2008-11-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.
16 I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.
--2 Chronicles 7:14-16 (The Message)

I began this series of entries from 2 Chronicles chapter 7 last week before the election. I see so many parallels between Israel and the United States. And I know that I'm not the first or the last person to draw these parallels. It's a type and shadow.

God tells Solomon the same thing He has told His people since He first spoke to Adam in Eden. "Listen to me, follow my instructions, and your life will be simple and blessed. But if you ignore me, if you forgo my commandments and seek after wordly pleasures, your life will be filled with terrors, calamity, illness, war."

I almost need to take a step back to write this. I feel so much right now that I am unclear as to where I should start, how far I should go, and where I should end.

At this point, Israel was in a pretty good standing with God. Solomon, although not a perfect king, was a great ruler and had a deep faith in and relationship with God. He was king for one simple reason: God had promised his father, David, that if he remained in God's way, his line would be seated on the throne. Solomon himself had done nothing to earn his seat. His father had secured it for him. Solomon remained a powerful king because of the choices he made once he was anointed.

That is so much like our relationship with our Father. We have been given a seat, a place in eternity with the Father, not because of anything we have done, but because of what our Father has done. Our Father bought our place in heaven with the sacred blood of His child, Jesus Christ. We can certainly mess that up. We can back slide. We can deny God of His power. But we can not earn our place in heaven. We just can't. All we can do is disable ourselves from getting there.

Even so, God had a desire to be with His children Israel. Time after time, they went their own ways. They sought unions and marriages with peoples who served false gods. They turned their back on God and griped about their position. "There's nothing to eat! Not more manna! Can't we just go back to Egypt, at least we had onions and leeks to eat there!" And they fell from God's favor.

For a time.

The Israelite history is a circuitous one. The children of Israel would repent, would re-establish the law as the norm for their lives and government, and then something would happen to test them, and they walked away from God. And God knew their hearts. He knew what it would take to awaken their souls and bring them back to Him. Perhaps His punishments seem harsh to us. Can you imagine how they seemed to the Israelites?

But always, God has given them, us, another chance. But if my people, who are called by name, will humble themselves and PRAY and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Our country is called by the name of God. It was founded upon the principals of religious freedom, one nation under God. The cornerstone of our Constitution and Bill of Rights are biblical truths. We are Israel, we are His children, called by his name. But we have not humbled ourselves. We have not prayed and sought God. We have not turned from our wicked ways. And we live in a broken, troubled world because of it.

How do I know this? I know this because a man was elected today who will legalize partial birth abortion. I know this because many states are voting to redefine marriage as a union between members of the same sex. I know this because it is offensive for my child to say a blessing over lunch in the public school. I know this because our country is hated by countries of other faiths. We serve greed and the "redistribution of wealth." We award business leaders who practice high-risk tactics while tax money is being used to bail these businesses out. I know this because we wonder if it should be okay for a critically-ill person to ask a doctor for lethal doses of drugs.

Our country has turned away from God. I venture to say that today many people went to the polls and voted for "change" without looking at what cost they were going to pay. And it reminds me of the beginning of the darkest periods of the Israelites' history--the periods when they were oppressed by other nations, when their kings were power hungry, and when the blessing of God was removed from their nation.

There are two things that give me peace at this moment, perhaps three.
1. Even in the periods of history when Israel as a nation turned from God, He protected the minority of His people who remained faithful to Him.
2. So long as we are alive and standing, we still have the ability to get down on our knees and pray, seek His face, and be delivered and receive His blessing again.
3. God has promised to listen when we finally get "it" and turn back to Him whole-heartedly.

It is "KNEE TIME" in our country today. We are entering a period that would terrify me if I did not know the Word of the Lord. I know that God still is there. I know that God will still listen. I will hear from heaven. God will hear us when we call on Him.

I think of Jeremiah and Isaiah and the other Old Testament prophets. They must have been highly unpopular in their day. Can you imagine telling the leader of a mighty nation that his country and his people, including himself, would be delivered into the hands of Babylon? I wouldn't want that job. And yet, I feel some of that burden today.

In the United States, we have watered down what it means to be a Christian. We say a nice little prayer at an altar call, we put bumper stickers on our cars with the "Jesus fishy" on it, and if we're really good Christians, we join a small group Bible study and perhaps put our children in private Christian schools. In some ways, we walk the walk. But we fail so miserably in other ways.

I have a pre-teen daughter. I love her with more love than I could dream of. I want her to wait until she is married to have sex. And yet, even in the "church" community, it is not uncommon to hear of lowered standards. "Everyone does it anyway, you might as well plan that she will too."

Excuse me?!? God created marriage and sex to be mutually inclusive. Can you have sex before marriage? Sure, but don't count on a blessing coming out of it! And that is exactly what I've taught my daughter. AIDS? HIV? Sin! Birth control? It's called abstinence! If you aren't married, and you don't want to have a baby, you don't participate in sexual activity. This isn't a radical thought process! This is the way God designed it for our best interest.

This is only one example of the "dumbing down" of our faith in the United States. If you vote for a political candidate who will support further abortion rights and claim to believe the Bible is the infallible word of God, something just doesn't jive.

I heard today that Evangelicals in the United States were/are disillusioned with the Bush administration. Why? He is a human, imperfect like them. And they believe that by voting en masse for the opposite end of the spectrum is going to help restore their illusion? See the key here is this...it's all an illusion.

Our country has wandered so far away from its Christian roots, it's almost hard to believe that there were any to start with. What our country needs is change, but not Mr. Obama's marxist, socialized government-style of Kool-aid change. Our country needs revival.

My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.

I believe God chose our country to be what it was. It was to be a place where we could seek Him, serve Him, worship Him, free of the encumbrances of the government. And yet today, our country is exactly the opposite. But we have His promise to us, just as He promised Israel that when we seek Him, when we repent, when we pray, He will listen. And then He will heal our land.

We need more knee time. Don't settle for the lines that you are being sold. Don't accept anything less than what God has for you and for our country. Pray for revival to sweep our land. Pray for the restoration of a mighty country "one nation under God". Pray that we will again become "indivisible".

Whatever you do, PRAY.

Father, you continue to lay this upon my heart. I believe we are entering into a dark period in our country's history. And yet, we have chosen this path. We have turned from you and your promises to us. I cannot be change for everyone. But I can continue to write what you lay upon my heart without fear of being offensive knowing that my desire is to bless you and to do your will. And I will continue to come to you in prayer, in repentance, and seek your face, your will for my life. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Choosing a mindset

2008-11-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

If you know me, you know where my allegiances lie in light of the election. The candidate I voted for did not win. In fact, I haven't even seen a number listed for how many votes he did receive, not even in estimation as a sidenote. But that is because for the first time in my life I voted in line with my spiritual beliefs and not with the "big parties". (I'm going to forgo a spiel about how our country has forgotten that there are other parties...)

My vote was not a wasted vote. When I lay my head down tonight upon my pillow, I can rest assured that if I wake up standing before my Maker and He asks me why or how I chose to vote for the person I voted for, I can say that I voted in line with my beliefs, in line with the Bible and the law. I am at complete peace with that. My vote is my voice and my voice says, "I believe in Jesus Christ, in life, and in standing for those values in the face of a society who doesn't embrace them."

But since a new president has been elected, a man whose views are heavily contradictory to my own, I have some choices to make.

First, I am a Christian. I need to make the decision to do what Jesus would do. I know that Jesus looks at Mr. Obama the same way that He looks at me. He created Mr. Obama. He longs to have a personal relationship with him. He loves him just as much as He loves me.

Second, I am a mother. There are four children in my home (sometimes six!) who are looking at how I respond in light of a political leader rising to power who I vehemently disagree with. However, he is the chosen leader of our country, a country that I love, that I am blessed to live in because it allows me freedoms that I take for granted. My children are watching to see if I respect this man's leadership. They are watching to see how I balance my beliefs with the moral barometer of our country. They are going to watch how I act compared to how I speak.

Third, I am a former military wife. I understand the importance of the role of commander-in-chief. I know that Mr. Obama's role as such will have far reaching impact, in ways that many other presidents have not had.

So I need to make choices. I need to choose right now how to balance respect for the election and the person elected as executive to our country while still not approving of that person's views. And I plan to do what I know that my grandmother would do.

I plan to pray. I plan to write letters. I plan to email members of Congress. I will practice creative non-violence, if need be. But I will respect Mr. Obama's role as the elected leader. I will continue to be proud to be an American. I will continue to live with morals dictated by my faith and not the radical left or popular opinion. I will continue to live for Jesus. And I'm going to talk about my beliefs with my children more.

I'm choosing a mindset that is positive without embracing what I see as a moment of darkness for our country. And I choose to pray with a new fervency,
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Face Time

2008-10-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

12 Then one night the Lord appeared to Solomon and said, “I have heard your prayer and have chosen this Temple as the place for making sacrifices.

13 At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or command grasshoppers to devour your crops, or send plagues among you.

14 Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.

15 My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to every prayer made in this place.

16 For I have chosen this Temple and set it apart to be holy—a place where my name will be honored forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart...

19 “But if you or your descendants abandon me and disobey the decrees and commands I have given you, and if you serve and worship other gods,

20 then I will uproot the people from this land that I have given them. I will reject this Temple that I have made holy to honor my name. I will make it an object of mockery and ridicule among the nations.

21 And though this Temple is impressive now, all who pass by will be appalled. They will ask, ‘Why did the Lord do such terrible things to this land and to this Temple?’

22 “And the answer will be, ‘Because his people abandoned the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and they worshiped other gods instead and bowed down to them. That is why he has brought all these disasters on them.’”

(from 2 Chronicles 7:12-16, 19-22 NLT)

Once upon a time ago, I was a military wife. And I remember hearing the enlisted guys talk about "face time". The term referred to the amount of time they worked with or directly under an officer who would have the ability to help them get promoted. Most of the time, you wanted face time. The enlisted members who received the most face time (for positive reasons and not for correction) had a great advantage for getting nominated for service awards and medals. Especially in the upper levels of the enlisted force, this face time which equalled being known paired with awards and medals can make or break a promotion.

Here in 2 Chronicles, God speaks to King Solomon after the completion of the Temple in Jerusalem. This has been Solomon's pet project, an inheritance from his father David who could not build it because of his military background. Solomon has spared no cost on parts, materials, and labors. I guarantee you that Solomon did not accept a single "lowest bid" to have this temple built. This temple was to be grand. It was to be legendary. It was to state for all the future generations on earth how much David and Solomon loved and served their God.

"I have chosen." God assures Solomon that this is a pleasing thing he's done. God's spirit must have laid upon Solomon and David as they chose the plan and location for this temple. God has chosen both men to be king in their due time, and He has chosen Solomon to be the architect of His Temple.

In the upper enlisted ranks, there is a selection process. Packages are put together, and there are sometimes interviewing boards to select nominees for promotion. Again, face time leads to being chosen.

"I might shut up the heavens, or send plagues among you." Wow! I'm not sure how Solomon responded to this declaration from the Lord. I can only imagine how I would respond. And well, I would have been indignant. I would have wanted to point out this temple yet again and ask why the Lord might send disaster to my door. I mean, this was one of Solomon's greatest accomplishment which the Lord had just blessed, how could He turn in the same breath and say He might send calamity?

But then I think about character, especially how we develop character. I've heard it said more than once that character is defined by how you responding when everything is stripped away from you. And at the root, our real character is evident when nothing and no one is around. While tragedy and crisis work to develop our character, how you respond or act when no one is looking really defines your character.

And I wonder if Solomon understood that God was not attempting to be mean or cold-hearted, but would seek true believers but putting their character to the test through famine and pestilence. Perhaps in his magnificent wisdom he could see that the Father knew what He was going to do. Or maybe, unlike me, he was patient and waited to hear everything that the Father had to say before responding.

I would bet that when there are selection boards in the military, one of the things that they look at is a soldier's ability to stay strong, rational, and effective in the light of crisis. And, if they have done this while under the direct supervision of a high ranking officer, I'm sure that the "face time" is immense.

We need to seek God's face more. It is too easy for us to seek the admiration and glory bestowed by men. Who doesn't like to get a Kudos or an "Atta Boy" every now and then? And our society is based upon achievement which only further propagates our desire to be the best and strive for excellence in the sight of men. And yet, it seems to be almost impossible to seek fame and adoration by the masses and still have a heart that seeks God's face first and foremost.

I believe that so many of my problems today arise from my desire to seek the face of the world and ignoring God and His will for my life. I put hours into training for career skills. I worked long hours, pushed aside my family in the attempt to pay bills so that we met the "status quo", and longed for promotion. And yet, I believe had I sought God's face first, I would have made my bills without the struggle to be the best employee by going above and beyond. In fact, I believe that I likely hurt my chances for promotion because I tried so hard. I was taken for granted by my employer. And who wouldn't take someone who works hard and for little pay take that for granted?

But if I had instead sought God's face, face time with the King, I believe things may have been different. My desires would have been different. My relationship with my children would have been different.

And the amazing part of it all is this: When I realized my error, and I turned away and began to seek the face of God, grace was there to wash away my past mistakes. God forgot about my misplaced priorities. He restored me--to my children, to the community, to the church, and to a loving marriage. All I had to do is seek His face.

Father, I am amazed at how easy it is to please you sometimes, and yet how ignorantly I choose to do things that are anything but pleasing. Please forgive me for the error of my ways. I come to you now seeking your face and the glory that only you can give me. And I pray that the beauty of your face will be reflected upon mine as I strive to know you more and more and serve your people. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Check back for Part Two: Knee Time

[silence]

2008-10-28T23:28:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I am taking a break from the political scene. I can't stand it anymore. The media bias has overwhelmed me--from both sides, from the mainstream left to the "backwoods" right views. I am tired of this campaign.

To be honest, I think the two major political parties have NOTHING new to offer. And I know that the smaller parties don't have the money to gain the support needed to win the election.

I am voting, rest assured. I wouldn't miss it for anything. Because above the irritating whine of the media is the knowledge that I have a voice, even if it is a small one.

And even bigger than that...I'm praying. Because I believe that the only thing that can save our country from where it is right now is God.

So I'm turning off the TV news. I'm avoiding some of my favorite blogs and websites. I'll be back on Wednesday. Until then, I'm going to pray. Perhaps I'll fast and pray too. Join me, won't you?

Starting over...again

2008-10-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to be perfectly honest with all of this. Two years ago, I joined LA Weight Loss and in just seven months, I lost nearly 70 pounds. I didn't do the supplements. I just changed the way I ate. The program really worked for me. I felt great, I looked great. I WAS GREAT!

And then I met my wonderful husband. I stopped going to the gym four times a week. We started keeping sugar and white flour in the house. I got pregnant. I worked fulltime during my pregnancy which sucked out all the energy I had to start with, so I sat on my rear end for nine months. And surprise, surprise...I put back on EVERY SINGLE POUND plus a few new ones.

UGH!

And while I know that I can do what I did back then again, it has alluded me. I've tried other diets, only to find them expensive and then quitting. But tonight, I set out to find a diet plan online that was similar or identical to the eating plan I used before.

AND I DID IT!

So this weekend is payday. I resolve to sit down and plan "our" menus for the next two weeks using the plan. I resolve to get exercise back into my routine EVERYDAY. And I resolve to really work hard on the maintenance this time because it is absolutely embarassing to know that I did so well before only to put it back on.

Check back later. I'm going to post a "before" pic. In it, I will pose very similarly to what they do on the Biggest Loser. I'm going to mark out a spot in the house and an outfit to wear. Every four weeks, I will pose again. I am going to keep the diary and record the water intake, the food, the exercise. Why? Simply because I know it works.

So here's to starting over again!

The problem is me

2008-10-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

That may seem like a big statement to make. In fact, even as I sit here writing this, I want to say no and go to bed and ignore what is on my heart. And yet I know that like Jonah, I will be tossed in the sea and spit out by the big fish if I am not faithful to the command of the Lord.

We all have problems. Jesus said in Matthew that in this world, well, we would have problems. We would persecuted because we love him. But from the time that rotten old serpent slithered his way into Eve's vision and brought doubt into her mind, this world has been full of problems. Sin created our problems.

But, what of the born again, sanctified, blood-washed saint? Paul said in Romans 6:14,

Sin is no longer your master, for you are no longer subject to the law,
which enslaves you to sin. Instead, you are free by God's
grace. (NLT)

If we are no longer slaves to sin, than how is it that we still have problems?

With the economy what it is, and the choice we have made for me to stay home and raise our children and manage the household, we are struggling at times to make sense of it all. As we pay off debt, our utilities increase. We never seem to get ahead. We continue to tithe, as we continue to pray believing that no one can afford not to tithe, nor can anyone afford not to spend time in prayer.

God continues to be faithful. He was, He is, and He is to come. Not one letter of His word has changed since He first delivered it to the writers via divine inspiration. And yet, with all of the Bible that I have read and studied, with all of the witness and testimony from my own past, I get afraid. I worry. I doubt. I cry out in exasperation. And I wonder what my problem is.

THE PROBLEM IS ME.

Without grace, I am nothing. I am nothing more than a leaf blowing in the wind. I am here for a season, and then I am swept away. Without grace, I am a sinner who deserves nothing but death. I am a child who needs discipline and reproof yet laughs in the face of the teacher. Without grace, wisdom bestowed upon me is wasted and thrown away. Without grace, I have no value.

But I know that I have been bought with the price of Jesus' blood. I know that His blood has bought for me victory, joy, breakthrough, blessing, and a whole host of other gifts that the Father has given me. Through grace.

And yet, I see myself as having no value. Although I strive to be like Jesus, I badger and belittle myself when I fail. When I feel as though I have no value, I blame my children, my husband, my family, my friends for not seeing and praising me for my value. I tell God that no one appreciates me. I ask for another blessing, but only with my tongue in cheek because I have just told Him that I have no value.

The problem is me.

I have two wonderful boys who God has entrusted me to raise. They share a bedroom and a great distaste for taking responsibility for their own actions. I am actually starting to believe that there is a third boy sharing their bedroom. His name is "Notmee". I say this because I can be assured that this third child is destroying the room that the other two have cleaned. I know this because when I ask them who made the mess on the floor, who took the books off the shelf, who threw their dirty clothes on the floor, they always tell me, "Notmee."

But perhaps the bigger point here is learning to take responsibility for the actions that they blame on each other. The younger of the two always tells me it's not his fault when he spends all of dinner time in laughter because his brother made him laugh. The older one tells me it's not his fault when he hits his brother because his brother made him mad.

To which I ask, "Did he tickle you?" or "Did he get inside your head and tell you that you had to be mad?" They don't like those questions. They dislike the whole idea that while we cannot change the past actions of those around us, we are always able to choose how we will respond to them. Of course, if you are 7 or 10-year olds, you just respond without thought. But not so as an adult and parent, right?

But that's it exactly. When I get a utility bill that has almost doubled, I immediately panic and get afraid and want to blame the utility company for raising their rates. I pray to God and ask Him why He's letting them do this to me. Why am I being punished for their desires? And what I fail to see is that the problem here is not the utility company, it is not my family's fault (well, not entirely...at least), and it is not God's problem. God did not create this problem. And in a heartbeat, I have taken the problem away from Him by becoming irrational and forgetting His promises:

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
(Matthew 28:20),

or:

So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough
food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and
clothing?... your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable
to him than they are. (Matthew 6:25, 26b)

The problem is not God. God's faithfulness has not changed. His love for me has not changed either. The problem is my own doubt and fear.

Perhaps you are experiencing this yourself. Perhaps you have come to the conclusion that the greatest detriment to your own faith deepening isn't the "horrible" choice of songs during praise at church, nor is it the offensive perfume/cologne someone beside you decided to wear. It is not the teaching geared to the soul who is sitting there for the first time hearing the good news, nor is it a baby crying or giggling. The biggest stumbling block in the growth of our faith is ourselves. We tie ourselves to the past, to our failures, to our fears and doubts and then we become the problem.

God has already promised over and over to provide for us more than we can begin to hope or ask for. We need to get out of the way.

Father, I realize that the problems I am experiencing have nothing to do with my intrinsic value in your eyes. They have nothing to do with your faithfulness and promises. The problem is that I want me first--not you. Father, search me and know me. Let me see these things just as you see them, and then remove them from my character. And above all, remove all of my selfish nature. Teach me to ask to be a blessing, and not to just receive one. Teach me to lift others up instead of just trying to stand on their shoulders. And above all, give me more of you and less of me so that I can be light and salt in this world, my temporary home. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Checking in

2008-09-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

I have been on a hiatus called life. The summer was very busy with up to seven kids in the house on a given day...softball two or three days a week for my oldest daughter...trips to and from Portland to pick up my husband's children and drop them off...camping in Montana...oh, I couldn't begin to list all the excitement!

The kids are back to school now, and that means days are much quieter. I spend my days volunteering at the middle school (I am doing this for the first time and jumped right in as a Volunteer Coordinator!), cleaning the house, and chasing my beautiful five-month-old baby girl who sits and crawls and rolls! *sigh*

I am alive and well. The family is also alive and well, although we ended the summer with the first fractured bone and stitches caused in an accident--not bad considering I have four kids from 5 mo. to 12 years old! (My youngest son, seven years old, fell off the jungle gym at a city park and landed nose first into a metal beam--fracturing his nose and requiring a few stitches for a small laceration across the bridge of the nose.)

Here's a pic of the baby. Enjoy! And thanks for checking up on me...I hope to be more acclimated to this new lifestyle and more active here again soon.

God bless!

(this picture taken just moments before brother, in orange, broke his nose....)

Penelope--now available on DVD

2008-07-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

It's a rare thing to see or hear me tout a movie, music artist, book, or author. Part of this is because I believe there is so much difference in personal taste. Part of it is that I dislike free advertising for products. However, I'm going to break from my own personal ban on such flag waving to tell you about a most charming movie the children and I have discovered.

"Penelope" is directed by Mark Palansky. I could find little about Mr. Palansky, but the movie, I believe was strongly encouraged by Ms. Reese Witherspoon, of "Legally Blonde" fame. I do think Reese is adorable and have enjoyed many of her movies. But none of them left me touched the way this film did.

The main character is Penelope, a young aristocratic "blue blood" heiress who through some cruel twist of fate and the poor choice of a great-great grandfather is born with a pig's snout and ears. Imagine the horror of the upper crust family upon the birth of the dear child. The curse can be broken but only when the girl finds true love with one of her own kind.

Enter the mayhem that ensues as a good meaning mother attempts to match her daughter with a suitor of like kind. Boys enter unaware and as men run away...or perhaps, it is the other way around. But all believe that the only way for Penelope to become "normal" is through true love and marriage.

I don't want to give too much away, in case you haven't seen it. I highly recommend this movie to anyone with daughters. There is a strong message about learning to love yourself the way you are. And that same message really touched my son (born with cleft lip/palate) who also identified with Penelope's struggle with the mirror and herself within.

Christina Ricci and James McAvoy (think Mr. Tumnus in the first of the Narnia movies from Disney) star with Catherine O'Hara (Home Alone) and of course, the darling Ms. Reese Witherspoon. The movie was released on DVD this past Tuesday, and it is a MUST SEE for anyone with children (I would suggest age 5 or 6 and up).

Forever

2008-07-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations." --Psalm 100:5 NIV

What a great verse to consider as we prepare for another beautiful summer weekend! The Lord is good! Sunny, lazy days in the backyard with the kids, on the beach by the lake or ocean, camping in the wild, or wherever your weekend will take you, the Lord has been good to you. He has given you good health to enjoy the day. He has surrounded you with friends and family. He is truly good!

And his love endures forever! Just how long is forever? Forever goes back before you were born. It reaches beyond the time when your grandparents, great-grandparents, their grandparents were born. It goes back beyond the first day on earth. And it reaches out before us beyond any generation we can begin to fathom. Forever means without beginning or an end. His love, unlike our own, has no end. It is not subject to whim or mood. It will not stop because we have done something to upset Him. Nothing we can do will cause Him to stop loving us. NOTHING! How wonderful is that???

And his faithfulness? It continues throughout all generations. Well, that's pretty much as good as forever, right? His faithfulness--his ability to be what He says He is, to do what He says He's going to do--is going to continue on beyond us, beyond our children, their children, and their children's children. His promises are forever. His faithfulness is without end.

What a great promise to grab onto and dwell on during a beautiful Friday like today!

Father, I am amazed that you have chosen to love me at all, but to love me forever--without beginning or end--that's too much for me to grasp. I love you because You first loved me, and that is all my human heart is capable of. I praise You for the works of your hands, the kindness of your heart, and the faithfulness of your Spirit. Continue to work in me as I raise my children, as I help my husband, and as I encounter those around me who do not know you. Make me a blessing and a witness to your love without end and your faithfulness throughout the generations today and each day! In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Justice

2008-07-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

"He who gives me justice is near. Who will dare to oppose me now? Where are my enemies? Let them appear!" --Isaiah 50:8 NLT

Justice is a tricky thing, I've learned. There are many types of justice, but only one has eternal consequence--God's justice. And I have also learned that it is nearly impossible for me to grasp even a jot of what that is. Here is what we call justice:

jus*tice: n. 1. the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.

2. rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice.

3. the moral principle determining just conduct.

4. conformity to this principle, as manifested in conduct; just conduct, dealing, or treatment.

5. the administering of deserved punishment or reward.

6.the maintenance or administration of what is just by law, as by judicial or other proceedings: a court of justice.

7. judgment of persons or causes by judicial process: to administer justice in a community.

8. a judicial officer; a judge or magistrate.

The definition that applies to this verse, this promise from God is most likely the administering of deserved punishment or reward. And we are pretty certain as Christians that we know exactly what the punishments and rewards should be.

All too often, the church today is ready to throw accusations at leaders, at its members, its community. We are quick to point out the reasons others have failed and how they should be punished. We are also quick to point out how we have not tripped over the same issue and to expect some reward for being "good".

I have learned that what I believe is deserving of punishment is not always what God sees and punishes. At least not in my timing. I am reminded of a woman who continues to scheme ways of keeping her ex-husband from seeing their children. To me, it would seem appropriate for God to cast some punishment upon her NOW so that the children are able to build a relationship with their father. I mean, that would seem to line up with God's will, that a child be able to grow a relationship with their father, right?

But this is one of those places where my sense of justice doesn't match up entirely with God's. Perhaps it isn't that my sense is off, perhaps it's just the timing. ("Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance [is] mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." --Rom. 12:19 KJV)

Or what about the teacher who ridicules a kindergartener with special needs in front of his peers? And yet the school district does not remove the teacher from the classroom until further investigations can be completed. How is that fair? Why is that not punished?

Two things are laid upon my heart as I read this verse from Isaiah:

1. God protects me from unfair accusations and punishments.

2. God has given me grace at the cross of Jesus so that I don't have to face the just punishments that I deserve.

Both of those things are pretty powerful to me. I am protected from my enemies would unfairly accuse or try to punish me. I may never hear those accusations. They have been thwarted and muted by my Father. And because of that, I never have to face unfair punishment. I have nothing to fear! Also, I am protected from the punishments that I should receive (death) for my sins because of God's great love for me.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever beleiveth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." --John 3:16 KJV

Father, what a wonderful promise and gift you have given me. Even while I look at others and "judge" what they have done and try to assign blame and punishment, you protect me from unfair accusations and punishments. If that weren't amazing enough on its own, you also have paid the price, served the punishment of punishments on the cross so that I would not have to. I am not worthy of such love. And of course, that is what makes it grace. Thank you, Father, for loving and wanting me so much. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Becoming an emotional woman

2008-07-16T22:07:00.001-07:00

I think we have all heard people stereotype women as being hyper-emotional. They blame female hormones for it. (I have to disagree with that!) And as women, I think we sometimes feel like we have to apologize for it. But I believe that God created us, as females, to be nurturing, caring, and thus emotional. If we weren't emotional would we still be caring? Isn't it a soft heart that allows one to cry when someone dies unfairly in a movie or when a small child calls her grandpa to wish him goodnight on a TV commercial for long distance service?

Of course, it is. And God designed us to be in relationships with others. Men, who have less tendency to be hyper-emotional, are created to balance us out as we are created to balance them. God created woman for this purpose:

"...but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner...this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken." --Genesis 2:20b, 23b NRSV

I used to be a stay at home mom in what seems like another lifetime. When my first marriage failed, I was forced back into the workplace to help support myself and my children. I was no longer mom and wife, I was now employee and mom.

Did you notice the order of my words? Before the separation and divorce, I was mom then wife (okay, I know someone may want to debate the healthiness of this...but that's for another time...). Afterwards, I became an employee then a mom. It was a difficult balance. I was also filling most of the role of father. I lived in constant exhaustion. I hated myself on many occasions for my role in the failure of my marriage that forced my children to be raised by only one parent. I hated telling my children that they couldn't play sports because I couldn't commit the time to all the practices and games. I hated having to leave my sick children with friends because I didn't have any vacation or sick time left and I couldn't afford not to get all my hours to make the bills. And somewhere in that whole process, I learned to be like a man. I forced myself to be less emotional. I wasn't cold or heartless, but crying at the drop of a hat wasn't going to serve me well.

In fact, I had vowed that my children would see me cry, but not so much that it would upset them and cause them to cry. I didn't want to transfer my pain onto them. I didn't want them to bear my grief or feel responsible for it. I knew that the divorce would weigh heavily enough on their little hearts and lives.

I think the hardest thing was having my son tell the daycare director that Mommy was very sad and he wished I could be happy. What a tearjerker!

When I was blessed with my current husband (my forever husband), I had learned so deeply how to stave off emotion, I still held back tears. He is a very kind and deeply feeling man and will cry at times before I do. But I can assure you that when he cries, it reassures me and I am able to cry myself. At our baby girl's birth, Mr. D cried. He was so blown away by seeing and finally holding our little angel, he cried. And I cried too. I cried because I knew how much he loved her and me. I hadn't been in that place for a very long time.

We both cried while watching the "John Adams" series based on the book by David McCullough. And Mr.D was shocked to see me in tears. (He read the 700+ page book, not me...although I'm an avid reader...I'll have to wait until my SIL B finishes until I can read it..."hurry up, girl!" LOL) I was so blown away by the love that John and Abigail had for each other.

Many nights, I sit beside my baby girl in bed and watch her sleep. I am blown away by how blessed I am to have this little angel in my care. I cry. I pray that I am worthy enough to train her well.

Basically, I have finally come to a point where I can be a woman again. I have a wonderful man who loves and takes care of me and our children (his, mine and ours). God has blessed me so many more times than I could have asked for. I am still working on accepting and embracing this new side to me, but Mr.D assures me that it's a good thing.

Father, thank you for making me so wonderfully female. You have created me just the way I should be even though circumstance has sometimes forced me to avoid my natural temperament. I figure at some point, I'm going to cry a river of tears--because you love me, because you have blessed me, and because I know how much I need you. Keep your hand upon me as I continue to embrace and rediscover my natural temperament. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

What no one tells you about divorce and remarriage

2008-06-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

When my first marriage failed, I received lots of advice. Most of it was about finances and parenting alone. Some of it was about surviving the pain of the divorce itself. But what no one told me, what no one suggested or warned me about was the hazards that would befall me if I ever got married again.

Perhaps that is because within the Church, there are those who believe that there is no right for a divorced Christian to remarry. Perhaps it is because the rate of divorce for second marriages is higher. Perhaps people secretly believed, as I did, that I could not find a man worth marrying. At any rate, I am stumbling upon lessons that I wish could have been imparted before I remarried. (I hate making mistakes...sigh)

I entered into my first marriage at the very tender age of 18. I took the commitment very seriously. I got married to him for life. To me, divorce was not an option. I believed that there was nothing that our love and God wouldn't get us through. I was right about the second part, just not the first. And we were not set evenly on the faith field. At times, neither of us was seeking God's will for our marriage.

After two years of separation, we divorced. It was traumatic, but I knew that God wanted me to be at peace. I knew that God wanted me to find healing. And in time I did.

In time, I found the kind of love and marriage that God had wanted for me from the beginning. I could not fairly compare the two marriages, so I won't. But what I am learning is that what happened in the first marriage continues to haunt me in the second. There is still a fear of abandonment, although highly irrational. It's there whether it's logical or not. When you go into a marriage with belief that it is forever, and then the marriage falls apart and ends, it is nearly impossible to face a second with the same belief that it will be forever. The ghosts in the closet will attempt to follow you and haunt you. They whisper, "Yeah, but remember how it happened last time...wasn't it alot like what you're feeling right now...you can't honestly think he'll love you and stand beside you no matter what, especially after what you've already experienced." And you have to take a stand to ignore them.

So today, I am learning that healing is an ongoing process. I am learning that the scars from the first marriage can scab over and affect the new marriage. And I am flawed and so, so human. All I can do is go to Jesus, fall at his feet and ask Him to help me.

Father, I love my husband with all that I am. He loves me with the devotion that you have directed husbands to have for their wives. He loves me as Christ loves the church. And yet I have been wounded by past relationships. And because of this, I get afraid. I fear what is not present and real at this time because of what has happened in the past. In fact, I know that if I am honest, there is not an inkling of what has gone before present in my marriage. And I know that we both go to you when things get tough--on our own and together. We know and trust that you are the giver of all good things and the healer of all hurts. Heal me of the wounds that make my heart so cautious to let my husband really love me. Remove all doubt of his genuine-ness of heart so that I can be my best for him. Give us both the ability to be patient as we work through the myriad of challenges that a second marriage poses so that we can know and be absolutely sure that when our lives on earth on through, we will still be standing side by side, following you. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Not Afraid

2008-06-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

--Christopher Robin to Pooh(A.A. Milne)

My son, Mr. M was born in 1997 with a complete bilateral cleft lip and palate. We were fortunate in many ways. We knew before he was born from an ultrasound that he was going to be cleft-affected. He was also born with a very symmetrical cleft which made it much easier for the surgeons to repair his lip and make him look "normal".

Before he was born, we met the cleft team that would be responsible for his medical care. We met other cleft parents. We were warned about the possibility of overt oral defensiveness. We met parents whose children had been to the orthodontist 20 times and still had not allowed them to place a single bracket or wire in their mouth. We were told about all the different surgeries that his future potentially held. We were informed of the possibility of cluster defects that might not be obvious until birth and of learning disabilities which might not be detectable until age 3 or 4, or even until after he began school.

But God knew me. He knew my son. And He knew how much we could handle, and what we couldn't.

Mr. M is the bravest, most courageous, fearless boy of 10 you'll ever meet. Today at 7am, he walked into the oral surgeon's office with a large toothy grin on his face for his 12th (no...that is NOT a typo) surgical procedure. The plan was to pull six ankylosed baby teeth from the bottom jaw, continue with a third vestibuloplasty, and open the hard palate to expose and pull down his adult bicuspids. OUCH.

They were unable to deal with the bicuspids. We will go back in two months to deal with those then.

But Mr. M came home without a single tear. He has taken the Tylenol-3 prescribed, but has not whined once. His upper lip is swollen to three times its normal size. He has a large mouthguard covering his upper teeth/jaw. He can barely talk. He can only take thin purees. And yet, he continues to walk into these appointments and surgeries with a smile on his face.

And I stand amazed. I cannot claim any responsibility for his bravery and courage. I cower at the idea of having wisdom teeth pulled or my tonsils removed. I made my OB doc promise that they would only do a caesarean section on me if it was a medical emergency.

And it makes me wonder, does he entertain angels unaware? Or, is he aware?

Maybe he knows this:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

--Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

Father, I cannot begin to thank and praise you for your hand upon my child. He continues to model for me what bravery is. He teaches me things that I would think I should model for him but do not posess. How great it is to know that he doesn't need to be afraid, and neither do I. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Diet Update: Day 8

2008-05-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Starting weight: 226.6 on 5/5/08
Current weight: 220.7
Loss so far: 5.9 lbs

I'd love to tell you that the change in how we're eating is going along without a hitch. But I can't. I am no longer having physical cravings for carbs, however the habit to eat them (it's not breakfast without toast, a bagel, oatmeal, or something like that) still hasn't been broken. It's amazing to me how much of our diet was filled with carbs. We have six days left to go on the first phase of the diet before we can begin to reintroduce "good carbs" and "whole fruits" to our diets.

Hubby has lost almost 10 lbs so far. Sigh....must be nice...his brand new jeans are starting to sag off his hips!

Today's going to be warm and sunny, but not hot. So I think baby and I will have a walking date. Watch out park! Here we come!

Faith-sharing

2008-05-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

"I'm eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours. In this way, each of us will be a blessing to each other."

--Romans 1:12 NLT

Once upon a time, what seems long, long, long ago, I was married with three beautiful children and stayed home fulltime to raise them. Initially, the decision to stay home came out of necessity because daycare for two infants was too expensive to justify me working outside of the home. But then, as I sought my degree and grew into the mothering role, it became the place I wanted to be until my children all started school.

Then life happened. My world fell apart as my marriage crumbled and my definition of family was augmented. I no longer had the option of staying home with my children.

My re-entry to the workforce as a single mom happened six years ago.

But today, my life is in a much different place! Because of God's blessing and grace, I have found a wonderful Godly man who loves God first, then me, then "our" children (his two, my three, plus our one). And in celebration of that kind of life and love, we have had our first child together. I have been on maternity leave for almost 10 weeks now.

When I decided to take 12 weeks of maternity leave, I had reservations. I knew what having a new baby meant. I knew that there would be nights with no sleep, days with no awake hours, and lots of little moments that I would not want to miss. But I decided to take the FMLA leave because I didn't know if I would want to return to work for sure or not.

But now, as my leave is drawing to an end, I have faced a struggle many mothers have faced before me. I look at my baby girl, my three older children, and the lifestyle we are leading right now--walking to the elementary school each afternoon to meet the older kids, napping with the baby in my arms when I need to--and I struggle to let go of it and return to work.

Perhaps where the story is a little different than some is that I don't "have" to go back to work for our family to survive financially. Since we wed, my husband and I who both fully embrace the idea of Biblical finances have been steadily paying down and paying off our debts (most incurred when we were younger, in our previous marriages). We have tithed faithfully and avoided new debt.

But yesterday, I took the baby out to my office to show her off. (I'm a very proud mama!!) And while I was there, I knew that I had to make a decision. The end of my protected leave is drawing near, and that meant that I had to come to a decision about returning to work.

My husband and I have talked about this exact scenario over and over. Yesterday, I asked him exactly what God was laying on his heart about it. I knew what I felt God was telling me, but I also wanted to test it. I know that when God speaks, He doesn't contradict Himself. If my husband was hearing the same thing that I was, that would confirm that the voices we were hearing were truly God's voice.

"Don't close the door if they make you an offer that is better (i.e. telecommuting, part-time, pay increase). However, I feel that you should stay home. It's where your heart is, it's what I want for you, and I feel like it is where God is leading us."

And my only concern was that I had this small, niggling fear that with the economy what it is right now, closing the door completely could be disastrous for our family financially. I immediately added to that concern that it could be Satan raising this concern. I know how motivated he is to raise questions about God's faithfulness to take care of us. Satan knows that he can only pull us down when he causes us to question our faith and God's ability and desire to do what He has promised us He's going to do.

"Listen to how they respond. If they don't seem concerned that you want to walk away, if they don't try to dissuade you at all, we'll know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you should not go back. If they make you an offer, listen and ask for time to think it over. Then we'll pray about the offer to see how God speaks to us."

I know that God is faithful to take care of us. I have seen God's hand be shown mighty and powerful. I have experienced victory at His hands too many times to really doubt. And yet, I do. At moments that seem too big for me, I struggle over and over with letting go and letting God. My faith needs to grow. I need to get back to a place where I have resided before in the arms of God.

"Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come fearlessly into God's presence, assured of his glad welcome."

--Ephesians 3:12 NLT

I won't go into all of the details of the conversation, but the results were amazing! I decided to leave it to God, although I was afraid of the possible outcomes. However, my employer was sympathetic to my desire to stay home beside my children. They had anticipated (with the help of one of God's angels) that I would struggle with this decision and had already begun discussion about a way that I could continue working for them, but in a different capacity. Several different scenarios were given if I should decide to continue working, including the option that I had in my heart as being the only way I would decide to work without much struggle (and that was a scenario that I was sure existed only in my head and heart and not in a tangible "real" possibility). I asked that they firm up how they felt they could use me best and to get back with me.

I was forced to make no rash decisions. No doors were closed. And a possibility (which could lead to an additional source of income later) was presented.

Although this story is not over, it is a testament to what God will do when we have faith in Him and let Him work in our lives. Only God knows for sure what offer I will ultimately receive. And only He knows what I will decide to do, although I do know that it is my heart's desire to do only what He leads me to do.

But more than what this has proven to me about God and faith, is what it can show you.

"These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to take care of their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

--Titus 2:4-5 NLT

Father, each day that I have been given by you is a day that I can learn to be more like you, to walk more closely in faith to you, and to be blessed by you so that I can give those blessings forward to others through you. Continue to give me wisdom in this situation as well in each decision I have to make. And continue to make me submissive to your will in my life, to my husband, and to the lessons of faith that you will teach me in my life and through the witness of my fellow sisters in Christ. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Other verses to consider:

Matthew 18:6
Matthew 21:21
Acts 14:22
Romans 1:8

Please remember to share your stories of faith and faith-development with all your sisters in Christ. It should never be tiresome to them to hear them, or for you to share them!

Update: Diet, Day One

2008-05-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

So we survived the day without carbs so far. I am craving sweets, I'll be honest. I want to grab a brownie fudge sundae and inhale it, although I know that this sacrifice is really worth it. My body is just needing to break the old, bad habit. Withdrawal is no fun.

Although we walked for an hour yesterday, we did not do as well today. The baby got us up at 5am and the older kids were up and moving around by 7am. At 9am, when the older kids were off to school, I went back to bed (I had sent my husband in at 7am since he has to work all night tonight). We got about an hour and a half catch-up sleep but neither of us seemed super-motivated to go walking or to the gym. Bad, I know...but I did have a baby less than a month ago...

Overall, I feel very good about my day. There are still foods in the house that we cannot partake of, but I did not eat any of those (and neither did my hubby). I didn't put anything in my coffee that wasn't on the "okay" list...and I have to be honest with you, it wasn't the same. And I'm a huge coffee drinker...so having it taste different wasn't a plus.

Here is where I failed miserably: I did not get my water in. I drank two glasses early this afternoon, but then because I was craving something sugary, I made some Crystal Light. I've only had two cups of that, but I had lots of coffee this morning. So my goal tomorrow is to drink more water.

That's it. I'm going to have a "No sugar added Fudgesicle" as my evening snack/dessert, and drink some more water. I can do this, and I know that in a few days, the cravings will subside...I know it.

First smile

2008-05-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, there is nothing to say this time.

The pictures say everything that needs to be said.

Diet, Day One

2008-05-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

So...we are doing it. We got up and fought off the urge to shove pancakes, english muffins, bacon, or sugary cereal in our mouths. We used fat-free half and half with sugar-free vanilla syrup in our coffee instead of regular French vanilla creamer and artificial sweetener (for me) instead of white sugar.

We ate scrambled eggs with onions, bell peppers, and fresh salsa in it and melted reduced-fat cheese. It was yummy, I must say, although I think next time I will add some black beans.

The day is still young...but I think we/I can do this. More later!

Weight Loss, Day -2

2008-05-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

So...we had planned with the best of intentions to start our lifestyle change/diet today. We got up, we weighed, we recorded our horrifyingly high weights, and went to lunch at an Italian restaurant (on Cinco de Mayo...there's a reason; we aren't boycotting the Mexican restaurants...LOL...really!). Tomorrow night we are having dinner with BIL and his family. These first two days aren't really friendly to starting such a strict diet and exercise program. So today is day -2 (negative two).

After battling with a mindset today that I can't do two weeks without carbohydrates (including fruit and fruit juices), I have sat down and looked at what is allowed for the first two weeks. It's only two weeks, after all (as my wonderful husband keeps reminding me). It's only two weeks...it's only two weeks...it's only two weeks.

Okay, I think I've got a handle on the worst part being only for two weeks now.

So, I sat down and addressed a doable diet plan to survive the first two weeks. We know that there are lots of "diet evils" still in the house. Tomorrow, we will be going through the fridge, the cupboard, and anywhere else food may be hiding in the house. All those bad foods will be making their way out of the house (most of them aren't necessary really), and then we will head off to the grocery store to restock with the proper foods.

We are using the South Beach diet, and have purchased the NEW! South Beach Diet Supercharged book at Costco for only $14.99. When I lost weight a little over two years ago, I dropped almost $800 for a diet program. (I was successful and kept the weight off until I got pregnant!) The purchase of that book and the knowledge I have gained from the past--nutrition, anatomy and physiology classes and the previous weight loss program--have armed us with everything we need to be successful.

So, here it is...
Weight: 226

Goals for the week:
1. drink 8 glasses of water each day
2. eat only the prescribed foods (no carbs :( )
3. walk at least 45 minutes/day
4. spend 30 minutes on the elliptical 3x/wk

Sigh...so there it is. As embarassing as it is for me to put it on paper (or on screen as it is in this case), I know that there is great accountability in putting it there where everyone can see it and I can't hide from it. I'll weigh in again next Monday!

Nothing and Everything to Lose

2008-05-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Some of you have known me for eons. Some have only gotten to know me via this blog over the last couple of months. But what you need to know is that back in 2006, I took my tax return money and entered a weight loss program. Over a period of eight months, I shed 60 pounds and lost tons of inches. I began to eat right, workout, and actually "do" stuff with my kids. (It's terribly tough to run and kick a soccer ball when you're massively overweight!)

I did well maintaining my weight loss until I got pregnant late last summer. Since then, I've put on every single pound I'd lost, plus a few more. I am down 15 pounds since giving birth from my heaviest pregnancy weight (and this is exciting because I've had at least two pregnancies where I never did do that...for MONTHS!). But I have at least 70 pounds to lose. I need to start eating the way I used to, workout more like I used to, and feel great all over again.

Will it make a difference??? Here is my after picture (at 155) taken in November 2006....
This was just about two months ago...at 9 months pregnant with my hubby. Note the nice double chin...proof that I can look far better than I do now!

So, on Monday, hubby and I are making a new start. We are changing the way we eat, making regular daily exercise a part of our lives, and heading for a lighter existence. The way I look at it...we have nothing and everything to lose!

Pray for us as we start this together. I know that I can do this and be successful, but I also know how many people start and quit or give up before they make their goal, or go back to the old bad habits after they've reached their goal. I don't want either one of us to do that.

Busy but good

2008-04-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Just a very brief update to let everyone know that we are all doing well. It continues to amaze me how one tiny baby can consume so much of one's time and energy!

Thanks for the prayers...I've also gone to all formula at feedings which means my energy level is coming back up...and my energy level coming back up seems to be helping alot with the emotional roller coaster as well.

I hope to be back blogging soon...but rest assured, I'm still reading all of YOUR blogs! (I just find it hard to type with one hand, but not so tough to navigate the favorite links!)

Favorite Things: Kitchen Edition

2008-04-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

Faithful Chick started a meme on our favorite things a couple of weeks back. Unfortunately, I've had my hands pretty full the last couple of weeks--waiting for a baby to arrive, and then caring for it and trying to rest up. I missed the first one (pout).

But, today's edition, I'm gonna make!

(Please keep in mind that I'm taking care of a 10-day old infant, three older children, and running...okay, who am I kidding? trying to run...the household now that my hubby has gone back to work. So, although many of you have taken pics especially for this meme...I'm going to use a file photo...thanks for your grace!)

So, here it is...the FAVORITE thing in my kitchen.....

Let me introduce my hubby, Mr. G. He cooks, he cleans, and he is by far the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. He cooked almost all our meals during my pregnancy and over the past two weeks. (He's pretty cute to look at, and he is a great cook, too!)

I am slowly moving back into my position as cook and bottle cleaner, but I couldn't have survived the last eight months or so without him. Basically, we'd have gone broke eating drive through or starved otherwise!

More than money

2008-04-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

With my first three babies, I failed pretty miserably at breastfeeding. With my first baby, she didn't latch on correctly, and I gave up nursing less than a week after she was born. I was planning to go back to work in less than six weeks and it just didn't seem like a big deal to me. (I was only 20 at the time, so I was perhaps not as mature about such things as I could have been.)

My second baby was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Nursing him directly was, in fact, impossible. He could latch correctly or otherwise. Armed with a LARGE hospital-grade double electric pump, I went home from the hospital with a brand new special needs baby, a 13 month old toddler. I spent the first four weeks of his life bottlefeeding M (a 45-minute process per feeding), pumping breastmilk for another 30 minutes, feeding my daughter and changing both babies' diapers, and starting this all over again. I don't think I ever got more than 20 minutes sleep at a time during the first month. (Oh, did I mention that we also had more than 10 doctors' appointments in that month also???) At a month, I gave up. In tears, I asked them to come pick up the pump. I was only pumping 6 ounces of breastmilk each day even after being put on Reglan. I was tired, frustrated, and sad.

Baby M ended up having food allergies. Less than two weeks after I stopped adding breastmilk to his feedings, he started puking profusely, including bloodclots. It took nearly three months before the pediatric gastroenterologists listened to me and tested him for corn allergies (rare, but more common if one parent had been affected as an infant; I had been). He was allergic to corn. I'll never know for sure whether or not the little bit of breastmilk he got the first month worked to counteract the allergy, but my hunch is that it did, since the issue didn't show until breastmilk had been completely removed.

Baby #3, J. I was determined to give this baby my best shot. He latched on immediately like an old pro. We did everything right. No pacifier or bottle. But four days later, he ended up in the ER dehydrated and jaundiced. My milk had not come in adequately, and while he was nursing every 2 hours, he just wasn't getting enough milk. At four days, he had dropped from 9lb, 10oz. to 8lb, 7oz--more than a 10% loss. They got him hydrated and the jaundice resolved, and I got more Reglan, a breastpump, and lots of lessons with a lactation consultant on how to produce more milk. I pumped and nursed faithfully for three months. Baby J picked up his weight quickly and by three months, weighed in at 16 lbs. I quit when he started biting me aggressively during the nursing sessions. But he was a very healthy baby. I don't think he had a single symptom of illness until he was 11 months old and picked up a nasty tummy virus.

So with baby EM on the way, I vowed I would do everything I could to give her breastmilk too. But I have made mistakes. First, we gave her a binky and a bottle. Second, I haven't been pumping faithfully. Turns out the three older kids still want TONS of attention, and I'm short on energy. Pumping at midnight, 2am, 4am, 6am have not been attractive options. Daddy has fed baby and let me sleep many nights. Also, I thought I could get away with a manual pump. Wrong. Very wrong. And good electric pumps are not cheap. Before, we qualified for programs for low income families that provided the pumps at no charge. Now, well, we're better off even though our family is much larger.

So, pray for me. I am planning to bite the bullet and give this a real try again. Unfortunately, she still is not latching on correctly. She has nipple confusion, from what I'm reading. My milk production is still only about 4-6 oz. per day, which is far short of what she needs to survive. I don't really want to go back on the Reglan (it is a natural gas producer *blush*). But more than money, more than fame, more than anything else I can think of...okay, maybe not more than a 6 BR, 4 bath house...I want to be able to give my baby girl breastmilk. I want to be able to do what so many other women do, and what so many other women don't even try to do. God created breastmilk as best for baby, and that's what I want to give her. More than anything.

Just a rainy day

2008-04-23T08:51:00.001-07:00

Well, I don't have much to say today. I'm sad, and being postpartum is definitely NOT helping me out much. My hubby is back to work tonight after paternity leave. That makes me sad. He works the graveyard shift and this little break has been really nice because it allowed us all to live on the same schedule instead of sharing a schedule for three days and running opposite to each other for four days each week. Also, it has been nice because he has been so active in caring for baby EM. He has allowed me to sleep in several days and has taken the baby and gotten the three older kids ready and off to school for me. Tonight, however, I will be alone caring for baby all night, and will still have to get up to get the older kids out the door in the morning. (I'm sure I can do it, it just feels daunting right now--I'm tired and hormonal, sigh.)

And this spring has been no winner in my book weather-wise. After a near record-setting winter for snowfall, our winter has overrun spring and locals are beginning to call this season "sprinter". In fact, the day we brought baby home from the hospital (4/13), the temps reached almost 80F. Before a week had passed, we were again experiencing sleet, hail and even snow.

But today, to match my mood, it is raining. Just raining. And my hubby is sleeping, and so is baby. Maybe I should too?

Oh the Places You'll Go! Baby EM's first week

2008-04-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

What a busy week we've had! Baby arrived after midnight on Saturday, April 12. We escaped from the hospital mid-afternoon on Sunday, the 13th to pick up all the other kids (thank you to Heather for taking the boys overnight Saturday and to Charlene for taking Ms. B, and to Brenda and Greg for taking all three overnight Friday night!). Our first and only visit at the house so far was from our next door neighbors who had their baby girl on Sunday!

Monday was a slow day for us. We made no plans except to get the older three kids to school and back, and a run to the grocery store for Daddy.

On Tuesday, we made our first trip to the pediatrician. Dr. K checked Ms. EM out and gave his professional opinion: Everything looks good. No shots or blood tests today. Baby's weight is back up to 7lb., 11 oz. after dropping to 7lb., 8oz. before leaving the hospital.

Mommy struggled with breastfeeding--baby EM doesn't want to latch correctly and the milk is slow to come in. Much to our dismay, formula will have to be a staple at least temporarily while Mommy pumps to increase supply, letting the "owies" heal, and retraining little Ms. EM on her latch.

Ms. B came home from school "sick" on Wednesday, complaining of a sore throat. She had strep throat only a month ago, so we were quite concerned that she had gotten it again. We quarantined her to her bedroom except for meals until we got the throat culture back late Thursday morning. Once cleared, she got to spend some quality time with EM.

Sisters

Thursday evening, Daddy got a bright idea. Baby loved his chocolate chip oatmeal cookies in utero, and since he had promised her juice and cookies if she would come out of her hiding spot after 41 weeks, Daddy decided to sneak baby her first taste of chocolate on the "outside". I am not proud of this, but it's cute anyway.

got chocolate?

On Friday, we got this crazy idea to head off to Portland to see our other brother and sister for the first time. Turns out baby doesn't mind a roadtrip, which is great because Mommy and Daddy both admit to enjoying roadtrips (although we fly free....???), and with siblings across the state (oh, and IKEA...gotta go to IKEA as many times as possible!), we'll likely be traveling tons.

While there, we went to OMSI for our first museum trip. We saw dinosaurs, a cool display with the human baby's development, the planetarium, and all kinds of other cool stuff. We also spent time with Uncle Chris and Faith which was really fun too!

Baby's first trip to a museum/Portland

That pretty much rounded out our week. Mommy is falling in love with baby, and so is Daddy. The sibs are working through jealousy and new schedules, and Mommy is falling even deeper in love with Daddy as she watches him with baby EM.

With big sis, Mz. S

Sorry we were gone so long...and I'm sure we'll be here less than normal for a while longer...but we wanted to drop in to brag, say hi, and share some pics!

Best from the Past--The Myth of Unanswered Prayer

2008-04-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all the kind words. Baby and Mommy are now home and trying to acclimate to new routines. I will try to get more pictures up soon and share some of the joy I'm feeling. I hope you enjoy this blog that I wrote almost a year ago. It's one of my favorites (I sometimes am shocked when I read it that I actually wrote it LOL).

I have heard many people (myself included) whine about how God does not hear or answer their prayers. They bring before God a list of wants (some needs) and then wait for Him to wave a magic wand...and poof...everything is just the way that they would have wished for. They believe in some misguided way that God is nothing more than a genie locked inside a bottle that they can rub on their knees and know that He will make their every want and need happen.

Like I said, I have even been at this point in my own life. I have come before God with a list of wants, handed them to Him "graciously", and then complained that God did not hear me, or, if He did hear them, He simply chose to ignore me. This is what I call "The Myth of Unanswered Prayer."

Yes, I said MYTH. As in the exact opposite of fact, or even truth. But I will not make such a bold statement without supporting my belief that unanswered prayer is a make-believe phenomenom we create.

"Indeed, he who watches over (you) Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." --Psalm 121:4

If God is not someone who sleeps or slumbers, then how can I believe that He does not hear me? Has he gone deaf? Dumb? Blind? Mute? No, God is never sleeping, unlike the gods of the Philistines:

"At noon Elijah began to taunt them. "Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." --I Kings 18:27

As the story continues, we see Elijah taunt the followers of Baal to arouse their god to action. In fact, in an attempt to get Baal to respond, these worshipers went so far as to cut themselves until they bled! And yet, Baal never responded. Elijah waited as the men "worshipped" for hours, all to no avail. Then, to show the power of the One true God, he called on the name of the Lord as he rebuilt the altar, doused it heavily with water (including the surrounding areas). In a short prayer, Elijah called to God to fall upon the altar in fire. Lo and behold, the altar and the surrounding areas were consumed with fire.

Now, the God of Elijah is the same God that I love, worship and serve. If God was able to hear and to drop fire upon the altar, why would He not be able to hear and answer my prayers?

"'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'" --Jeremiah 33:3

First, let's look at this in bits and pieces. This is God speaking to the people of Israel. He begins His promise with a command: call to me. Note that God did not make a stipulation on when, where, or how to call upon Him, just that we do it. We must call upon Him. Second, He promises us that when we do call upon Him, He will answer us. Yes, that's right...He will answer us. It doesn't say He might answer us if He has time, if the tide is right, if our prayer is poetically stated. It says simply that He will answer us. PERIOD. If this is the same God that consumed the altar doused with water for Elijah, we have no choice but to believe that He is listening and powerful; He is the One True God. What He says He will do, He does. We can ABSOLUTELY count on Him to keep all of His promises.

If we believe the above things, then it is simple. There can be no such thing as unheard or unanswered prayer. God has promised to hear us when we call. But it gets better!

In the last part of the verse, God promises something even better! I will tell you GREAT and UNSEARCHABLE things you do not know.

Great means big, of an extreme degree. Not just large, but powerful, huge, beyond our comprehension. Unsearchable means that these things are things that we cannot find on our own. So when we say that God did not hear or answer our prayer, we are undermining God's promise to us.

Perhaps the real problem is this: not that God is not listening to us and answering us, but that we are not listening to God's actual response.

How many women have prayed repeatedly for a man to be a part of their life and then become angry at God when one did not magically appear? Girl, I have done it myself! But perhaps, it is not that God did not hear the prayer, but that God heard it and in His infinite wisdom, instead of waving the "magic wand" and producing a man, God has asked me (or you) to wait until we are walking with Him, seeking His will first, and then allowing the man we are to be with for life to mature to a point to love us as God has called husbands to do. Perhaps the "No" we thought we heard was simply a "not yet". Perhaps the silence was divine provision to protect us from a potentially harmful relationship.How many of us have prayed that God will increase our financial blessings, only to struggle for months, perhaps years, to make ends meet? In frustration, we think that God must not hear us, or if He does, He does not truly care about our "needs". I have been there too! But perhaps it is not that God has ignored us or fallen asleep, but that He knows that there is a better way, and that the struggle to bring our finances in line with His will (and sometimes also to develop a reliance on Him, and to develop humility through broken pride) will require that we come to the edge of total disaster before we can be blessed. Remember, Jesus told the rich young man in Matthew that it would be easier for a camel to enter through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God! Perhaps, until we have learned humility and Godly stewardship of our resources, we are little more than "poor" rich young men. We seek God, kinda. We seek Him so long as His will allows us to have new furniture (nevermind that the current "paid for" furniture is still in fair condition), to buy a new toy (a boat on a 30 year loan seems great the first year on the water), or the week long vacation in the tropics (which was great until we peeled from the sunburn and read the interest statement on the credit card we used to pay for the trip). But perhaps God wants us to learn to be frugal and to become givers (not just takers) before He will expand our financial resources. I think of the early church in Acts. We are told that they sold everything they had and shared with each other according to need. Clearly, there were some in the early church who were more financially stable than others. But when they were willing to give it all up, even those who had no income were provided for. God rarely hands us a $10,000 check when we come up short. However, He will provide meals for us that we don't have to buy. He will provide blessings in the form of entertainment for the single mother who has nothing left after paying the bills for her family to enjoy. He hears us and answers us. Generally, the problem is that His answer is not "our" answer.

I could continue to go on and on with examples. But the point is simple. I once believed that God simply did not answer every prayer. However, with time, prayer, and patience, God has taught me that every prayer is answered. Some are answered immediately; others take years. Some are answered with an emphatic "yes", but many more are answered with "not yet", "not now", or simply "no." When I come to a prayer request that seems to be unanswered, I simply step back and look harder. I let go, listen more, and wait. God does NOT slumber or sleep. He does NOT ignore His children. He simply sees far more and can do far more than we will ever be able to fully grasp.

And you know what? I'm glad! For every "unanswered" prayer I've griped about, there has been a great provision and blessing in God's answer that wasn't what I was hoping for.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will." --Romans 12:2

Welcome to the world, little one

2008-04-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

Our baby girl joined us this morning at 12:47am. We had been anxiously awaiting her arrival for quite some time as she arrived 11 days AFTER her due date. She was 8lb, 3oz. which makes her healthy but not unbearable to deliver. Here's a pic...

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." --Matthew 19:14 NIV

In Case We Forget to Tell You

2008-04-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby EM,

Once you arrive, you are going to turn our world upside down. Your schedule will fully dictate our schedule, and your hunger will supersede our own. Mommy and Daddy will likely be grumpy and "slap happy" from time to time over the early weeks, and will forget simple things like putting the milk back in the fridge, closing the tube of toothpaste, and starting the washer once it's full.

It's not that we are really that lame-brained, but we are going to give you (and your brothers and sisters) everything we have. We're going to give up 99% of "me" for 110% of "baby".

We are so excited to get to see you face to face! Daddy can't wait to play with you, and I figure he's going to count your fingers and toes about 100 times before you're one week old. But that's okay. It's only because he loves you sooooo much. I know you hear him talking to you, urging you to make your way out of the womb and into our arms (much to mommy's chagrin...she's excited too...but she gets to do most of the work!).

Oh, and your siblings...they are very excited to see you too. I'm sure you're terrified of actually meeting Mr. J--he's the loud one who keeps pummeling you in your little bubble--but he's just excited to meet you! And Ms. B, well...she's excited to change your diapers and help Mommy out (at least she is right now LOL). And Mr. M is going to barrage you with origami and crochet chains. He will shower you with gifts. And Mr. B and Ms. S are excited too...we'll go to visit them soon so you can see them!

In case we forget to tell you, we are so blessed to have you join us!

The G Family

By the way, our precious new baby girl arrived very early this morning. She was a wonderful 8 lb., 3oz. and 21 inches long. Check back soon for pictures! (Mama)

Busy, busy, busy...but not that busy!

2008-04-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is to be the big day! We are scheduled for medical induction tomorrow, and we are soooooo anxious to see and meet our little girl for the very first time! So today, because I am one of those types who can't sit still and wait for much of anything (doesn't it say something about being idle in the Bible and it being a bad thing? giggles), we are out and about getting a few errands handled so that next week we only have to worry about the kids and us. I'm sure that alone will be keeping us busy!

I have prepared a few short thoughts that I will share as time allows me to drop them into internet space from the hard drive. And of course, we will share pics of the new baby. I may even drag out some older writings that are near and dear to my heart and that I feel led to share with you.

I want to thank each one of you who has become a sister and friend over the last few months as I started blogging on a more serious level. The transition to SAHM has been eased by sharing my days reading your blogs and comments, and writing. I anticipate that will continue to be the case in the coming days, weeks, months, perhaps even years. I am so blessed!

Okay...I'm off and about...but we'll be checking in!

God is so good

2008-04-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

It's tax time again. And for the first time in many years, I faced the possibility of not getting a refund. With two incomes, things are drastically different in the tax world. But we trudged forward and found that we were going to get a refund, and a decent one at that. We proceeded to file and sent off our taxes via E-File only to get a message back less than 24 hours later that our tax filing had been rejected due to dependent issues (we are both divorced and have to alternate claiming the kids with our ex-spouses). We paid a professional tax preparer to look into the situation for us, and basically we were told we were likely out of luck.

But we prayed about and did some research on our own. With a little bit of documentation, we decided to send off our tax forms with a letter and back-up paperwork via snail mail with the understanding that they would not process our taxes for 6-8 weeks and that it could be 6-8 months before we saw any money.

This morning, while doing some financial "work" to get ready for having the baby, we accessed our checking account online. Much to our surprise, our balance was dramatically higher than we expected. Our tax returns came through in less than 3 weeks! We couldn't have asked for a faster return or better timing!

Along the way, we both agreed not to feel like we were entitled to anything. Part of the reason I did this was to avoid "righteous" anger, and partially because I've always believed that tax return money isn't necessarily an entitlement but a blessing. We had submittted to God this issue and done what we believed was right, but we had no idea what the answer might be. Getting this answer with this timing is such a blessing and further proof why we should always turn these things over to God.

Now we're going to try to be patient for another 36 hours or so until we get to have this baby!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday--"First Time"

2008-04-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Amy over at "Signs, Miracles, and Wonders" for starting this wonderful music meme--one of my personal favorites! Although I am anticipating being VERY busy this Saturday with a brand new baby, I'm going to take advantage of the ability to write this now (Tuesday afternoon), and post it late Friday night or Saturday morning.

Perhaps in response to preparing our hearts and home for our new baby, I've been thinking about something that God has given me--something that I could never have truly expected to receive although I continued to ask God for it in faith. My doubt had more to do with it being a fairytale than about God being able to provide.

When I became a single mom back in 2002 after over 8 years of marriage, everything that I had held onto as being real and true was ripped from my hands, my life, and my heart. The sacredness of the wedding vows I had spoken at the very tender age of 18 seemed so very far away, and while I never questioned God or blamed Him for the position I found myself in, I did question His design for family and marriage. At the same time, however, I knew that the only way to survive my new lot in life was to stay connected to God and the church. But often I found that the church judged me and made me question myself more often than not.

And yet, in time, I found healing from my divorce and the strength to reject the ideas that left me judged and marked with a scarlet letter. I found the grace and forgiveness that Jesus bought for me with his life on a crude wooden cross. I realized that although I had made choices and embraced decisions that ultimately helped destroy the marriage and family I was mourning, God looked at me and saw a precious little child who was hurt and broken, and reached out His arms to hug me and to calm me.
Ask me and I will tell you some remarkable secrets about what is going to happen here. --Jeremiah 33:3 NLT

The same grace that Jesus extended to the woman caught in adultery, the same forgiveness he gave to the leper and to the criminal on the cross beside me were being extended to me. I just had to find healing and forgive myself. I needed to seek God first in my life and move on.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. --Matthew 6:33 NIV

As I let go of my desire for a man in my life and replaced it with the desire to live for and serve God regardless of what my life looked like, God led me to some truths I had missed previously. I read the book of Ruth in a new light. I saw the provision of a wife for Isaac (and the provision of a husband for Rebekah). I saw a different way of meeting and mating than what I had experienced and viewed growing up. I saw a different version of marriage and husbandry. And I did not know if I could pick that kind of person for myself, and oh how I wanted a husband like that for myself (and a father like that for my children!).

I wanted a love, a husband who would love me like Christ loved the church, and I knew the husband I had the first time around didn't know what that meant, let alone attempted to be that. I wanted what God wanted, and more.

I gave up my hunt for a husband, realizing that I was not equipped for the search.

And I decided to surround myself with Christian friends in my neighborhood--male and female--instead of seeking a boyfriend. I hit myspace looking for these kind of people in my neighborhood. (A large number of the people I saw there paid lip service to their faith, but I had learned how to tell from a few simple sentences which were not at the same place as I, and went into it with eyes wide open).

And little did I know, there was this awesome Christian man who had been on a journey of heartbreak, healing, and was also looking for someone to spend his life with. And you know what! ? ! He lived less than 2 miles away from me...and he wanted more kids (lots more! which is good since I came with three to start...)!

Over time, I realize that what I have with my husband, my second chance, is so totally different and exactly what God had intended for me from the beginning. And when I listen to "First Time" by Lifehouse, it speaks exactly what my heart feels. I am so grateful for the second chance. And to be honest, it actually is better than the first time. It's amazing what happens when we live within God's will!

Enjoy a little bit of Lifehouse for me!

41

2008-04-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

Today marks the beginning of the 41st week of my pregnancy. I'm not going to whine today. I'm not going to complain.

We are scheduled for medical intervention on Friday in the form of induction. HOWEVER, if God should choose to bless us with an earlier labor and delivery, we are going to embrace and run with it.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement, and even for ideas on how to get this baby girl moving. (She is going to be a stubborn little gal, I tell ya!)

Three more days......

Going too far

2008-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

This morning, while my three kids at home were packing their lunches, I was watching the Today Show on NBC. I have to be honest: very few mornings go by that we don't watch the Today Show. Sometimes the media's view of life and the world is too liberal for me. My political and religious views are rarely reflected by the show. However, they often have interviews with celebrities that I enjoy, performances by groups I listen to (think Amy Grant on Christmas eve), and I do find value in hearing what the other side thinks or embraces.

Enter a segment today on young girls and cosmetics. Wait...let me rephrase that. I want this to be clear. The segment was about a trend in our country of marketing and selling hardcore make-up products (including fake eyelashes? ! ?) and spa treatments to young girls and preschoolers as young as 4! Yes, I did correctly type four.

Let me interject here a reminder: I am the mom to three children, stepmom to two more, and am expecting yet another. Among these six beautiful children are two girls--ages 11-1/2 and 10--and I would NEVER allow either of these girls to wear heavy makeup. The older one is allowed to wear body glitter (much to my disappointment, but it was a compromise) and clear lip gloss. She is encouraged to wear deodorant (ah, the joy of young pre-pubescent hormones!) and owns a bottle of modest body spray. I encourage her to use hair care products and to wash her face twice daily.

But I draw the line at colored makeup products for my almost 12 year old!

Perhaps I am getting old-fashioned and am losing touch. I mean, I suppose I am getting old. I'm almost (gasp) 32 years old now! LOL Yes, I do mean that in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way! Perhaps we are sending a horrible message to our young girls. Perhaps both.

And I wonder.....
Are we surprised that the number of girls being treated for eating disorders continues to grow? Are we surprised that mothers are encouraging their young daughters to lie so that they can win tickets to see concerts that run over $200 per person? Are we surprised that there is a generation of teen girls who do not think twice about considering plastic surgery to "correct" the "imperfections" God created them with? Are we surprised that very few women in our society, even in our churches truly believe that they are beautiful?

It breaks my heart to see our girls sexualized and demoralized in the name of physical beauty. It is a sad day when five year old girls develop an eating disorder because they believe that they are fat (just as sad as the child who is obese because they are not encouraged to be physically active), when ten year old girls buy and wear thong underwear (I am still in shock that these are sold and marketed to girls that young!), and when we embrace and accept these practices as being "okay" or acceptable.

I am brought back to the root of what I feel is safe to believe:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. --Proverbs 31:30

Beauty does not last. Physical beauty is fleeting. It mocks us at best. But God loves us so much that He has designed us as women to have something that lasts a lifetime that is far more attractive to the people who really matter--fear of the Lord.

It is my deepest prayer and hope that as I raise daughters that I am able to teach them to take pride in their appearance. I believe that God created us with a physical body that is unique to us so that we could take pride in it and be good stewards of it. But it is also my hope that they will know that what they look like will NEVER supercede the importance of who they are (PRINCESSES--daughters of the King of Kings!), and what their value is (bought with the blood of Christ). And I pray that I remember and embrace these values in the face of a society that is going to laugh at me and mock me and my girls.

Father, let me balance the importance of taking pride in and care of the body you have given us with the importance of raising up girls who know that true beauty is not physical, but spiritual and emotional. Let me model a healthy lifestyle and self-esteem for my girls and the girls around us, including modesty in dress and good health habits, so that I can remain relevant to them for you. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Not yet

2008-04-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to go into details today. Those of you who have been following my life or my blog will understand. Today is Friday, April 4th and the last day of spring break for my kids. It's still "warm" out, although not as sunny as yesterday. I am trying to decide where we are going to go spend the day today and walk. I am considering not checking my email, answering the phones, or checking the snail mail. And my general mood can be summed up in two words:

NOT YET.

Tomorrow...I'm gonna...

2008-04-02T20:26:00.001-07:00

As part of my attempt to distract myself from self-pity and just sitting here idly waiting for this baby to decide to arrive, I want to stay busy. Today, I got up raring to go and we had the most beautiful weather we've had so far in 2008. I showered, dressed, and got everyone rounded up. We went to the park and hiked for over an hour--uphill and down.

Tomorrow, my hubby will be trying to sleep during the day and since this week is spring break, there are three kids home all day. Not exactly compatible with a quiet sleeping environment. So, I have to find something constructive and cheap to do with the kids during the day.

So, I am trying to figure out what we're going to do. We are fortunate to live in an area with lots of nice playgrounds and parks, so I am leaning towards that. We can pack sammies, juice boxes, crackers, and head off for a day in the sun. All I have to do is decide which park we want to visit. Hmmmm.

I'll keep you posted. The camera's already in the car ready to go to the hospital, so perhaps we'll snap some photos of our trip...

Blessing out of frustration

2008-04-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

At some point in our spiritual journey, we realize that nothing happens in our life in a random, irrelevant order. Everything that happens is an opportunity for spiritual growth--if we stop to evaluate and pray about it. Sometimes these events are large and hugely life altering. Other times, they are as seemingly inconsequential.

I have been blessed with three beautiful children--ages 11, 10, and 7. Each one of my pregnancies started out simply--no stretch marks, no morning sickness, and only mild emotionality. However, by the end of each pregnancy, my blood pressure would become elevated, protein would start to spill from my kidneys into my urine, and I would be put on bedrest for treatment of pre-eclampsia.

Even though I was treated in all three pregnancies for pre-eclampsia, I was still blessed. I never had to experience mag sulfate, seizures, or any of the worst symptoms. But all the same, I was watched like a hawk for problems with my baby or my own health.

Enter pregnancy #4.

With the history I have of pre-eclampsia, the doctors started my care watching me closely for any development of PIH (pregnancy-induced hypertension) which could lead to pre-eclampsia. Throughout my pregnancy, I've had extra bloodwork and urine testing. They monitored my blood pressure closely. And here I am, 40 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy with normal blood pressure, no protein or sugar in my urine, or any other symptoms of PIH or pre-eclampsia. It is exactly the opposite of what the doctors would have predicted for my pregnancy.

But, my good health and the blessing of an uneventful pregnancy has presented me with frustration. In each of my three preceding pregnancies, I was put on bedrest and ultimately induced just prior to my due dates to avoid major issues. I never went to full term (although none of my babies were "preterm" either). Today, one day past my due date, I am frustrated that I am still pregnant.

In my frustration of still being pregnant, I have missed the lesson here.

I have missed the miracle of a pregnancy without complication.

I have missed the wonder that my body has responded more positively to this baby than it has in the past.

I have missed that God has healed the issue that caused me repeated battles with pre-eclampsia.

I have missed the blessing, the miracle, the wonder of it all.

And perhaps that is why I am still pregnant. Perhaps God has been waiting for me to "wake up" and see the blessing, to grow spiritually beyond what I expected to happen and to embrace the miracle.

So, while I can't keep my maternity jeans up over my belly because it continues to expand, and while I can't remember the last time I saw my feet, and I can't sleep without some extremity falling asleep, I am going to wait patiently and embrace the blessing that baby and I are both health and safe to proceed for at least nine more days. And I'm going to trust God that whatever He has planned for us is best.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

--Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Due dates--not everything works like the library

2008-04-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

So, here it is. My due date. And? NOTHING.

We saw the doctor this afternoon. I am happily dilated to 3 cm. (I was 2.5-3cm last Wednesday, so no real progress has been made this week.) But I am not having contractions other than those silly mild cramping Braxton Hicks contractions that come and go when they want and do next to nothing.

But, they have scheduled me for a "just in case" induction next Friday, April 11th.

This is where you guys come in. I have never gone to term before (three pregnancies all with pre-eclampsia and induction). Pray that we do not have to wait that long to meet our little girl. I'm already VERY big (last week's appointment included the pronouncement that this was going to be another big baby--baby #3 weighed in at 9 lb., 10 oz.) and not really looking forward to dragging this out another 10 days. We have two churches praying here locally for our little girl to make a quick arrival. Please join us in that prayer, and for an uneventful delivery in addition.

Thanks! (Ps. Can I charge her 10 cents each day she goes past the due date????)

Then Sings My Soul Saturday--Who I Am...

2008-03-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Well, okay...I'm really trying to get motivated...I really am! I love this meme, but I have to be honest, I was struggling with what song to use this weekend. I've enjoyed some great old hymns on the other pages, and been exposed to new songs also. But me--well, I like to shake things up a bit! So you've been forewarned!

I've chosen a bit different song, and I hope that you will listen all the way through. I have chosen the song "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K. WHO? LOL Yes, exactly. They are very popular with the younger crew (and I still try to hang onto that inclusion as much as I can!), and this song as well as "Be My Escape" have enjoyed some secular radio play and use in movies/TV. ( I also love "For the Moments I Feel Faint" and "Getting Into You", but I think it would be overkill to put all these on here today!)

I'm not going to write much about it...but I think we all have moments in our walks where Satan reminds us of who we were and where we've been. He tries to tell us that we can't be loved, we can't be saved, we can't have value. He tells us lies about our value being tied to what we were, unable to experience rebirth and become better than what we were. I often find myself dwelling on my mistakes. But, through Christ, we find forgiveness and the ability to be washed and to become new creations! How wonderful that knowledge is!

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us-they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, no one is likely to die for a good person, though someone might be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God's judgment. For since we were restored to friendship with God by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be delivered from eternal punishment by his life. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God-all because of what our Lord Jesus Christ has done for us in making us friends of God.

--Romans 5:1-11 NLT

Oh, and don't forget to stop by Amy's blog "Signs, Miracles, and Wonders" to check out the other musical offerings to uplift and encourage you today!

Explaining child labor to children...AKA Don't bother trying!

2008-03-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

We are now approaching the week mark to my due date, and we have three children who are anxiously awaiting the big day. Mind you, Ms. B (11), Mr. M (10), and Mr. J (7) are old enough to understand patience, to some extent. They are masters of the countdown thanks to Advent Calendars and other holiday countdown rituals. But I have been unable to convince them that Baby EM is not magically just going to show up on her due date!

How long will you have to push her out? asked Ms. B yesterday.

Uhm, hopefully not too long, I answered in infinite wisdom.

More than four hours?

I pray to the Lord NOT! I responded.

And from Mr. J:
What's that line on your belly, Mommy?

What line? I don't see a line, I insisted.

Those, pointing to the fifty zillion faint white and pink stretch marks on my stomach.

Those are stretch marks, Mommy informed him.

Where'd you get them?

You! (Mommy tries hard not to cry!)

And Mr. M:
What if you go into labor while we're at school?

What do you mean?

Who's going to let us into the house?

(Mommy at this point lists about 25 possible different people from the neighborhood, family, church, etc. who could/would/should/might be able to help if such a thing actually happens. Unfortunately, the kids have a half day tomorrow and are off school all next week for spring break. The odds are strong that they will be home ALL DAY when I go into labor. Thank God for Aunt Brenda!)

So secretly, I'm hoping that birth and pregnancy will serve many lessons for our children, although after some of the questions we've fielded, my hopes aren't as high as they had been. I do secretly hope that it will serve as a great lesson for abstinence for the older two, at the very least. While we love babies around here, we hope they wait another 15 years or more to even consider having their own!

Best from the Past--It's my body...

2008-03-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in the final countdown waiting for baby to arrive, and I have lacked energy and drive to write anything worth putting up here. BUT...I had been writing and saving stuff elsewhere (myspace) and thought that this one was very timely considering I'm counting the days until our new baby arrives.

By the way, pray for me. The doc announced yesterday that she thinks our baby is going to be another "big" one...sigh...and I had so hoped for a normal sized baby. That picture of her foot back at the end of January should have clued me in, I suppose.

Here it is:

My husband and I are expecting our 6th baby (we each have children from a previous marriage, but this our 6th total), and we couldn't be more excited. We both knew before we met each other that we wanted to have bigger families. You can imagine my surprise when we first talked about size of families to find out that he wanted a large family too (I come with THREE of my own to start with!). But God is so good like that. He knows our hearts, and when we let Him, He puts us where we should be, with the people we should be with.

I'll admit that for the majority of modern families, the idea of more than two children (okay, maybe three...most of my friends who have children have three, not two) is vastly overwhelming. As a woman who had been raising three alone for several years, I can totally relate to why it IS overwhelming to think about for most people. But there are others, people who see more children as a joy, a gift, a chance to bless the world with adults who will make a positive difference, a prize even...well, to these people...small families seem odd.

As I watch TLC and other similar channels featuring shows with families that are comprised of 12 or more children, or shows like "John and Kate plus Eight", I realize that money really isn't a factor in whether these families choose to have "big" families. In every one of these families, mom stays home and works fulltime running the household and childrearing. These women, if employed outside of the home, would likely hold high-stress, high-powered positions because the skills that make them effective caring for numerous children and caring for/maintaining vehicles/homes also are the same skills that would make them highly qualified and effective executives.

And yet, when a woman chooses to have a large family (I have to question if men are questioned the same way...I have heard no reports from my husband of co-workers, etc. questioning his choice to rear a large family), society comes down hard on her.

Why?

I have several theories on this. First of all, I believe that we are all called to different purposes. Some women are not "built" for this lifestyle, either childbearing is not physically easy for them, or their passion does not fall to childraising. That's fine. I would hardly advocate that someone fight what their body will do or what their heart and stomach can handle. And their choice is just as valid as mine.

Another theory of mine is the pervasive cultural theory of stuff. Because mothers with large families rarely work outside the home, and because growing children eat TONS of food, create TONS of messes, outgrow TONS of clothing/shoes/toys, a large majority of the family's income goes into raising the children rather than into "toys" and stuff to fill a house. But why is it that people justify going further into debt to get a newer, fancier car, but can't understand how a family would choose to have another baby (that they will not put onto credit)? I know that no car, boat, RV, vacation home, sound system, theater system is going to make my life, from a hindsight view more blessed or meaningful. They just won't. But I believe strongly that looking back at moments shared with my children and spouse--moments of joy, laughter, tears, and pain--will highlight my life as I look back.

And perhaps, my third theory is that there are just too many people who are unhappy with the choices they've made in their own lives and who have too much time to criticize me for the choices I've made in my own. And for these people, more than anything, I have great sadness in my heart (for I know that, at times, I am guilty of this type of criticism towards others). Perhaps for these people, if they had had more children and less stuff, if they had made other choices, they would be too busy enjoying life to spend time questioning and criticizing mine. (Yes, don't worry...I'm reading my own words as I write them and feeling the conviction...and betting that in two months when this baby arrives, I will have too little time to spend worrying about others' decisions...and if not, shame on me!)

As for me and my family, I have no idea yet whether we will choose to have more children. Is six enough? Only God knows! But I feel strongly that it is God's decision, not mine (and definitely not society-at-large's) whether we have more children. And yes, for the record...I know what causes babies...and no, we don't have too many....
I mean, it's my body, and I'll pro-create if I want to!

TSMS Saturday--"Why"

2008-03-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to my friend Amy over at Miracles, Signs, and Wonders for her Saturday meme "Then Sings My Soul." Although I've never met her, I count her among my friends if for no other reason than I see how God uses her to encourage me. Thank you, Amy, for being a willing instrument!

This meme has been very close to me as music is the road that leads my life, marks the corners, and maps where I've been as well as where I am going. Life without music would be terribly sad for me.

With this being Easter weekend, I wanted to pick a song that reflected this time. Initially, I found this awesome little montage to "The Easter Song" as performed by Glad on YouTube that reminded me of Easter sunrise services growing up. It's an "old" traditional piece in my eyes, but considering it was first done by 2nd Chapter of Acts, I suppose I am only showing how green I am! It's hardly "old" by any stretch when compared with sacred music through the ages. To go enjoy that video (which I am not going to use as my song for the weekend), click here.

As I was seeking out that video, I stumbled upon a new song that really touched me and tied into the theme of beauty and value that I've been writing about. The video shows scenes from Mel Gibson's "Passion", so I will give the obligatory warning about having your children present. But the words really touched my soul deep and reminded me how I felt the first time I truly understood the gift that Jesus gave us by dying on the cross.

I love songs that tell stories. I love Mark Schultz for just that reason. He writes stories set to music. And it definitely takes a gift to recreate a tale in lyrical form. And this song, "Why" by Nichole Nordeman is no different.

So after he left I had to find out

I was not afraid of getting lost

So I followed the crowds

To a hill where I knew men had been killed

And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, "Father, why are they screaming?

Why are the faces of some of them beaming?

Why are they casting their lots for My robe?

This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows

Father, please can't You do something?

I know that You must hear My cry

I thought I could handle the cross of this size

Father, remind Me why

Why does everyone want Me to die?

When will I understand why?"

"My precious Son, I hear them screaming

I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming

But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own

Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know

But this dark hour I must do nothing

Though I've heard Your unbearable cry

The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies

Soon You'll see past their unmerciful eyes

Look there below, see the child

Trembling by her father's side

Now I can tell You why

She is why You must die"

See, my servant will prosper; he will be highly exalted. Many were amazed when they saw him -beaten and bloodied, so disfigured one would scarcely know he was a person. And he will again startle many nations. Kings will stand speechless in his presence. For they will see what they had not previously been told about; they will understand what they had not heard about. --Isaiah 52:13-15 NLT

Father, although it horrifies me to think of Christ bloodied, bruised, whipped, marred, shamed, embarassed and hanging on a cross so that I could have life, I am glad that You wanted me and loved me that deeply. Make me an instrument of your love and a witness to those who don't know that You love them just as much. Make me a reflection of You and Your love for others. Amen.

We interrupt your Easter weekend...

2008-03-21T16:53:00.001-07:00

So, here it is...Good Friday. For Christians, it is a sad and joyful day. Sad because we know that this is the day Jesus died a heinous death on a crude cross in our places, and joyful because His sacrifice meant we would never have to know the humiliation and pain of that type of death. His death brought us life. A GOOD thing.

But, if you live in the northern reaches, like I do....well, we interrupt your Easter weekend plans of egg hunts, lilies, and other spring flowers, pastel colored short-sleeved dresses and cute little boys in dress suits with shorts to bring you....

SNOW!

Oh, how I wish I were kidding! I was supposed to take a picture this morning to prove it to you, but I figured...why wouldn't you believe me??? At 10am, snow was falling hard and even the road, sidewalks, and grass were all white!

I am pleased to announce that it has since melted...but still...it's Easter weekend! When is it going to stop snowing around here for the year???

Sheesh!

Still waiting...

2008-03-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

For any of you who might be wondering...sigh...today is the first day of Week 38 of my pregnancy. According to everything I've read, if I go into labor today, they will not attempt to stop labor and will consider Baby full-term.

Which is all good! Except, we're still waiting...sigh...and I'm not really all that great at waiting.

So, I'm frustrated--first by things that I want to get done around the house (but my belly is stopping me or slowing me from doing) and secondly by having to wait. But I know that at the very worst, I have 28 days to go, and most likely FAR less than that.

And I'm reminded that the Old Testament and New Testament are full of the same command: Wait upon the Lord.

Sigh...okay...I get it, Father!

Waiting for a Star to Fall

2008-03-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Way back when in another era, there was this silly love song by a group called Boy Meets Girl. I'm pretty sure they were "one-hit wonders", but the song was pretty catchy. And it came to mind this morning, kinda out of the blue.

At 5:30am I started having pains in my belly. I don't remember a lot about the pain, other than it hurt, and it kept me from falling back to sleep. Over the next hour and a half, I continued to have random pains in my belly, but since I was (still am) so tired, I only really noted that I was in pain and couldn't really sleep. Now mind you, I'm 37 weeks along in my pregnancy. But, I've been induced with every one of my pregnancies to date due to pre-eclampsia. I have no idea what it feels like to go into labor naturally! When my hubby got home, I told him about the pains, but alas...perhaps they were those famous Braxton-Hicks contractions which get your body warmed up, but don't produce a new baby. At any rate, that was three hours ago, and I'm not having regular contractions now by any stretch of the imagination.

Sigh. Oh well.

But, it leaves me to sit and wait. And it feels like I'm waiting for a star to fall.

Trying to catch your heart

Is like trying to catch a star

But I can't love you this much baby

And love you from this far

Waiting for a star to fall

And carry your heart into my arms

That's where you belong

In my arms baby, yeah

Baby EM, that's where you belong...in our arms! Sigh...back to waiting....

Mirror, Mirror--Then Sings My Soul meme

2008-03-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

After having a week of feeling generally off--off schedule, off my game, off balance, off kilter--I have been looking forward to the "Then Sings My Soul" Saturday meme. This really fits my niche, picking a song that speaks to me and writing about how it touches my life so that you can experience it too. But there was some pressure in my own mind to find just the right song...the one that really fit my mood and would allow the Spirit to speak through me, and not for me to just blab about. I think I found it...and after checking out many different versions of it as a video, I chose this one.

The song is "Mirror, Mirror" by Barlow Girl. If you have teenage or tween-aged daughters, you owe it to yourself to check these girls out! They are sisters, and they are the Christian alternative to girls like Britney and Lindsay. Now mind you, I'm 30+ and these girls have only been around a couple of years (okay...maybe 5), but I was drawn to their music because the first song that I heard of theirs on the radio had a mean guitar riff. (I hate to admit it, but I have a major rock streak running through me!) My daughter also fell in love with them, and that is a major plus for me.

Below is the YouTube video (not the band's original video) of "Mirror, Mirror". I like the pictures and the lyrics being present together, and this particular version makes me want to cry. I believe it must have been originally done for teen girls battling with body issues--cutting, eating disorders, mutilation, makeup issues, etc. If you have small children, you might watch the video before you let them watch it. None of the pictures are terribly graphic, although there are several of girls who are so thin you can count their vertebrae and ribs, and one showing a girl who is bleeding. But please, if you aren't familiar with the song, watch it all the same. The message of the song far outweighs these quick clips!

I can't speak for you, but I CAN and WILL speak for myself. I hate the mirror most days. I rarely have a day where I pass the mirror and feel good about myself. It just doesn't happen. The mirror reminds me of everything that I do not like about myself--my weight, my acne, my nose, my chest, etc. The mirror distorts what is real. (Okay, my self esteem or lack thereof partnered with Satan's jabs are what really distorts what is real, the mirror only makes all of that more tangible.)

It is so easy to spend too much time in front of the mirror in the morning trying to make the reflection into something that I'm happy with. But who is there telling me that what I see is not beautiful? How did it happen that the mirror became so powerful?

I don't know. But what I do know is this: I am NOT alone in my struggle to accept and like what I see in the mirror. I am not the only person who attempts to change what they see so that they can accept it. I am not the only woman who wants to cry when she sees herself in the mirror from time to time. I am not the only woman who criticizes herself when she looks at the reflection thinking: If only I could lose 15 pounds; if only I were three inches taller; if only my nose were thinner; if only, if only, if only....

But God has made each of us unique. In Psalm 139 it says:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-and how well I know it. (vs.13 & 14, NLT)

"And how well I know it?" Yes, the Psalm writer reflected on God's intimate knowledge and creation of him and was amazed, but better than that...he says he knows it! This is a person who is not looking in the mirror and questioning what they should change so that they like themselves. He is marvelling over the complexity of his being, created by God.

Today, do you know that God made you MAH-VELOUS? When you look at your reflection in the mirror, can you stop from criticizing what you see and instead embrace the wonder of what God made you to be? Can you love yourself the way that God made you?

Father, remind me gently and repeatedly just how beautiful I am, not because my hair is perfectly coiffed, my teeth are precisely straight and white, my skin is blemish-free, or my clothes are top name brand, but because You love me and created me. Each time I want to tear myself down in front of the mirror, Father, remind that physical beauty is fleeting and subjective, and instead give me deep reassurance that I'm becoming a woman of Your beauty from deep within. And as You reassure me of these things, give me the strength and the boldness to remind my sisters of their beauty and to encourage them to find eternal, internal beauty from their relationships with You. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Verses to check out:
I Peter 3:1-6
Song of Solomon 4:7
Isaiah 60:15

Making manifest the Beauty of God

2008-03-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
--Marianne Williamson

I stumbled upon this quote tonight. I have to keep reading it over and over to let it soak in. Every word of it is true, and although from what I found on Ms. Williamson's background she is not a Christian, however her words here really strike a chord within me. I want to write more about it...but right now I just need to let the words wash over me in light of what Christ has done for me. I was born to make much of God, to praise Him each and every day in every action. That is so true.

Think about the quote and let me know what you think! (I promise to write more about it later!!!)

Seeking quotes about beauty!

2008-03-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me just how God works! Five days ago, almost tongue in cheek, I wrote the blog "She Don't Know She's Beautiful" in attempt to share my struggle with accepting that I could be physically beautiful and to embrace the knowledge that I'm beautiful in ways that go much deeper. This has been a journey for me for a very long time, trying to shed the negativities of the world and see myself as a beautiful woman, a child of God.

But clearly, from friends and fellow bloggers, I'm finding that I'm not alone at all. Gorgeous (I mean, drop dead gorgeous!) women are telling me just how much they related to what I wrote. And I feel as though God is telling me loudly, clearly---this is what YOU are supposed to do. This is your goal. Seek me and I will make you beautiful. And then, you're supposed to go out and encourage, uplift and remind your sisters that they are beautiful too!

So now, I need your help! I'm begging you to help me find quotes and songs about beauty. There's no prize, unfortunately, as I'm still very new to the blogging thing...and the only book I have in large quantity at my house right now is more for single Christian women than married or moms.

Please, bless me with your beauty quotes!

One of my new favorite blogs!

2008-03-08T23:42:00.000-08:00

Angela stopped by from "Refresh My Soul" blog to comment on my post "She Don't Know She's Beautiful" and turned me onto another great blog. So, being obedient and quite curious, I clicked over to "Signs, Miracles, and Wonders". There I found this quite marvelous idea for blogging, something that I've actually been doing for a while here--using a song as motivation for writing.

You'll notice, I've added a button on the left to send YOU right on over to check out the new "Then Sings My Soul Saturdays" meme. It's still new, but I hope that you'll enjoy it as much as I am!

Thanks again, Angela! (Check out Angela's blog for a yummy recipe too!)

You're SOOOO Invited! The Ultimate Blog Party 2008

2008-03-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm still new in many ways to the blogging thing, but since my life is in major transition, I have chosen my blog as a means of surviving the changes as well as reaching out to other women.

As part of this, I've been reading other women's blogs, mostly via Lysa TerKeurst's blog. My goal was to read at least one new blog a day and to comment on it, knowing that by doing that I am encouraging my sisters in Christ (as I am called to do), as well as networking and experiencing the various formats of blogging that exist.

In that journey, I stumbled across the Ultimate Blog Party 2008! Here is an awesome opportunity for you to join women across the country and find more blogs! It's also a way to get your blog out there. I hope that you will join me in the party.

(Oh, and by the way, at the very end stages of my pregnancy, I'm loving any party I don't have to get all dressed up for! LOL)

If you're new here, here's a little about me:
I'm a 30 something newly remarried mom. My wonderful hubby, Dan, and I both have beautiful children from our first marriages--three on my side, two on his. We are currently expecting baby number six (yes, we know what causes it and how to stop it! LOL). We both wanted a big family, and well, we've got one!

I was a single mom raising these three angels mostly on my own for the past five years. My middle child, Mikey (10), was born with a bi-lateral cleft lip and palate back in 1997. What a journey!

I am just starting my maternity leave from work. I've been working full time since 2002 outside of the home, and long to stay home--either working from home, or just loving and raising my family.

One of the most important things in my life is God. He is the reason I have hope, and the reason I keep going when things get tough (which seems to be more than not some weeks!). In addition, writing and music are passions of mine also.

Welcome to my little "table", and I hope you stop by again!

She Don't Know She's Beautiful

2008-03-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

Anyone here seen the movie "High Fidelity" with John Cusack??? It's from way back in the early 90s, but it was a movie that made an impact on me because I could relate to how the main character had associated parts of his life with the songs and music that got him through those times.

Most of the music that I listen to is "Christian" although my husband has gotten me into a few Country artists and songs, and I every so often listen to the radio station that plays songs from my high school years. But music, especially songs with lyrics, mark my life out. Some songs bring me to tears to this day, regardless of what my mood might be when it comes on. Others have the same effect but make me smile or laugh. Either way, music is an important part of how I associate with life.

One song that my husband has gotten me into is "She Don't Know She's Beautiful" by Sammy Kershaw. (Because I know nothing about Sammy, please do not in any way interpret this as me plugging him as a great artist...the song just helps me relate to something I struggle with...that's it really.)

Morning comes and her hair's all a mess
That's when she thinks she looks her worst
It's times like this she don't know why
I can't take my eyes off her
'Cause she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful

Growing up, I was raised to see people as more than what they appeared to be. I was taught that a person's value did not depend on how pretty, thin, tall, etc. they were; their value lay far deeper in their personality, their talents, their skills, etc. I was taught simply:

"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

--I Samuel 16:7 NIV

It's a great way to look at yourself and at others. Beauty fades. Weights can change. But the epitome of a person comes from within and generally does not change that dramatically. But where it failed me is that I learned to value myself purely on internal things and to actually reject any physical attractiveness I might posess. I could accept someone calling me "cute", but I was not pretty, nor beautiful. To this day, I struggle with the idea that I can be physically beautiful. It just can't be. And this is much to my loving husband's frustration, I know.

Last night he told me how beautiful I am. But all I could see was the dimples in my buttocks and thighs and the number on the scale representing the large amount of weight I've put on during my pregnancy. I could not see how I could be beautiful. Like I said, I struggle with this...present tense verb...this is something that I will fight the rest of my life. But I know that there is beauty that goes more than skin deep. There is beauty that age, gravity, body weight, etc. cannot destroy or rob us of.

Now that's the beauty I want! That's the beauty I strive for.

And what I know is this--when we attain the kind of intrinsic beauty that radiates from our hearts and souls, it makes us physically beautiful to those around us. It just does. I don't understand it exactly, but the girls who are in step with God always attract others (even men) regardless of how they look on the outside. In fact, non-believers are often attracted to these women of "beauty" even though they have no idea how to put the attraction into words.

On some level, I think I am attaining this. (At least, it's my goal each day...to be different in the world and to make them ask me why.) People have always trusted me and told me things that there was no justification for sharing with me (and I have always done everything I could to keep their confidences...that's important to me). It's been that way since I was in middle school. And many acquaintances in high school would ask me how and why I was different.

Perhaps my biggest fear is that I'm not audaciously "different" enough to draw those questions these days and to reflect an inner beauty that only God can give (or take away--though He never would!). How about you? Do you know that you are beautiful? If not, hold up your Bible and look in the mirror. You were so beautiful that Jesus died on a cross and rose again. Why? Because He couldn't bear a day without you! And if that doesn't mean you're beautiful, I don't know what will!

And, of course, I have to end with another video...I love these songs!

What you're worth

2008-03-04T20:24:00.001-08:00

I hate to always compare values with money, but it is a powerful word picture and one that almost everyone can identify with. In our world, price is driven by so many things--demand, supply, politics, etc. And we all know when we see a good value. I mean, I love bargain hunting!

But the thought of my own self worth--well, it doesn't remind me of bargain hunting at all. Honestly, it makes me think of this:

Not very pretty, and hardly worth much. Life has left me feeling a little useless (you've heard about the talk to stop minting pennies???), and even a little corroded. I have done some of this to myself--making decisions that weren't good for me, following the lead of persuasive people who didn't care about me at all--and some of this was done by outside sources. But all the same, it is easy for me to "value" myself very lowly.

Perhaps you have experienced something recently that made you feel like you had little value. Perhaps you are recovering from an experience like that right now. And if so, it is my prayer that God has led you here so I can share a little bit of joy and change your view and self-value right now.

See, the great thing about knowing God is this: He is the ultimate "Banker", and unlike the mysterious banker on "Deal or No Deal", it is His goal to make you rich! He wants you to walk away with the million dollars, and He will not tear you down in an attempt to do it!

As Christians, our value is not related to what we've done, who we are, or where we've been. In fact, our value isn't even related to what we will do, who we will become, or where we may go. Our value is completely independent of that. Our value is very high--so high, Jesus had to lay down his life to buy it. And then, to make it even more amazing--He got his life back and so did you!

Your value is not determined by the mistakes you've made, the tragedies you've endured, the pain you've caused others or they've caused you. Your value is set by the one who purchased you! In I Corinthians it says (v.19, 20a):

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price.

You were bought with a price! You have value! And your value is determined by the demand (God wants you BAD!) and by the supply (there's only ONE you!). No matter how little you feel like you're worth, God knows exactly how much value you have (and so do I!).

And in case you need a little musical "pick me up", here's a short music video that speaks deeply to me when I struggle with my own value.

The promise of a new day

2008-03-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

February is not going down in my book as one of the greatest months of my life. It has been filled with many tumultuous ups and downs, and I could hardly wait to see it end. But it did....finally!

And this morning, when I got up and out of bed...March was here and the sun was out and shining down on us. After a record-setting winter, repeated illnesses for me and my family, and far too many days that were gray in some shape or another, today with its sunshine and "comfortable" temperatures in the mid-40s is such a promise!

So, I'm going to go play (or at least shop...we're going to have family pictures taken tomorrow and we need coordinated shirts for that) and enjoy this promise. See you guys tomorrow...if it doesn't rain. *winks*

If I thought it wouldn't hurt you...

2008-02-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

There are times when my mind rushes with things that I would love to say or write or shout. And unfortunately, most of the time, I either never say them, or I simply pray them off to God. It's not that I don't want to tell you. I do. But I don't want to hurt you with words that are careless, poorly thought out, or whose motive is nothing more than tearing you apart.

Sometimes I'm just irritated and I want to say something that is mean-spirited and ultimately irrelevant. But I don't (most of the time, at least) because I know that the wrongly stated and timed word can change the world for a lifetime. Often, I want to say something in response to something you've said to me that hurt me. But I won't because something reaches out to me and reminds me that two wrongs don't make a right. And sometimes, like right now, I have something that I really want to say, but I know that it could be taken the wrong way simply because I know that when I have heard these words spoken to myself, it has hurt or offended me deeply.

So, if I thought it wouldn't hurt you, I would write or tell you right this instant what is going on in my heart and my head. I would tell you to back off, to mind your own business, to get a life, or whatever would be most appropriate in the situation. I suppose the blessing in all of this is that still small voice that reminds me that I should speak in love.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger."

--Proverbs 15:1 NLT

Please do not take my silence to equal anger. Most of the time my silence is nothing but an action of love for you and for our relationship. Prayerfully considered words, I have found, are far better received than those spoken in haste.

That's what I would say, if I thought it wouldn't hurt you...

How I refuse to be

2008-02-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

The people soon began to complain to the Lord about their hardships; and when the Lord heard them, his anger blazed against them. Fire from the Lord raged among them and destroyed the outskirts of the camp.

--Numbers 11:1 NLT

This was the first verse in our Bible reading tonight. And it struck me, as we are facing many trials right now, just how easy it would be to become like the Israelites, especially in light of the many parallels of the Christian's walk with the wandering of the Israelites in the desert. And yet, right here, right now, I am making a statement:

I REFUSE TO BECOME LIKE THAT.

Instead...I am going to praise God for His awesome kindness, love, provision, and many blessings--not one of which I am deserving of. I am going to look at today for the blessings and gifts that I was given.

I am going to count each moment of my work day that went without a major hitch as a blessing. The Lord only knows how many opportunities there were for things to go wrong, yet it was remarkably smooth. I am going to count each hug my youngest gave me today to tell me he loved me, instead of each time that I had to correct him for not listening or for being disrespectful. I am blessed to have a job--there are many who are unemployed and don't know how they are going to provide for their families; I am blessed to have children--there are women who cry themselves to sleep nightly from barrenness.

I am going to remember that although we have seen money come and go from our hands this month in ways that we had not predicted or planned for, I am going to praise God for making the money go far enough to provide for our needs as we continued to be faithful in our giving to Him first. I am going to remember that for each thing that I feel entitled to in this life, that really...deep down, death is the only thing due me.

I am going to remember that for each person who is ripped from my life--by distance, by death, or by other circumstances--new people are put into my life to bless me in their place. And although people may leave, they have touched me and blessed me in many different ways, and I will forever be better for their roles in my life.

I refuse to become a complainer. God has delivered me from far more than what I could begin to list as being problems in my life. I must stay focused on the blessing. And if you see my struggle, please remind me to stop and count my blessings.

Finding the Center

2008-02-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

The last eight days have been tough. I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy and my days at work before my maternity leave are drawing to a close. I have been suffering with a horrible viral infection that my husband, daughter, and most of my co-workers have also had--marked with chest congestion, head congestion, fever, sneezing. Only, being that I'm pregnant, I have had limited abilities to treat the symptoms. I spent Friday home on the couch blowing a very red and irritated nose all day long and praying for a nap, only for sleep to elude me.

My pregnancy is going extremely well, and although the doctors have been watching me like a hawk for early signs of pre-eclampsia (which I suffered with during the last three pregnancies), I have yet to develop even the slightest abnormalities! Unfortunately, I have also been very sleep deprived as of late, which although I know is not uncommon, has not really aided me well in terms of fighting this cold or dealing with any of the other stressors in my life.

I have come to the computer several times in the last eight days longing to leave something for you, only to go away frustrated because I was too tired to write, or because I couldn't find my center enough to write anything that would bless or encourage. And tonight, as I left a comment on Lysa TerKeurst's blog about how I had wanted to write but was unable to--it hit me.

I have lost my center.

In the midst of all that goes on in our lives, as Christians our center should always be easy to find. Our stronghold, our rock, our Redeemer is in Jesus Christ. And although I have prayed about the various things going on in my life, I have lost my centering in Christ. I really need Him in my life first and foremost to make sense of the madness around me, and to give me peace.

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. "

John 14:27 NLT

I need this kind of peace right now. And I know that the only way that I can find it is to seek it from Jesus. So, although I don't have a formula for getting there, I am seeking this peace right now. And it is my prayer that I will not find myself wandering away from it again anytime soon.

And, if it helps you the way it helps me, here is a clip of the song, "Jesus, Be the Center"--my Pastor's favorite praise song, and one that I am comforted by right now.

To Whom It May Concern

2008-02-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

Please excuse, Ceci, our blog writer for her absense the last several days. She was not playing hooky, but was validly ill. In light of her horrible flu/chest cold coupled with being in the third trimester of her pregnancy, she did well to get out of bed, dressed and drag herself to the living room where she could somewhat monitor the children as they prepared for school, played, did homework, etc.

The report is that she is feeling better and will return promptly to share her thoughts will all of you...especially something about parenting and personality.

Sincerely,
Baby Elizabeth (in utero)

There has to be a better way

2008-02-19T18:57:00.001-08:00

I was raised by a single mom, so perhaps that is why I often feel the "need" to work in some manner to help support my family. Perhaps it's just the world calling to me telling me all the stuff I "need" to be happy (which I don't actually need, I only want). But whatever it is, I struggle with balancing the idea of leaving a traditional office/desk-based job to be at home with my family--especially as I near the end of my fourth pregnancy and can somewhat afford not to work.

Deep down, I know that there has to be a way to work from home. Part time. I mean, I'm good at what I do. Now, I'm not sure that I can continue to do exactly what I do right now from home, but the skills I have developed that make me good at what I currently do will make me great in other facilities as well. And my past experiences in college taking classes via the internet will make me a good candidate for a telecommuting position as well.

I don't know exactly why I'm posting all of this here. I could build my resume and post it here. I could...it wouldn't take me long at all to do. But perhaps part of my need to write about this here is to overcome fear--fear of taking a step in a new direction, fear of finding out I'm not as qualified as I believe I am--and part of it is because I believe networking is the best way to find my way into this "new" career.

So, I you need help researching something, entering and integrating data, typing and editing word processing, or just need a personal assistant (or know someone who does), let me know. I know there has to be a better way!

The Way I See It

2008-02-15T19:49:00.001-08:00

I have spent most of my "adult" years overweight. Perhaps it's not surprising when you consider that I've had three children, and spent most of those years taking care of them, and less taking care of myself. However, I know that there is far more to my past obesity (present obesity withstanding since I put the weight on during my current pregnancy and will be working my rear off to drop it again) than simply having three children. For years, I either ignored my "fat" body, or rationalized about it. I learned to love me the way I was and ignored the risks to my health and joints caused by my obesity.

As much as I dislike admitting my regular viewer-ship of reality TV, I have become a huge fan of NBC's "The Biggest Loser". Just a few weeks ago, Jillian, one of the trainers on the show told her team that there was always an underlying emotional reason for someone's obesity, and that until a person uncovered and dealt with that emotional reason for their obesity, they could not maintain any weight loss for a lifetime.

That really made me think.

Some of you are aware that I lost a tremendous amount of weight about 18 months ago. I maintained my weight loss really well until I met my husband, got married and pregnant. However, that was not the first time I faced that pattern. Back in 1999, I also lost a large amount of weight, maintained for six months until I got pregnant. I regained that weight and carried it around until 18 months ago...a period that was almost 5 years long.

For a long time, I addressed issues from my formative years that I thought were key to my obesity--eating habits, lack of exercise, the habit of convenience foods and drive through--and told everyone that I was not an emotional eater. In fact, when I'm overly stressed or emotional, I'm less likely to eat. But that is still a type of emotional eating. But what I missed all this time was that these were symptoms that led me to obesity, but they were not the cause. The cause lie much deeper than these.

I was raised by a single mom, and my biological father was emotionally and physically absent from my life. In fact, in my lifetime, I would estimate that I have spent less than 48 hours with him, including phone calls. I know who he is, but I've never really known him. He was always elusive. And I spent alot of my childhood bargaining with God to bring my father into my life. And when that didn't work, I attempted to gain my father's approval through my achievements.

But nothing I did--confirmation, high school graduation, my wedding, or my firstborn's baptism--was enough to draw his attention or interest in me in a real and tangible level. As a result, I did exactly what every sociological study about girls without active fathers predicts--I lost my virginity at a young age to an older boy who showed me attention. I sought this boy's love, since I could not get my father's love, and when he gave it and asked for more, I was more than happy to oblige, so long as he continued to love me.

The miracle is that God loved me all along and watched out for me. I was supernaturally protected from all the potential "results" of my mistakes. And I am able to write this because God loved me even when my biological father failed at it.

However, along the way, I learned to get men's attention. I wore close-fitting clothing and short skirts, low cut blouses, and longed for the attention of "older" boys. I hit puberty early and had much skill in actually drawing their attention, although it was for all the wrong reasons. I was the victim of things I should never have faced if I had simply had a "normal, healthy" relationship with my dad. But I didn't. And eventually, I learned that attention equalled power. But among other girls, it made me hated and despised--the object of gossip and lies.

Somewhere along the way, I got married and had kids. As a mom, I couldn't be the "sex kitten" anymore. My job was raising those kids, and I got caught up in that and "let myself go". I put on weight with each of my pregnancies, and at age 24 weighed in at 220 pounds! I had three beautiful children, and I loved myself mostly, but I was borderline "morbidly" obese.

When I made the decision to make a change and lose the weight back in April 2006, my decision was based upon health factors, and a "teensy" bit by my desire to meet a great guy. I could tell from my mom and her sisters' health issues where my life and health were going if I continued to carry around the extra weight for years and years. I did not want joint problems at a young age. I knew I had to make a change, and quickly, for life. And I knew that I wanted a healthy guy in my life, but how could I expect a healthy guy to accept me with unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits. A change was absolutely necessary.

So with help, over eight months, I lost nearly 70 pounds, going from 220 pounds to 155 pounds. I couldn't believe how great I felt and looked! Even women commented on my weight loss. I became an inspiration to others at work. I worked hard at my weight loss, and I was proud of myself.

But along the way, while I was taught to deal with the symptoms of my obesity--mindless eating, unhealthy food choices, lack of exercise--I never did deal with the real issue because I didn't really know what it was. It wasn't until I had lost the majority of that weight that it began to reveal itself to me.

My weight was a security blanket. It kept me from the unhealthy habit of attracting men's attention with my body. It forced me to stand on my personality and skill, not on my looks. Being the fat girl, I forced men to respond to me in what seemed like a "safer, more real" way. And it reinforced better choices for me, especially after a divorce that left me feeling unattractive and rejected even further. The men who did notice me were quality men seeing my skill, my personality, seeing a more "real" me. I was unremarkable physically. I had acne (even as an adult) and with my weight, men saw right through me. I even worked in an all-male office and often was heard commenting that it was almost as if in their eyes, I was asexual.

But when I dropped the weight and regained a curvaceous figure, the guys who had never noticed me physically started to drop hints and hit on me. And suddenly I found myself becoming hostile towards them about this. A man who had known me for three years during my obesity became almost aggressive in his desire to take me to dinner, although prior to my weight loss, his interest never left business. I was quite offended that I had "value" in his eyes as a thinner version of me, but had lacked value previously. I was the same person, only my wrapping had changed!

Even until I got married and pregnant, I continued to have similar experiences. Men who had not paid attention to me before my weight loss had new interest in me. And it was quite infuriating.

Ultimately, the problem was that being thinner, I became an object--when I was younger by choice, and now that I was wiser, somewhat by default. Neither really made the "real" me happy or feel loved. What I had desired all along was to be loved by my daddy.

See that was it. The real reason for my obesity was to hide from hurt and bad patterns I learned as a child to protect myself from the hurt caused by my biological father's rejection. To this day, there is still pain in my heart knowing that he still has not found enough interest to be a part of my life. But at this point, I also realize many other things. I have been protected from an emotionally abusive relationship. I have learned that my value does not come from my looks, although I feel better about myself when I like how I look. (The stress here is that I feel better when I like how I look...not when men like how I look.) And ultimately, the loss is my father's and not mine. I was the victim. It was not my fault. I cannot change his choice. I cannot convince him I'm worthy of his time, attention, or love. And those are the same lessons I learned from my failed marriage. True love doesn't require me to prove my worthiness to someone else.

I am beautiful and loved. God created me and bought me at a high price. I was set aside to be a princess. And no man can take that away from me. And only when I truly claim that knowledge in my head and heart can I really see me the way I am in a healthy manner, no matter what I weigh.

As I near the end of my pregnancy (and as I weigh in at the same weight as my previously highest weight), I have decided and resolved to lose all the baby weight again in the first year. I will do it, not by centering on a weight, but centering on health--measured by body fat and fitness, and by blood pressure and cholesterol--for my children, for my husband, and for me. But most of all, I will do it because God loves me and made me His temple. And there is a great blessing in taking care of it for those reasons.

"Do not consider his appearance or his height... The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

--I Samuel 16:7 (NIV)

The ultimate Valentine

2008-02-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

Last year, I was alone for Valentine's Day by choice. By that, I mean that I had given up looking and had not been approached by a suitable man. I didn't mind though. It was where I was in my life, and I embraced it (although it was hard to watch as the other women at work got flowers delivered all day long!).

Today, I am married to the most wonderful man that I could have in my life, and I'm expecting his baby. Money's tight, so our celebration was simple. And although I still didn't get flowers delivered to me at work, inside there was still a joy in my heart. I know that I am loved--with or without flowers.

And all of this made me really think about being loved. Even when I was a single mom, working crazy hours and longing for a great Christian man to come into my life, I was still loved. In fact, I have never been unloved. NEVER.

The amazing thing about love is that we can all have it. God sent Jesus to us as a baby to demonstrate how much He loves us. In a way, Jesus is a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses. He is the symbol and the price of God's deep love for us. And Jesus' life is not unlike a rose--filled with beauty, and marred with thorns. Jesus is our Valentine's rose.

I believe that the best time to receive roses from my beloved is at a time when I won't expect it. So while receiving roses on Valentine's Day is very romantic, receiving them one week afterward, or before, is even more romantic, because it is not expected. This is the same kind of romance we see in God's gift of Jesus.

Jesus came in a way that was unexpected (although it was foretold). And his arrival was a surprise to many who thought a king should have a more noble and royal arrival. Even the people who had been foretold of his coming did not accept or realize that he was who he was. It was that much of a surprise!

And we can all have that gift. God sent Jesus for each one of us because He loved us. All we have to do is acknowledge that, accept our need for forgiveness and our inability to save ourselves, and ask Jesus into our hearts. And then we can have a Valentine every day, no matter what.

Serenity Prayer, part two

2008-02-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

When I wrote the other evening, I "googled" the Serenity prayer and found much to my surprise that it was much longer than what I had been exposed to all these years. And yet, as I read and reread the expanded version, I decided that I really like the full version.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;

How difficult this is! I try so hard to live each day as if it were my last, to live my life out loud, unafraid and unabashed, and yet, I often feel that somehow I am held back by some fear that if I don't plan ahead, I'll fail miserably. But when we have Christ in our hearts and lives, we have no need to fear the future, and thus no reason not to live for today alone. This part of the prayer is something I need to remember each moment.

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;

Hardships as the pathway to peace? It sounds ridiculous! And yet, many world religions teach similar virtues, that facing and surviving trials teaches and develops character and strength. What would break a single strand of thread will not break a three strand cord. Surviving and accepting hardship moves us from being a single strand to becoming a cord. And the more strength we posess, the less our peace can be shaken.

Accepting the world we live in is something that we all struggle with, regardless of whether we believe in a god or not, or what God we believe in. There seems to be some innate requirement in us to seek change for the better, but at times that desire to make things better tears at our need to find balance and acceptance. There are things that we cannot change, no matter how unfair, how unrealistic, how horrific they may be, and by fighting against them without recognizing that they are fixed, we waste energy and weaken the heart, mind, and body. We are weakened by fighting what we cannot change.

And, if Jesus was willing to accept the sinful world as it was, why should we not also accept it? This may seem like a call to love sin, but it is not. It is simple acceptance of an imperfect world that we sojourn in for but a brief moment. We can change who we are in it, and we can change how we respond to the sinful parts of it. The choice to do this in a healthy manner will lead to further health and joy for us.

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

I have to think that one of our biggest fallacies as broken humans is the ability to trust anyone or anything. Putting our trust in something or someone else takes us out of the seat of control and puts us at some external force's mercy. It's extremely difficult to deal with or accept (ask any teenager). However, as infants we come into this world left to trust completely someone else's competency to care for us. And the majority of us were well cared for as infants and children.

Surrendering to God and to His will for our lives is difficult, not because He will not take care of us and do it supremely well, but because it means that we have to give up a part of "I want" for "I needed". God will take care of us. But we have to submit to His will and let Him do it. That's the hard part--letting go.

But as the writer stated, there is happiness when we do let go and trust God to take care of us today and for the future. And perhaps for you, like I find for myself, making the choice to let go and let God take care of us is a moment by moment choice, over and over until we get it right.

Because, serenity really comes from letting go and letting God take care of us. So simple, and yet so difficult to actually do.

Serenity Prayer

2008-02-11T17:59:00.000-08:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

There is such a relief in finding something that you cannot change, accepting it, dealing with that fact and just making the most of what you have. And the realization that we can't change something is tough for us many times, especially for me.

I'm not a control freak exactly. I don't long to control everyone's lives around me. But I do like to feel like I have a say in what happens in my own life and in the lives of those closest to me. I want to believe that I can affect change on the world around me. And I dislike being told that there is nothing that I can do. I'm just what I like to think of as a "do-er".

Not necessarily a bad thing, unless you can't accept that there are things that you cannot do anything about. PERIOD. And I'm working on that. I'm working on identifying those things early on, and letting go of them, working around them as they stand.

Right now, that means that I am accepting some changes that have happened at work. I haven't fought them, exactly. But I have been stubborn to truly accept that they are permanent changes that I dislike and would not have chosen. In many ways, these changes have stolen the joy I found doing my job. I do still have moments where I look at what I do and think, "Wow...I'm glad I get to do this," but those moments are becoming fewer and further apart. More often, I am pulled down by my secret resentment of the changes. I waste precious energy on this resentment and it does nothing to change the situation, or to change me in a positive way.

So now that I have identified that I cannot change the situation, I have decided to make the best of what I have, or to remove myself from the situation completely. And for lack of courage to remove myself at this time, I am just resolving that it will never be to me what it once was. I will never look at the people around me through the same view. I will not experience the same feeling of pride from doing what I do. Instead, I take the moments that cause me to smile, or the "thank you" from a customer and hold those close to my heart as a reason to press through.

And you know what, it gives me serenity.

Recovering from the blessing of a baby shower

2008-02-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

I apologize that I'm not going to take time to write some glorious and inspirational entry today. This afternoon was my baby shower, and I've been out and about for over 12 hours today.

To all of those who attended my baby shower and blessed us with wonderful gifts, thank you for your kindness and generosity! To those who sent gifts but couldn't make it, thank you also.

I'm going to spend tonight with my kids and hubby trying to relax and recover in time for an awesome day tomorrow, and hopefully some hugely relevant things to share tomorrow!

Help me count down!

2008-02-09T22:57:00.000-08:00

The Pattern

2008-02-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

I have always loved geometric patterns, especially those repeating kinds that almost seem to create an optical illusion. I remember spending hours coloring in these really cool coloring books my grammy gave me filled with those kinds of patterns. I loved doing that.

When I was still quite young, my mom taught me how to cross stitch. My first "piece" was very simple, only about 20 stitches, but she taught me how to read a pattern and count out the stitches on the fabric and how to read the pattern for color and stitch type. At age seven, I had completed several very basic pieces.

As a young child I also remember watching the ladies from my grammy's church come together over an elaborate piece quilt. Together, they put all these little shapes together to create an elaborate design. And I remember watching my mother stitch on a white-on-white baby quilt to create a picture on an otherwise blank piece of cotton.

The thing about patterns is that they take separate things and entities that mean nothing alone and put them together in a harmony that creates something larger and more complex (and often more beautiful and enjoyable) than any of the individual pieces. Patterns often teach us how to "read" them also, making further sense of the colors and shapes involved. Some patterns are simple, much like my first cross stitch piece. Other patterns, like the log cabin piece quilts I saw, were complicated and required forethought and skill to put together in a way that made sense.

Life is really not much different. We start with a simple pattern with very simple "stitches" and color "schemes". As children we learn from a small environment, normally our parents, how certain things go together. These are often simple things like saying "Please" and "Thank you" when making requests. There are few variables, at first, and we see them happen repeatedly, and we are urged even more repeatedly to follow that pattern.

As we age, the color scheme is broadened, more stitches are learned and used, and the overall complexity of the pattern is greater. We suddenly are in positions where we have to "fill in" the pattern from past experience. At times, we aren't sure what should go next and we are left to simply sink or swim on our own. Sometimes we have enough history with a particular pattern to make a fairly reasonable guess as to how we should respond. Sometimes we have nothing to help us. And sometimes, we just ignore it all and do what "feels" best to us.

But where I've found that life is not a simple matter of patterns is that it appears too many times in my own life, someone has grabbed the piece I was working on and replaced it with a new piece, sometimes even a new medium to create on and with. For instance, as I was having my children, I woke to a child who wasn't "perfect". His pattern had a flaw, and as I was perfecting the motherhood thing, I was thrown off kilter. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I could do was yanked out of my hands. Instead, I was given a new pattern, one with foreign names and colors and a totally different medium. My life took a totally different course because of the change.

Similarly, when my marriage failed, I realized that I didn't have a good pattern to work from at all. The pattern that I held in my hands was loosely planned and devised and highly inadequate for creating a piece that reflected anything of beauty. Instead it represented disjointed stitches in conflicting color schemes that played themselves out in a pattern of randomness that made little sense to anyone. Even as I realized how poor that pattern was, I clung to it because it was all I knew. But that pattern, too, was ripped from my hands.

In an attempt to create something better from what was left afterward, I attempted to create a new pattern for my life and for my children. For perhaps the first time in my life, I truly realized how much I needed someone or something bigger to guide my pattern. I sought God to make something useful out of the bits and pieces of the patterns I had been working on and having ripped from my hands all along the road of my life. I gave Him the control to make the stitches here and there, to change colors when needed, even when I couldn't see any sort of "real" pattern.

Over a period of five years, I faced parenting three children without a spouse. But God gave me angels to help out. He placed boundaries to keep me from becoming reckless with fatigue or being overwhelmed. He placed me in a church home that was supportive, even if not perfect. In time, He yanked my preconceived notions of the pattern He was creating for me. Time after time, He has changed the pattern, often to my own frustration. But I have attempted to be faithful, even when it has required me to give up the things I held most dear (i.e. things besides Him). Sometimes the "sacrifice" of what I wanted was painful and brought me to tears. Other times, it has left me in disbelief. Over all, it has left me totally and overwhelmingly blessed beyond what I deserve.

I still can't see the final "pattern" of my life. I can look back at squares that make no sense on their own, nor with the squares around them. But what gives me hope, what keeps me pressing on is the knowledge that one day I will stand beside the Creator and look back on the pattern, and I will know that it is beautiful because of the "Artist" who has created it.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

--Jeremiah 29.11 (NLT)

The Man-Fast--Looking Back One Year

2008-02-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

“As part of this man-fast, I am giving up trying to guess what you are saying or what it meant. I’m not going to try to figure it out. It doesn’t matter what I think it meant. It matters that I am faithful to you, and right now, I know that I must put you first. No man has the right to come before you in my eyes. No human man can love me the way that you already do. And while I still would like to have a husband someday, if that is your will for me, I will choose to live today as I am, content and living with purpose…Please help me each day to keep my eyes on you. I know that it is a command, and then a promise.

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these thingswill be given to you.

How I missed that for so long, I don’t entirely know. And sadly, I am sure that someday in the future, I will miss it again. But for now, I am hungry for more of you. I want to know and be known by you. I want to serve for you. I want to love and be loved by you. I want to be exhorted by you. Show me new and wonderful things about yourself. Reveal your will each moment that I breathe so that I may know you and what I should be doing to follow you.”

The above is from my personal prayer journal written just one year ago, while I was on my “man-fast”. I felt led by God to put aside the desire for a man in my life. When I started the man-fast, I stopped chatting online, and all communication beyond work and church with single men. I knew that God had something special for me, if I could only stop and see it. So I gave up the distraction so that God could and would talk to me.

ONE YEAR LATER…how have my struggles changed? how are they still the same? Have any of the insights from a year ago really dramatically changed my life? Will today’s insights change my life in the coming year?

Ironically, when I gave up my desire to find a man to spend my life with, not too much later a wonderful man was dropped into my life. He was a man who saw me in much the same way God does, and I still feel unworthy of the love and devotion of either. However, I still struggle daily with putting God before my desire to please my husband. I think that most of us struggle with this, as Paul noted in I Corinthians 7:

“In everything you do, I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. But a married man can't do that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be more devoted to the Lord in body and in spirit, while the married woman must be concerned about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (vs. 32-35, NLT)”

Clearly, the married folk have the complication when serving God of trying to make a spouse happy and still serve God with a whole and complete joy. I know for a fact that I struggled with this in my first marriage. I had no idea how to make God happy, and even less idea how to make my husband happy. And in the end, I failed both miserably. (Praise God for forgiveness that allows me a fresh start!)

That’s not to say that I believe that marriage is within a constant struggle of our relationship with God. I just believe that it is a very careful balance, one that even I cannot begin to explain to others. But what I do know is that marriage to a like-minded believer is much easier than to a non-believer. In fact, I am so excited because my husband and I read the Bible together everyday. He reads it aloud to me, and I follow in my own Bible so I don’t get distracted. We talk about what we’ve read. We search each other’s knowledge for things we may not understand, and we discuss our take of what we’ve read and how it applies to our own lives. We also talk about the sermons from both churches. Most weeks, the morning message (my church) is a lead into the evening message (his church), and it deepens our understanding of the Word and of God.

Did my insights from last year really change my life for today? Well, I’m writing about it. That must mean it did. And the fact that I’m writing about it for you to read means that it will likely make a difference in a year. And that is the wonderful part about growth. When you stop growing, you die. I have no plans for that anytime soon!

If you are reading this because you are still searching for “Mr. Right”, I pray that God will make it clear to you exactly what He wants for you. It may be just what He wanted for me--to give up that desire and make God Himself the ultimate desire of your heart, or it may be something quite different. No matter what it is, when you seek God first and align your heart and life with that, the rest is sure to be a blessing. And ultimately, the man-fast taught me one thing: God-seeking first means no man-seeking required.

Six months of absolute bliss

2008-02-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

So, I admit, I almost missed it completely, so I'm not surprised that he didn't remember it either. But it is today, and it is a HUGE milestone for us. Today is our six month wedding anniversary. I can honestly say that I have no doubts about our marriage, only about my own self. My hubby is the most wonderful and perfect man for me. And sadly, I remembered that this was the day after he got to work (and had to turn off his cellphone *frowns*).

All the same, I wanted to take a moment to tell the world:

I LOVE YOU, DAN!

The footprint across my heart

2008-02-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

We had an ultrasound the other day of Baby Elizabeth. This picture is exactly what she is...a footprint across my heart...

Clearly, she is going to have feet like her daddy...I think she's going to be born with feet that are bigger than mine!

Join me on my journey

2008-02-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

I'm a brave girl. I was a single mom to three beautiful kids for almost five years. I faced almost any challenge with a "can-do" attitude. But I wanted someone to share the journey with. I longed for a godly companion to stand beside me as I gritted my teeth and pushed onward and through whatever obstacle I faced.

Last August, I married him. And my life has been so much richer, fuller, funnier, scarier, busier, and so much more wonderful because of him. God truly blessed me, and I still say a prayer of thanksgiving each day that God felt I was worthy enough to be with such a loving man.

Part of this journey has been an expanded family. Together, we have five kids ranging in age from 7 to 11-1/2. We have three boys and two girls. Oh, and by the way, our 6th baby is due in eight weeks!

Part of this journey has been giving up control. I didn't really think of myself as a control freak--when you are responsible for everything, you are just in control. Turns out, I have minor control issues and I continue to work through them. (Yes, there is more than one route from Safeway to the house--I just have one I prefer!) I apologize for getting upset when things are different than I'm used to, or in places I wouldn't have put them. So it's also been a journey of growing and changes.

Each day is full of its own new experiences. Some are exciting, some are scary, most are stressful in some way or another. But it's a journey that is blessed. And perhaps along the way, I'll have some insightful moments to share that will bless you. That's my prayer. Join me in the journey!