What no one tells you about divorce and remarriage

When my first marriage failed, I received lots of advice. Most of it was about finances and parenting alone. Some of it was about surviving the pain of the divorce itself. But what no one told me, what no one suggested or warned me about was the hazards that would befall me if I ever got married again.

Perhaps that is because within the Church, there are those who believe that there is no right for a divorced Christian to remarry. Perhaps it is because the rate of divorce for second marriages is higher. Perhaps people secretly believed, as I did, that I could not find a man worth marrying. At any rate, I am stumbling upon lessons that I wish could have been imparted before I remarried. (I hate making mistakes...sigh)

I entered into my first marriage at the very tender age of 18. I took the commitment very seriously. I got married to him for life. To me, divorce was not an option. I believed that there was nothing that our love and God wouldn't get us through. I was right about the second part, just not the first. And we were not set evenly on the faith field. At times, neither of us was seeking God's will for our marriage.

After two years of separation, we divorced. It was traumatic, but I knew that God wanted me to be at peace. I knew that God wanted me to find healing. And in time I did.

In time, I found the kind of love and marriage that God had wanted for me from the beginning. I could not fairly compare the two marriages, so I won't. But what I am learning is that what happened in the first marriage continues to haunt me in the second. There is still a fear of abandonment, although highly irrational. It's there whether it's logical or not. When you go into a marriage with belief that it is forever, and then the marriage falls apart and ends, it is nearly impossible to face a second with the same belief that it will be forever. The ghosts in the closet will attempt to follow you and haunt you. They whisper, "Yeah, but remember how it happened last time...wasn't it alot like what you're feeling right now...you can't honestly think he'll love you and stand beside you no matter what, especially after what you've already experienced." And you have to take a stand to ignore them.

So today, I am learning that healing is an ongoing process. I am learning that the scars from the first marriage can scab over and affect the new marriage. And I am flawed and so, so human. All I can do is go to Jesus, fall at his feet and ask Him to help me.

Father, I love my husband with all that I am. He loves me with the devotion that you have directed husbands to have for their wives. He loves me as Christ loves the church. And yet I have been wounded by past relationships. And because of this, I get afraid. I fear what is not present and real at this time because of what has happened in the past. In fact, I know that if I am honest, there is not an inkling of what has gone before present in my marriage. And I know that we both go to you when things get tough--on our own and together. We know and trust that you are the giver of all good things and the healer of all hurts. Heal me of the wounds that make my heart so cautious to let my husband really love me. Remove all doubt of his genuine-ness of heart so that I can be my best for him. Give us both the ability to be patient as we work through the myriad of challenges that a second marriage poses so that we can know and be absolutely sure that when our lives on earth on through, we will still be standing side by side, following you. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Not Afraid

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

--Christopher Robin to Pooh(A.A. Milne)

My son, Mr. M was born in 1997 with a complete bilateral cleft lip and palate. We were fortunate in many ways. We knew before he was born from an ultrasound that he was going to be cleft-affected. He was also born with a very symmetrical cleft which made it much easier for the surgeons to repair his lip and make him look "normal".

Before he was born, we met the cleft team that would be responsible for his medical care. We met other cleft parents. We were warned about the possibility of overt oral defensiveness. We met parents whose children had been to the orthodontist 20 times and still had not allowed them to place a single bracket or wire in their mouth. We were told about all the different surgeries that his future potentially held. We were informed of the possibility of cluster defects that might not be obvious until birth and of learning disabilities which might not be detectable until age 3 or 4, or even until after he began school.

But God knew me. He knew my son. And He knew how much we could handle, and what we couldn't.

Mr. M is the bravest, most courageous, fearless boy of 10 you'll ever meet. Today at 7am, he walked into the oral surgeon's office with a large toothy grin on his face for his 12th (no...that is NOT a typo) surgical procedure. The plan was to pull six ankylosed baby teeth from the bottom jaw, continue with a third vestibuloplasty, and open the hard palate to expose and pull down his adult bicuspids. OUCH.

They were unable to deal with the bicuspids. We will go back in two months to deal with those then.

But Mr. M came home without a single tear. He has taken the Tylenol-3 prescribed, but has not whined once. His upper lip is swollen to three times its normal size. He has a large mouthguard covering his upper teeth/jaw. He can barely talk. He can only take thin purees. And yet, he continues to walk into these appointments and surgeries with a smile on his face.

And I stand amazed. I cannot claim any responsibility for his bravery and courage. I cower at the idea of having wisdom teeth pulled or my tonsils removed. I made my OB doc promise that they would only do a caesarean section on me if it was a medical emergency.

And it makes me wonder, does he entertain angels unaware? Or, is he aware?

Maybe he knows this:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

--Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

Father, I cannot begin to thank and praise you for your hand upon my child. He continues to model for me what bravery is. He teaches me things that I would think I should model for him but do not posess. How great it is to know that he doesn't need to be afraid, and neither do I. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Diet Update: Day 8

Starting weight: 226.6 on 5/5/08
Current weight: 220.7
Loss so far: 5.9 lbs

I'd love to tell you that the change in how we're eating is going along without a hitch. But I can't. I am no longer having physical cravings for carbs, however the habit to eat them (it's not breakfast without toast, a bagel, oatmeal, or something like that) still hasn't been broken. It's amazing to me how much of our diet was filled with carbs. We have six days left to go on the first phase of the diet before we can begin to reintroduce "good carbs" and "whole fruits" to our diets.

Hubby has lost almost 10 lbs so far. Sigh....must be nice...his brand new jeans are starting to sag off his hips!

Today's going to be warm and sunny, but not hot. So I think baby and I will have a walking date. Watch out park! Here we come!

Faith-sharing

"I'm eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours. In this way, each of us will be a blessing to each other."

--Romans 1:12 NLT

Once upon a time, what seems long, long, long ago, I was married with three beautiful children and stayed home fulltime to raise them. Initially, the decision to stay home came out of necessity because daycare for two infants was too expensive to justify me working outside of the home. But then, as I sought my degree and grew into the mothering role, it became the place I wanted to be until my children all started school.

Then life happened. My world fell apart as my marriage crumbled and my definition of family was augmented. I no longer had the option of staying home with my children.

My re-entry to the workforce as a single mom happened six years ago.

But today, my life is in a much different place! Because of God's blessing and grace, I have found a wonderful Godly man who loves God first, then me, then "our" children (his two, my three, plus our one). And in celebration of that kind of life and love, we have had our first child together. I have been on maternity leave for almost 10 weeks now.

When I decided to take 12 weeks of maternity leave, I had reservations. I knew what having a new baby meant. I knew that there would be nights with no sleep, days with no awake hours, and lots of little moments that I would not want to miss. But I decided to take the FMLA leave because I didn't know if I would want to return to work for sure or not.

But now, as my leave is drawing to an end, I have faced a struggle many mothers have faced before me. I look at my baby girl, my three older children, and the lifestyle we are leading right now--walking to the elementary school each afternoon to meet the older kids, napping with the baby in my arms when I need to--and I struggle to let go of it and return to work.

Perhaps where the story is a little different than some is that I don't "have" to go back to work for our family to survive financially. Since we wed, my husband and I who both fully embrace the idea of Biblical finances have been steadily paying down and paying off our debts (most incurred when we were younger, in our previous marriages). We have tithed faithfully and avoided new debt.

But yesterday, I took the baby out to my office to show her off. (I'm a very proud mama!!) And while I was there, I knew that I had to make a decision. The end of my protected leave is drawing near, and that meant that I had to come to a decision about returning to work.

My husband and I have talked about this exact scenario over and over. Yesterday, I asked him exactly what God was laying on his heart about it. I knew what I felt God was telling me, but I also wanted to test it. I know that when God speaks, He doesn't contradict Himself. If my husband was hearing the same thing that I was, that would confirm that the voices we were hearing were truly God's voice.

"Don't close the door if they make you an offer that is better (i.e. telecommuting, part-time, pay increase). However, I feel that you should stay home. It's where your heart is, it's what I want for you, and I feel like it is where God is leading us."

And my only concern was that I had this small, niggling fear that with the economy what it is right now, closing the door completely could be disastrous for our family financially. I immediately added to that concern that it could be Satan raising this concern. I know how motivated he is to raise questions about God's faithfulness to take care of us. Satan knows that he can only pull us down when he causes us to question our faith and God's ability and desire to do what He has promised us He's going to do.

"Listen to how they respond. If they don't seem concerned that you want to walk away, if they don't try to dissuade you at all, we'll know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you should not go back. If they make you an offer, listen and ask for time to think it over. Then we'll pray about the offer to see how God speaks to us."

I know that God is faithful to take care of us. I have seen God's hand be shown mighty and powerful. I have experienced victory at His hands too many times to really doubt. And yet, I do. At moments that seem too big for me, I struggle over and over with letting go and letting God. My faith needs to grow. I need to get back to a place where I have resided before in the arms of God.

"Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come fearlessly into God's presence, assured of his glad welcome."

--Ephesians 3:12 NLT

I won't go into all of the details of the conversation, but the results were amazing! I decided to leave it to God, although I was afraid of the possible outcomes. However, my employer was sympathetic to my desire to stay home beside my children. They had anticipated (with the help of one of God's angels) that I would struggle with this decision and had already begun discussion about a way that I could continue working for them, but in a different capacity. Several different scenarios were given if I should decide to continue working, including the option that I had in my heart as being the only way I would decide to work without much struggle (and that was a scenario that I was sure existed only in my head and heart and not in a tangible "real" possibility). I asked that they firm up how they felt they could use me best and to get back with me.

I was forced to make no rash decisions. No doors were closed. And a possibility (which could lead to an additional source of income later) was presented.

Although this story is not over, it is a testament to what God will do when we have faith in Him and let Him work in our lives. Only God knows for sure what offer I will ultimately receive. And only He knows what I will decide to do, although I do know that it is my heart's desire to do only what He leads me to do.

But more than what this has proven to me about God and faith, is what it can show you.

"These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to take care of their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

--Titus 2:4-5 NLT

Father, each day that I have been given by you is a day that I can learn to be more like you, to walk more closely in faith to you, and to be blessed by you so that I can give those blessings forward to others through you. Continue to give me wisdom in this situation as well in each decision I have to make. And continue to make me submissive to your will in my life, to my husband, and to the lessons of faith that you will teach me in my life and through the witness of my fellow sisters in Christ. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Other verses to consider:

• Matthew 18:6
• Matthew 21:21
• Acts 14:22
• Romans 1:8

Please remember to share your stories of faith and faith-development with all your sisters in Christ. It should never be tiresome to them to hear them, or for you to share them!

Update: Diet, Day One

So we survived the day without carbs so far. I am craving sweets, I'll be honest. I want to grab a brownie fudge sundae and inhale it, although I know that this sacrifice is really worth it. My body is just needing to break the old, bad habit. Withdrawal is no fun.

Although we walked for an hour yesterday, we did not do as well today. The baby got us up at 5am and the older kids were up and moving around by 7am. At 9am, when the older kids were off to school, I went back to bed (I had sent my husband in at 7am since he has to work all night tonight). We got about an hour and a half catch-up sleep but neither of us seemed super-motivated to go walking or to the gym. Bad, I know...but I did have a baby less than a month ago...

Overall, I feel very good about my day. There are still foods in the house that we cannot partake of, but I did not eat any of those (and neither did my hubby). I didn't put anything in my coffee that wasn't on the "okay" list...and I have to be honest with you, it wasn't the same. And I'm a huge coffee drinker...so having it taste different wasn't a plus.

Here is where I failed miserably: I did not get my water in. I drank two glasses early this afternoon, but then because I was craving something sugary, I made some Crystal Light. I've only had two cups of that, but I had lots of coffee this morning. So my goal tomorrow is to drink more water.

That's it. I'm going to have a "No sugar added Fudgesicle" as my evening snack/dessert, and drink some more water. I can do this, and I know that in a few days, the cravings will subside...I know it.

First smile

Okay, there is nothing to say this time.

The pictures say everything that needs to be said.

Diet, Day One

So...we are doing it. We got up and fought off the urge to shove pancakes, english muffins, bacon, or sugary cereal in our mouths. We used fat-free half and half with sugar-free vanilla syrup in our coffee instead of regular French vanilla creamer and artificial sweetener (for me) instead of white sugar.

We ate scrambled eggs with onions, bell peppers, and fresh salsa in it and melted reduced-fat cheese. It was yummy, I must say, although I think next time I will add some black beans.

The day is still young...but I think we/I can do this. More later!

Weight Loss, Day -2

So...we had planned with the best of intentions to start our lifestyle change/diet today. We got up, we weighed, we recorded our horrifyingly high weights, and went to lunch at an Italian restaurant (on Cinco de Mayo...there's a reason; we aren't boycotting the Mexican restaurants...LOL...really!). Tomorrow night we are having dinner with BIL and his family. These first two days aren't really friendly to starting such a strict diet and exercise program. So today is day -2 (negative two).

After battling with a mindset today that I can't do two weeks without carbohydrates (including fruit and fruit juices), I have sat down and looked at what is allowed for the first two weeks. It's only two weeks, after all (as my wonderful husband keeps reminding me). It's only two weeks...it's only two weeks...it's only two weeks.

Okay, I think I've got a handle on the worst part being only for two weeks now.

So, I sat down and addressed a doable diet plan to survive the first two weeks. We know that there are lots of "diet evils" still in the house. Tomorrow, we will be going through the fridge, the cupboard, and anywhere else food may be hiding in the house. All those bad foods will be making their way out of the house (most of them aren't necessary really), and then we will head off to the grocery store to restock with the proper foods.

We are using the South Beach diet, and have purchased the NEW! South Beach Diet Supercharged book at Costco for only $14.99. When I lost weight a little over two years ago, I dropped almost $800 for a diet program. (I was successful and kept the weight off until I got pregnant!) The purchase of that book and the knowledge I have gained from the past--nutrition, anatomy and physiology classes and the previous weight loss program--have armed us with everything we need to be successful.

So, here it is...
Weight: 226

Goals for the week:
1. drink 8 glasses of water each day
2. eat only the prescribed foods (no carbs :( )
3. walk at least 45 minutes/day
4. spend 30 minutes on the elliptical 3x/wk

Sigh...so there it is. As embarassing as it is for me to put it on paper (or on screen as it is in this case), I know that there is great accountability in putting it there where everyone can see it and I can't hide from it. I'll weigh in again next Monday!

Nothing and Everything to Lose

Some of you have known me for eons. Some have only gotten to know me via this blog over the last couple of months. But what you need to know is that back in 2006, I took my tax return money and entered a weight loss program. Over a period of eight months, I shed 60 pounds and lost tons of inches. I began to eat right, workout, and actually "do" stuff with my kids. (It's terribly tough to run and kick a soccer ball when you're massively overweight!)


I did well maintaining my weight loss until I got pregnant late last summer. Since then, I've put on every single pound I'd lost, plus a few more. I am down 15 pounds since giving birth from my heaviest pregnancy weight (and this is exciting because I've had at least two pregnancies where I never did do that...for MONTHS!). But I have at least 70 pounds to lose. I need to start eating the way I used to, workout more like I used to, and feel great all over again.

Will it make a difference??? Here is my after picture (at 155) taken in November 2006....
This was just about two months ago...at 9 months pregnant with my hubby. Note the nice double chin...proof that I can look far better than I do now!

So, on Monday, hubby and I are making a new start. We are changing the way we eat, making regular daily exercise a part of our lives, and heading for a lighter existence. The way I look at it...we have nothing and everything to lose!

Pray for us as we start this together. I know that I can do this and be successful, but I also know how many people start and quit or give up before they make their goal, or go back to the old bad habits after they've reached their goal. I don't want either one of us to do that.

Busy but good

Just a very brief update to let everyone know that we are all doing well. It continues to amaze me how one tiny baby can consume so much of one's time and energy!

Thanks for the prayers...I've also gone to all formula at feedings which means my energy level is coming back up...and my energy level coming back up seems to be helping alot with the emotional roller coaster as well.

I hope to be back blogging soon...but rest assured, I'm still reading all of YOUR blogs! (I just find it hard to type with one hand, but not so tough to navigate the favorite links!)

Favorite Things: Kitchen Edition

Faithful Chick started a meme on our favorite things a couple of weeks back. Unfortunately, I've had my hands pretty full the last couple of weeks--waiting for a baby to arrive, and then caring for it and trying to rest up. I missed the first one (pout).





But, today's edition, I'm gonna make!





(Please keep in mind that I'm taking care of a 10-day old infant, three older children, and running...okay, who am I kidding? trying to run...the household now that my hubby has gone back to work. So, although many of you have taken pics especially for this meme...I'm going to use a file photo...thanks for your grace!)





So, here it is...the FAVORITE thing in my kitchen.....

Let me introduce my hubby, Mr. G. He cooks, he cleans, and he is by far the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. He cooked almost all our meals during my pregnancy and over the past two weeks. (He's pretty cute to look at, and he is a great cook, too!)

I am slowly moving back into my position as cook and bottle cleaner, but I couldn't have survived the last eight months or so without him. Basically, we'd have gone broke eating drive through or starved otherwise!

More than money

With my first three babies, I failed pretty miserably at breastfeeding. With my first baby, she didn't latch on correctly, and I gave up nursing less than a week after she was born. I was planning to go back to work in less than six weeks and it just didn't seem like a big deal to me. (I was only 20 at the time, so I was perhaps not as mature about such things as I could have been.)

My second baby was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Nursing him directly was, in fact, impossible. He could latch correctly or otherwise. Armed with a LARGE hospital-grade double electric pump, I went home from the hospital with a brand new special needs baby, a 13 month old toddler. I spent the first four weeks of his life bottlefeeding M (a 45-minute process per feeding), pumping breastmilk for another 30 minutes, feeding my daughter and changing both babies' diapers, and starting this all over again. I don't think I ever got more than 20 minutes sleep at a time during the first month. (Oh, did I mention that we also had more than 10 doctors' appointments in that month also???) At a month, I gave up. In tears, I asked them to come pick up the pump. I was only pumping 6 ounces of breastmilk each day even after being put on Reglan. I was tired, frustrated, and sad.

Baby M ended up having food allergies. Less than two weeks after I stopped adding breastmilk to his feedings, he started puking profusely, including bloodclots. It took nearly three months before the pediatric gastroenterologists listened to me and tested him for corn allergies (rare, but more common if one parent had been affected as an infant; I had been). He was allergic to corn. I'll never know for sure whether or not the little bit of breastmilk he got the first month worked to counteract the allergy, but my hunch is that it did, since the issue didn't show until breastmilk had been completely removed.

Baby #3, J. I was determined to give this baby my best shot. He latched on immediately like an old pro. We did everything right. No pacifier or bottle. But four days later, he ended up in the ER dehydrated and jaundiced. My milk had not come in adequately, and while he was nursing every 2 hours, he just wasn't getting enough milk. At four days, he had dropped from 9lb, 10oz. to 8lb, 7oz--more than a 10% loss. They got him hydrated and the jaundice resolved, and I got more Reglan, a breastpump, and lots of lessons with a lactation consultant on how to produce more milk. I pumped and nursed faithfully for three months. Baby J picked up his weight quickly and by three months, weighed in at 16 lbs. I quit when he started biting me aggressively during the nursing sessions. But he was a very healthy baby. I don't think he had a single symptom of illness until he was 11 months old and picked up a nasty tummy virus.

So with baby EM on the way, I vowed I would do everything I could to give her breastmilk too. But I have made mistakes. First, we gave her a binky and a bottle. Second, I haven't been pumping faithfully. Turns out the three older kids still want TONS of attention, and I'm short on energy. Pumping at midnight, 2am, 4am, 6am have not been attractive options. Daddy has fed baby and let me sleep many nights. Also, I thought I could get away with a manual pump. Wrong. Very wrong. And good electric pumps are not cheap. Before, we qualified for programs for low income families that provided the pumps at no charge. Now, well, we're better off even though our family is much larger.

So, pray for me. I am planning to bite the bullet and give this a real try again. Unfortunately, she still is not latching on correctly. She has nipple confusion, from what I'm reading. My milk production is still only about 4-6 oz. per day, which is far short of what she needs to survive. I don't really want to go back on the Reglan (it is a natural gas producer *blush*). But more than money, more than fame, more than anything else I can think of...okay, maybe not more than a 6 BR, 4 bath house...I want to be able to give my baby girl breastmilk. I want to be able to do what so many other women do, and what so many other women don't even try to do. God created breastmilk as best for baby, and that's what I want to give her. More than anything.