Face Time

12 Then one night the Lord appeared to Solomon and said, “I have heard your prayer and have chosen this Temple as the place for making sacrifices.

13 At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or command grasshoppers to devour your crops, or send plagues among you.

14 Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.

15 My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to every prayer made in this place.

16 For I have chosen this Temple and set it apart to be holy—a place where my name will be honored forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart...



19 “But if you or your descendants abandon me and disobey the decrees and commands I have given you, and if you serve and worship other gods,

20 then I will uproot the people from this land that I have given them. I will reject this Temple that I have made holy to honor my name. I will make it an object of mockery and ridicule among the nations.

21 And though this Temple is impressive now, all who pass by will be appalled. They will ask, ‘Why did the Lord do such terrible things to this land and to this Temple?’

22 “And the answer will be, ‘Because his people abandoned the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and they worshiped other gods instead and bowed down to them. That is why he has brought all these disasters on them.’”

(from 2 Chronicles 7:12-16, 19-22 NLT)



Once upon a time ago, I was a military wife. And I remember hearing the enlisted guys talk about "face time". The term referred to the amount of time they worked with or directly under an officer who would have the ability to help them get promoted. Most of the time, you wanted face time. The enlisted members who received the most face time (for positive reasons and not for correction) had a great advantage for getting nominated for service awards and medals. Especially in the upper levels of the enlisted force, this face time which equalled being known paired with awards and medals can make or break a promotion.

Here in 2 Chronicles, God speaks to King Solomon after the completion of the Temple in Jerusalem. This has been Solomon's pet project, an inheritance from his father David who could not build it because of his military background. Solomon has spared no cost on parts, materials, and labors. I guarantee you that Solomon did not accept a single "lowest bid" to have this temple built. This temple was to be grand. It was to be legendary. It was to state for all the future generations on earth how much David and Solomon loved and served their God.

"I have chosen." God assures Solomon that this is a pleasing thing he's done. God's spirit must have laid upon Solomon and David as they chose the plan and location for this temple. God has chosen both men to be king in their due time, and He has chosen Solomon to be the architect of His Temple.

In the upper enlisted ranks, there is a selection process. Packages are put together, and there are sometimes interviewing boards to select nominees for promotion. Again, face time leads to being chosen.

"I might shut up the heavens, or send plagues among you." Wow! I'm not sure how Solomon responded to this declaration from the Lord. I can only imagine how I would respond. And well, I would have been indignant. I would have wanted to point out this temple yet again and ask why the Lord might send disaster to my door. I mean, this was one of Solomon's greatest accomplishment which the Lord had just blessed, how could He turn in the same breath and say He might send calamity?

But then I think about character, especially how we develop character. I've heard it said more than once that character is defined by how you responding when everything is stripped away from you. And at the root, our real character is evident when nothing and no one is around. While tragedy and crisis work to develop our character, how you respond or act when no one is looking really defines your character.

And I wonder if Solomon understood that God was not attempting to be mean or cold-hearted, but would seek true believers but putting their character to the test through famine and pestilence. Perhaps in his magnificent wisdom he could see that the Father knew what He was going to do. Or maybe, unlike me, he was patient and waited to hear everything that the Father had to say before responding.

I would bet that when there are selection boards in the military, one of the things that they look at is a soldier's ability to stay strong, rational, and effective in the light of crisis. And, if they have done this while under the direct supervision of a high ranking officer, I'm sure that the "face time" is immense.

We need to seek God's face more. It is too easy for us to seek the admiration and glory bestowed by men. Who doesn't like to get a Kudos or an "Atta Boy" every now and then? And our society is based upon achievement which only further propagates our desire to be the best and strive for excellence in the sight of men. And yet, it seems to be almost impossible to seek fame and adoration by the masses and still have a heart that seeks God's face first and foremost.

I believe that so many of my problems today arise from my desire to seek the face of the world and ignoring God and His will for my life. I put hours into training for career skills. I worked long hours, pushed aside my family in the attempt to pay bills so that we met the "status quo", and longed for promotion. And yet, I believe had I sought God's face first, I would have made my bills without the struggle to be the best employee by going above and beyond. In fact, I believe that I likely hurt my chances for promotion because I tried so hard. I was taken for granted by my employer. And who wouldn't take someone who works hard and for little pay take that for granted?

But if I had instead sought God's face, face time with the King, I believe things may have been different. My desires would have been different. My relationship with my children would have been different.

And the amazing part of it all is this: When I realized my error, and I turned away and began to seek the face of God, grace was there to wash away my past mistakes. God forgot about my misplaced priorities. He restored me--to my children, to the community, to the church, and to a loving marriage. All I had to do is seek His face.

Father, I am amazed at how easy it is to please you sometimes, and yet how ignorantly I choose to do things that are anything but pleasing. Please forgive me for the error of my ways. I come to you now seeking your face and the glory that only you can give me. And I pray that the beauty of your face will be reflected upon mine as I strive to know you more and more and serve your people. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Check back for Part Two: Knee Time

[silence]

Sigh. I am taking a break from the political scene. I can't stand it anymore. The media bias has overwhelmed me--from both sides, from the mainstream left to the "backwoods" right views. I am tired of this campaign.

To be honest, I think the two major political parties have NOTHING new to offer. And I know that the smaller parties don't have the money to gain the support needed to win the election.

I am voting, rest assured. I wouldn't miss it for anything. Because above the irritating whine of the media is the knowledge that I have a voice, even if it is a small one.

And even bigger than that...I'm praying. Because I believe that the only thing that can save our country from where it is right now is God.

So I'm turning off the TV news. I'm avoiding some of my favorite blogs and websites. I'll be back on Wednesday. Until then, I'm going to pray. Perhaps I'll fast and pray too. Join me, won't you?

Starting over...again

So, I'm going to be perfectly honest with all of this. Two years ago, I joined LA Weight Loss and in just seven months, I lost nearly 70 pounds. I didn't do the supplements. I just changed the way I ate. The program really worked for me. I felt great, I looked great. I WAS GREAT!

And then I met my wonderful husband. I stopped going to the gym four times a week. We started keeping sugar and white flour in the house. I got pregnant. I worked fulltime during my pregnancy which sucked out all the energy I had to start with, so I sat on my rear end for nine months. And surprise, surprise...I put back on EVERY SINGLE POUND plus a few new ones.

UGH!

And while I know that I can do what I did back then again, it has alluded me. I've tried other diets, only to find them expensive and then quitting. But tonight, I set out to find a diet plan online that was similar or identical to the eating plan I used before.

AND I DID IT!

So this weekend is payday. I resolve to sit down and plan "our" menus for the next two weeks using the plan. I resolve to get exercise back into my routine EVERYDAY. And I resolve to really work hard on the maintenance this time because it is absolutely embarassing to know that I did so well before only to put it back on.

Check back later. I'm going to post a "before" pic. In it, I will pose very similarly to what they do on the Biggest Loser. I'm going to mark out a spot in the house and an outfit to wear. Every four weeks, I will pose again. I am going to keep the diary and record the water intake, the food, the exercise. Why? Simply because I know it works.

So here's to starting over again!

The problem is me

That may seem like a big statement to make. In fact, even as I sit here writing this, I want to say no and go to bed and ignore what is on my heart. And yet I know that like Jonah, I will be tossed in the sea and spit out by the big fish if I am not faithful to the command of the Lord.

We all have problems. Jesus said in Matthew that in this world, well, we would have problems. We would persecuted because we love him. But from the time that rotten old serpent slithered his way into Eve's vision and brought doubt into her mind, this world has been full of problems. Sin created our problems.

But, what of the born again, sanctified, blood-washed saint? Paul said in Romans 6:14,

Sin is no longer your master, for you are no longer subject to the law,
which enslaves you to sin. Instead, you are free by God's
grace. (NLT)

If we are no longer slaves to sin, than how is it that we still have problems?

With the economy what it is, and the choice we have made for me to stay home and raise our children and manage the household, we are struggling at times to make sense of it all. As we pay off debt, our utilities increase. We never seem to get ahead. We continue to tithe, as we continue to pray believing that no one can afford not to tithe, nor can anyone afford not to spend time in prayer.

God continues to be faithful. He was, He is, and He is to come. Not one letter of His word has changed since He first delivered it to the writers via divine inspiration. And yet, with all of the Bible that I have read and studied, with all of the witness and testimony from my own past, I get afraid. I worry. I doubt. I cry out in exasperation. And I wonder what my problem is.

THE PROBLEM IS ME.

Without grace, I am nothing. I am nothing more than a leaf blowing in the wind. I am here for a season, and then I am swept away. Without grace, I am a sinner who deserves nothing but death. I am a child who needs discipline and reproof yet laughs in the face of the teacher. Without grace, wisdom bestowed upon me is wasted and thrown away. Without grace, I have no value.

But I know that I have been bought with the price of Jesus' blood. I know that His blood has bought for me victory, joy, breakthrough, blessing, and a whole host of other gifts that the Father has given me. Through grace.

And yet, I see myself as having no value. Although I strive to be like Jesus, I badger and belittle myself when I fail. When I feel as though I have no value, I blame my children, my husband, my family, my friends for not seeing and praising me for my value. I tell God that no one appreciates me. I ask for another blessing, but only with my tongue in cheek because I have just told Him that I have no value.

The problem is me.

I have two wonderful boys who God has entrusted me to raise. They share a bedroom and a great distaste for taking responsibility for their own actions. I am actually starting to believe that there is a third boy sharing their bedroom. His name is "Notmee". I say this because I can be assured that this third child is destroying the room that the other two have cleaned. I know this because when I ask them who made the mess on the floor, who took the books off the shelf, who threw their dirty clothes on the floor, they always tell me, "Notmee."

But perhaps the bigger point here is learning to take responsibility for the actions that they blame on each other. The younger of the two always tells me it's not his fault when he spends all of dinner time in laughter because his brother made him laugh. The older one tells me it's not his fault when he hits his brother because his brother made him mad.

To which I ask, "Did he tickle you?" or "Did he get inside your head and tell you that you had to be mad?" They don't like those questions. They dislike the whole idea that while we cannot change the past actions of those around us, we are always able to choose how we will respond to them. Of course, if you are 7 or 10-year olds, you just respond without thought. But not so as an adult and parent, right?

But that's it exactly. When I get a utility bill that has almost doubled, I immediately panic and get afraid and want to blame the utility company for raising their rates. I pray to God and ask Him why He's letting them do this to me. Why am I being punished for their desires? And what I fail to see is that the problem here is not the utility company, it is not my family's fault (well, not entirely...at least), and it is not God's problem. God did not create this problem. And in a heartbeat, I have taken the problem away from Him by becoming irrational and forgetting His promises:

And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
(Matthew 28:20),

or:

So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough
food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and
clothing?... your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable
to him than they are. (Matthew 6:25, 26b)

The problem is not God. God's faithfulness has not changed. His love for me has not changed either. The problem is my own doubt and fear.

Perhaps you are experiencing this yourself. Perhaps you have come to the conclusion that the greatest detriment to your own faith deepening isn't the "horrible" choice of songs during praise at church, nor is it the offensive perfume/cologne someone beside you decided to wear. It is not the teaching geared to the soul who is sitting there for the first time hearing the good news, nor is it a baby crying or giggling. The biggest stumbling block in the growth of our faith is ourselves. We tie ourselves to the past, to our failures, to our fears and doubts and then we become the problem.

God has already promised over and over to provide for us more than we can begin to hope or ask for. We need to get out of the way.

Father, I realize that the problems I am experiencing have nothing to do with my intrinsic value in your eyes. They have nothing to do with your faithfulness and promises. The problem is that I want me first--not you. Father, search me and know me. Let me see these things just as you see them, and then remove them from my character. And above all, remove all of my selfish nature. Teach me to ask to be a blessing, and not to just receive one. Teach me to lift others up instead of just trying to stand on their shoulders. And above all, give me more of you and less of me so that I can be light and salt in this world, my temporary home. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Checking in

I have been on a hiatus called life. The summer was very busy with up to seven kids in the house on a given day...softball two or three days a week for my oldest daughter...trips to and from Portland to pick up my husband's children and drop them off...camping in Montana...oh, I couldn't begin to list all the excitement!

The kids are back to school now, and that means days are much quieter. I spend my days volunteering at the middle school (I am doing this for the first time and jumped right in as a Volunteer Coordinator!), cleaning the house, and chasing my beautiful five-month-old baby girl who sits and crawls and rolls! *sigh*

I am alive and well. The family is also alive and well, although we ended the summer with the first fractured bone and stitches caused in an accident--not bad considering I have four kids from 5 mo. to 12 years old! (My youngest son, seven years old, fell off the jungle gym at a city park and landed nose first into a metal beam--fracturing his nose and requiring a few stitches for a small laceration across the bridge of the nose.)

Here's a pic of the baby. Enjoy! And thanks for checking up on me...I hope to be more acclimated to this new lifestyle and more active here again soon.

God bless!

(this picture taken just moments before brother, in orange, broke his nose....)

Penelope--now available on DVD

It's a rare thing to see or hear me tout a movie, music artist, book, or author. Part of this is because I believe there is so much difference in personal taste. Part of it is that I dislike free advertising for products. However, I'm going to break from my own personal ban on such flag waving to tell you about a most charming movie the children and I have discovered.

"Penelope" is directed by Mark Palansky. I could find little about Mr. Palansky, but the movie, I believe was strongly encouraged by Ms. Reese Witherspoon, of "Legally Blonde" fame. I do think Reese is adorable and have enjoyed many of her movies. But none of them left me touched the way this film did.

The main character is Penelope, a young aristocratic "blue blood" heiress who through some cruel twist of fate and the poor choice of a great-great grandfather is born with a pig's snout and ears. Imagine the horror of the upper crust family upon the birth of the dear child. The curse can be broken but only when the girl finds true love with one of her own kind.

Enter the mayhem that ensues as a good meaning mother attempts to match her daughter with a suitor of like kind. Boys enter unaware and as men run away...or perhaps, it is the other way around. But all believe that the only way for Penelope to become "normal" is through true love and marriage.

I don't want to give too much away, in case you haven't seen it. I highly recommend this movie to anyone with daughters. There is a strong message about learning to love yourself the way you are. And that same message really touched my son (born with cleft lip/palate) who also identified with Penelope's struggle with the mirror and herself within.

Christina Ricci and James McAvoy (think Mr. Tumnus in the first of the Narnia movies from Disney) star with Catherine O'Hara (Home Alone) and of course, the darling Ms. Reese Witherspoon. The movie was released on DVD this past Tuesday, and it is a MUST SEE for anyone with children (I would suggest age 5 or 6 and up).

Forever

"For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations." --Psalm 100:5 NIV

What a great verse to consider as we prepare for another beautiful summer weekend! The Lord is good! Sunny, lazy days in the backyard with the kids, on the beach by the lake or ocean, camping in the wild, or wherever your weekend will take you, the Lord has been good to you. He has given you good health to enjoy the day. He has surrounded you with friends and family. He is truly good!

And his love endures forever! Just how long is forever? Forever goes back before you were born. It reaches beyond the time when your grandparents, great-grandparents, their grandparents were born. It goes back beyond the first day on earth. And it reaches out before us beyond any generation we can begin to fathom. Forever means without beginning or an end. His love, unlike our own, has no end. It is not subject to whim or mood. It will not stop because we have done something to upset Him. Nothing we can do will cause Him to stop loving us. NOTHING! How wonderful is that???

And his faithfulness? It continues throughout all generations. Well, that's pretty much as good as forever, right? His faithfulness--his ability to be what He says He is, to do what He says He's going to do--is going to continue on beyond us, beyond our children, their children, and their children's children. His promises are forever. His faithfulness is without end.

What a great promise to grab onto and dwell on during a beautiful Friday like today!

Father, I am amazed that you have chosen to love me at all, but to love me forever--without beginning or end--that's too much for me to grasp. I love you because You first loved me, and that is all my human heart is capable of. I praise You for the works of your hands, the kindness of your heart, and the faithfulness of your Spirit. Continue to work in me as I raise my children, as I help my husband, and as I encounter those around me who do not know you. Make me a blessing and a witness to your love without end and your faithfulness throughout the generations today and each day! In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Justice

"He who gives me justice is near. Who will dare to oppose me now? Where are my enemies? Let them appear!" --Isaiah 50:8 NLT

Justice is a tricky thing, I've learned. There are many types of justice, but only one has eternal consequence--God's justice. And I have also learned that it is nearly impossible for me to grasp even a jot of what that is. Here is what we call justice:

jus*tice: n. 1. the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.

2. rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice.

3. the moral principle determining just conduct.

4. conformity to this principle, as manifested in conduct; just conduct, dealing, or treatment.

5. the administering of deserved punishment or reward.

6.the maintenance or administration of what is just by law, as by judicial or other proceedings: a court of justice.

7. judgment of persons or causes by judicial process: to administer justice in a community.

8. a judicial officer; a judge or magistrate.

The definition that applies to this verse, this promise from God is most likely the administering of deserved punishment or reward. And we are pretty certain as Christians that we know exactly what the punishments and rewards should be.

All too often, the church today is ready to throw accusations at leaders, at its members, its community. We are quick to point out the reasons others have failed and how they should be punished. We are also quick to point out how we have not tripped over the same issue and to expect some reward for being "good".

I have learned that what I believe is deserving of punishment is not always what God sees and punishes. At least not in my timing. I am reminded of a woman who continues to scheme ways of keeping her ex-husband from seeing their children. To me, it would seem appropriate for God to cast some punishment upon her NOW so that the children are able to build a relationship with their father. I mean, that would seem to line up with God's will, that a child be able to grow a relationship with their father, right?

But this is one of those places where my sense of justice doesn't match up entirely with God's. Perhaps it isn't that my sense is off, perhaps it's just the timing. ("Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance [is] mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." --Rom. 12:19 KJV)

Or what about the teacher who ridicules a kindergartener with special needs in front of his peers? And yet the school district does not remove the teacher from the classroom until further investigations can be completed. How is that fair? Why is that not punished?

Two things are laid upon my heart as I read this verse from Isaiah:

1. God protects me from unfair accusations and punishments.

2. God has given me grace at the cross of Jesus so that I don't have to face the just punishments that I deserve.

Both of those things are pretty powerful to me. I am protected from my enemies would unfairly accuse or try to punish me. I may never hear those accusations. They have been thwarted and muted by my Father. And because of that, I never have to face unfair punishment. I have nothing to fear! Also, I am protected from the punishments that I should receive (death) for my sins because of God's great love for me.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever beleiveth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." --John 3:16 KJV

Father, what a wonderful promise and gift you have given me. Even while I look at others and "judge" what they have done and try to assign blame and punishment, you protect me from unfair accusations and punishments. If that weren't amazing enough on its own, you also have paid the price, served the punishment of punishments on the cross so that I would not have to. I am not worthy of such love. And of course, that is what makes it grace. Thank you, Father, for loving and wanting me so much. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Becoming an emotional woman

I think we have all heard people stereotype women as being hyper-emotional. They blame female hormones for it. (I have to disagree with that!) And as women, I think we sometimes feel like we have to apologize for it. But I believe that God created us, as females, to be nurturing, caring, and thus emotional. If we weren't emotional would we still be caring? Isn't it a soft heart that allows one to cry when someone dies unfairly in a movie or when a small child calls her grandpa to wish him goodnight on a TV commercial for long distance service?

Of course, it is. And God designed us to be in relationships with others. Men, who have less tendency to be hyper-emotional, are created to balance us out as we are created to balance them. God created woman for this purpose:

"...but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner...this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken." --Genesis 2:20b, 23b NRSV

I used to be a stay at home mom in what seems like another lifetime. When my first marriage failed, I was forced back into the workplace to help support myself and my children. I was no longer mom and wife, I was now employee and mom.

Did you notice the order of my words? Before the separation and divorce, I was mom then wife (okay, I know someone may want to debate the healthiness of this...but that's for another time...). Afterwards, I became an employee then a mom. It was a difficult balance. I was also filling most of the role of father. I lived in constant exhaustion. I hated myself on many occasions for my role in the failure of my marriage that forced my children to be raised by only one parent. I hated telling my children that they couldn't play sports because I couldn't commit the time to all the practices and games. I hated having to leave my sick children with friends because I didn't have any vacation or sick time left and I couldn't afford not to get all my hours to make the bills. And somewhere in that whole process, I learned to be like a man. I forced myself to be less emotional. I wasn't cold or heartless, but crying at the drop of a hat wasn't going to serve me well.

In fact, I had vowed that my children would see me cry, but not so much that it would upset them and cause them to cry. I didn't want to transfer my pain onto them. I didn't want them to bear my grief or feel responsible for it. I knew that the divorce would weigh heavily enough on their little hearts and lives.

I think the hardest thing was having my son tell the daycare director that Mommy was very sad and he wished I could be happy. What a tearjerker!

When I was blessed with my current husband (my forever husband), I had learned so deeply how to stave off emotion, I still held back tears. He is a very kind and deeply feeling man and will cry at times before I do. But I can assure you that when he cries, it reassures me and I am able to cry myself. At our baby girl's birth, Mr. D cried. He was so blown away by seeing and finally holding our little angel, he cried. And I cried too. I cried because I knew how much he loved her and me. I hadn't been in that place for a very long time.

We both cried while watching the "John Adams" series based on the book by David McCullough. And Mr.D was shocked to see me in tears. (He read the 700+ page book, not me...although I'm an avid reader...I'll have to wait until my SIL B finishes until I can read it..."hurry up, girl!" LOL) I was so blown away by the love that John and Abigail had for each other.

Many nights, I sit beside my baby girl in bed and watch her sleep. I am blown away by how blessed I am to have this little angel in my care. I cry. I pray that I am worthy enough to train her well.

Basically, I have finally come to a point where I can be a woman again. I have a wonderful man who loves and takes care of me and our children (his, mine and ours). God has blessed me so many more times than I could have asked for. I am still working on accepting and embracing this new side to me, but Mr.D assures me that it's a good thing.

Father, thank you for making me so wonderfully female. You have created me just the way I should be even though circumstance has sometimes forced me to avoid my natural temperament. I figure at some point, I'm going to cry a river of tears--because you love me, because you have blessed me, and because I know how much I need you. Keep your hand upon me as I continue to embrace and rediscover my natural temperament. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

What no one tells you about divorce and remarriage

When my first marriage failed, I received lots of advice. Most of it was about finances and parenting alone. Some of it was about surviving the pain of the divorce itself. But what no one told me, what no one suggested or warned me about was the hazards that would befall me if I ever got married again.

Perhaps that is because within the Church, there are those who believe that there is no right for a divorced Christian to remarry. Perhaps it is because the rate of divorce for second marriages is higher. Perhaps people secretly believed, as I did, that I could not find a man worth marrying. At any rate, I am stumbling upon lessons that I wish could have been imparted before I remarried. (I hate making mistakes...sigh)

I entered into my first marriage at the very tender age of 18. I took the commitment very seriously. I got married to him for life. To me, divorce was not an option. I believed that there was nothing that our love and God wouldn't get us through. I was right about the second part, just not the first. And we were not set evenly on the faith field. At times, neither of us was seeking God's will for our marriage.

After two years of separation, we divorced. It was traumatic, but I knew that God wanted me to be at peace. I knew that God wanted me to find healing. And in time I did.

In time, I found the kind of love and marriage that God had wanted for me from the beginning. I could not fairly compare the two marriages, so I won't. But what I am learning is that what happened in the first marriage continues to haunt me in the second. There is still a fear of abandonment, although highly irrational. It's there whether it's logical or not. When you go into a marriage with belief that it is forever, and then the marriage falls apart and ends, it is nearly impossible to face a second with the same belief that it will be forever. The ghosts in the closet will attempt to follow you and haunt you. They whisper, "Yeah, but remember how it happened last time...wasn't it alot like what you're feeling right now...you can't honestly think he'll love you and stand beside you no matter what, especially after what you've already experienced." And you have to take a stand to ignore them.

So today, I am learning that healing is an ongoing process. I am learning that the scars from the first marriage can scab over and affect the new marriage. And I am flawed and so, so human. All I can do is go to Jesus, fall at his feet and ask Him to help me.

Father, I love my husband with all that I am. He loves me with the devotion that you have directed husbands to have for their wives. He loves me as Christ loves the church. And yet I have been wounded by past relationships. And because of this, I get afraid. I fear what is not present and real at this time because of what has happened in the past. In fact, I know that if I am honest, there is not an inkling of what has gone before present in my marriage. And I know that we both go to you when things get tough--on our own and together. We know and trust that you are the giver of all good things and the healer of all hurts. Heal me of the wounds that make my heart so cautious to let my husband really love me. Remove all doubt of his genuine-ness of heart so that I can be my best for him. Give us both the ability to be patient as we work through the myriad of challenges that a second marriage poses so that we can know and be absolutely sure that when our lives on earth on through, we will still be standing side by side, following you. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Not Afraid

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

--Christopher Robin to Pooh(A.A. Milne)

My son, Mr. M was born in 1997 with a complete bilateral cleft lip and palate. We were fortunate in many ways. We knew before he was born from an ultrasound that he was going to be cleft-affected. He was also born with a very symmetrical cleft which made it much easier for the surgeons to repair his lip and make him look "normal".

Before he was born, we met the cleft team that would be responsible for his medical care. We met other cleft parents. We were warned about the possibility of overt oral defensiveness. We met parents whose children had been to the orthodontist 20 times and still had not allowed them to place a single bracket or wire in their mouth. We were told about all the different surgeries that his future potentially held. We were informed of the possibility of cluster defects that might not be obvious until birth and of learning disabilities which might not be detectable until age 3 or 4, or even until after he began school.

But God knew me. He knew my son. And He knew how much we could handle, and what we couldn't.

Mr. M is the bravest, most courageous, fearless boy of 10 you'll ever meet. Today at 7am, he walked into the oral surgeon's office with a large toothy grin on his face for his 12th (no...that is NOT a typo) surgical procedure. The plan was to pull six ankylosed baby teeth from the bottom jaw, continue with a third vestibuloplasty, and open the hard palate to expose and pull down his adult bicuspids. OUCH.

They were unable to deal with the bicuspids. We will go back in two months to deal with those then.

But Mr. M came home without a single tear. He has taken the Tylenol-3 prescribed, but has not whined once. His upper lip is swollen to three times its normal size. He has a large mouthguard covering his upper teeth/jaw. He can barely talk. He can only take thin purees. And yet, he continues to walk into these appointments and surgeries with a smile on his face.

And I stand amazed. I cannot claim any responsibility for his bravery and courage. I cower at the idea of having wisdom teeth pulled or my tonsils removed. I made my OB doc promise that they would only do a caesarean section on me if it was a medical emergency.

And it makes me wonder, does he entertain angels unaware? Or, is he aware?

Maybe he knows this:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

--Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

Father, I cannot begin to thank and praise you for your hand upon my child. He continues to model for me what bravery is. He teaches me things that I would think I should model for him but do not posess. How great it is to know that he doesn't need to be afraid, and neither do I. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Diet Update: Day 8

Starting weight: 226.6 on 5/5/08
Current weight: 220.7
Loss so far: 5.9 lbs

I'd love to tell you that the change in how we're eating is going along without a hitch. But I can't. I am no longer having physical cravings for carbs, however the habit to eat them (it's not breakfast without toast, a bagel, oatmeal, or something like that) still hasn't been broken. It's amazing to me how much of our diet was filled with carbs. We have six days left to go on the first phase of the diet before we can begin to reintroduce "good carbs" and "whole fruits" to our diets.

Hubby has lost almost 10 lbs so far. Sigh....must be nice...his brand new jeans are starting to sag off his hips!

Today's going to be warm and sunny, but not hot. So I think baby and I will have a walking date. Watch out park! Here we come!