My Love Song

You are so beautiful and lovely.

You take my breath away.

I am captivated by who you are and what you are becoming.

My deepest longing is to be with you--always. I want to see you in the morning when you first awaken to greet a new day. I want to see you when you’re sweaty and your hair is falling off your shoulders in the midst of really living life. I want to see you when you are weary from a long day, and starting to fall asleep.

Did you know that I watch you as you sleep? It is the most beautiful sight. In that moment, your deepest beauty consumes me with a desire and passion to know you and be known by you more than you know any other person and are known by them.

Did you know that my heart breaks when you shed a single tear? I feel each one deeply and am troubled by the pain that you have faced and endured. But I want to wipe your tears. Listen. I call to you with a voice saying, “There, there, my love. I know this hurts. But I am here to hold you, to comfort you, to calm you. Here is my shoulder. Cry upon it for a time, but be prepared. I will give you joy to replace those tears.”

Don’t you know you’re beautiful? Did you think he wrote that song as an original idea? laughs No, I set upon his heart and his tongue those words that I say to you each day.

Why do you struggle so? Don’t try so hard. You cannot add to your beauty. Only I can do that. And rest assured that each day that you walk with me, that you look deeply into my eyes, my heart, my way I bless you with a greater beauty.

Do not hide from your beauty. Yes, they hurt you because you are beautiful. But they are the problem, not your beauty. Your beauty is a testimony to our love song. It is the way in which I reach others and touch them, even without you knowing that I have done it. Submit yourself, your beauty, your talent, your everything to me. I will fight for you. I will protect you. Be weak. Take risks. Know that I will keep you from falling.

Think of Elizababy. As she learns to walk, she takes risks. She risks falling and getting hurt. But still she makes the attempt. When she falls, she goes back to her first love--you--looking for healing and comforting. Does she give up and refuse to try again? No. Your love and comfort encourage her to take another risk and try again. Now, I am your first love. Come to me when you fall and get hurt. I will comfort you and heal your wounds. But do not be afraid to try again. I will protect you and encourage you. I am watching you, even when you do not know it. I love you.

Going too far

This morning, while my three kids at home were packing their lunches, I was watching the Today Show on NBC. I have to be honest: very few mornings go by that we don't watch the Today Show. Sometimes the media's view of life and the world is too liberal for me. My political and religious views are rarely reflected by the show. However, they often have interviews with celebrities that I enjoy, performances by groups I listen to (think Amy Grant on Christmas eve), and I do find value in hearing what the other side thinks or embraces.

Enter a segment today on young girls and cosmetics. Wait...let me rephrase that. I want this to be clear. The segment was about a trend in our country of marketing and selling hardcore make-up products (including fake eyelashes? ! ?) and spa treatments to young girls and preschoolers as young as 4! Yes, I did correctly type four.

Let me interject here a reminder: I am the mom to three children, stepmom to two more, and am expecting yet another. Among these six beautiful children are two girls--ages 11-1/2 and 10--and I would NEVER allow either of these girls to wear heavy makeup. The older one is allowed to wear body glitter (much to my disappointment, but it was a compromise) and clear lip gloss. She is encouraged to wear deodorant (ah, the joy of young pre-pubescent hormones!) and owns a bottle of modest body spray. I encourage her to use hair care products and to wash her face twice daily.

But I draw the line at colored makeup products for my almost 12 year old!

Perhaps I am getting old-fashioned and am losing touch. I mean, I suppose I am getting old. I'm almost (gasp) 32 years old now! LOL Yes, I do mean that in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way! Perhaps we are sending a horrible message to our young girls. Perhaps both.

And I wonder.....
Are we surprised that the number of girls being treated for eating disorders continues to grow? Are we surprised that mothers are encouraging their young daughters to lie so that they can win tickets to see concerts that run over $200 per person? Are we surprised that there is a generation of teen girls who do not think twice about considering plastic surgery to "correct" the "imperfections" God created them with? Are we surprised that very few women in our society, even in our churches truly believe that they are beautiful?

It breaks my heart to see our girls sexualized and demoralized in the name of physical beauty. It is a sad day when five year old girls develop an eating disorder because they believe that they are fat (just as sad as the child who is obese because they are not encouraged to be physically active), when ten year old girls buy and wear thong underwear (I am still in shock that these are sold and marketed to girls that young!), and when we embrace and accept these practices as being "okay" or acceptable.

I am brought back to the root of what I feel is safe to believe:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. --Proverbs 31:30

Beauty does not last. Physical beauty is fleeting. It mocks us at best. But God loves us so much that He has designed us as women to have something that lasts a lifetime that is far more attractive to the people who really matter--fear of the Lord.

It is my deepest prayer and hope that as I raise daughters that I am able to teach them to take pride in their appearance. I believe that God created us with a physical body that is unique to us so that we could take pride in it and be good stewards of it. But it is also my hope that they will know that what they look like will NEVER supercede the importance of who they are (PRINCESSES--daughters of the King of Kings!), and what their value is (bought with the blood of Christ). And I pray that I remember and embrace these values in the face of a society that is going to laugh at me and mock me and my girls.

Father, let me balance the importance of taking pride in and care of the body you have given us with the importance of raising up girls who know that true beauty is not physical, but spiritual and emotional. Let me model a healthy lifestyle and self-esteem for my girls and the girls around us, including modesty in dress and good health habits, so that I can remain relevant to them for you. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

The Way I See It

I have spent most of my "adult" years overweight. Perhaps it's not surprising when you consider that I've had three children, and spent most of those years taking care of them, and less taking care of myself. However, I know that there is far more to my past obesity (present obesity withstanding since I put the weight on during my current pregnancy and will be working my rear off to drop it again) than simply having three children. For years, I either ignored my "fat" body, or rationalized about it. I learned to love me the way I was and ignored the risks to my health and joints caused by my obesity.

As much as I dislike admitting my regular viewer-ship of reality TV, I have become a huge fan of NBC's "The Biggest Loser". Just a few weeks ago, Jillian, one of the trainers on the show told her team that there was always an underlying emotional reason for someone's obesity, and that until a person uncovered and dealt with that emotional reason for their obesity, they could not maintain any weight loss for a lifetime.

That really made me think.

Some of you are aware that I lost a tremendous amount of weight about 18 months ago. I maintained my weight loss really well until I met my husband, got married and pregnant. However, that was not the first time I faced that pattern. Back in 1999, I also lost a large amount of weight, maintained for six months until I got pregnant. I regained that weight and carried it around until 18 months ago...a period that was almost 5 years long.

For a long time, I addressed issues from my formative years that I thought were key to my obesity--eating habits, lack of exercise, the habit of convenience foods and drive through--and told everyone that I was not an emotional eater. In fact, when I'm overly stressed or emotional, I'm less likely to eat. But that is still a type of emotional eating. But what I missed all this time was that these were symptoms that led me to obesity, but they were not the cause. The cause lie much deeper than these.

I was raised by a single mom, and my biological father was emotionally and physically absent from my life. In fact, in my lifetime, I would estimate that I have spent less than 48 hours with him, including phone calls. I know who he is, but I've never really known him. He was always elusive. And I spent alot of my childhood bargaining with God to bring my father into my life. And when that didn't work, I attempted to gain my father's approval through my achievements.

But nothing I did--confirmation, high school graduation, my wedding, or my firstborn's baptism--was enough to draw his attention or interest in me in a real and tangible level. As a result, I did exactly what every sociological study about girls without active fathers predicts--I lost my virginity at a young age to an older boy who showed me attention. I sought this boy's love, since I could not get my father's love, and when he gave it and asked for more, I was more than happy to oblige, so long as he continued to love me.

The miracle is that God loved me all along and watched out for me. I was supernaturally protected from all the potential "results" of my mistakes. And I am able to write this because God loved me even when my biological father failed at it.

However, along the way, I learned to get men's attention. I wore close-fitting clothing and short skirts, low cut blouses, and longed for the attention of "older" boys. I hit puberty early and had much skill in actually drawing their attention, although it was for all the wrong reasons. I was the victim of things I should never have faced if I had simply had a "normal, healthy" relationship with my dad. But I didn't. And eventually, I learned that attention equalled power. But among other girls, it made me hated and despised--the object of gossip and lies.

Somewhere along the way, I got married and had kids. As a mom, I couldn't be the "sex kitten" anymore. My job was raising those kids, and I got caught up in that and "let myself go". I put on weight with each of my pregnancies, and at age 24 weighed in at 220 pounds! I had three beautiful children, and I loved myself mostly, but I was borderline "morbidly" obese.

When I made the decision to make a change and lose the weight back in April 2006, my decision was based upon health factors, and a "teensy" bit by my desire to meet a great guy. I could tell from my mom and her sisters' health issues where my life and health were going if I continued to carry around the extra weight for years and years. I did not want joint problems at a young age. I knew I had to make a change, and quickly, for life. And I knew that I wanted a healthy guy in my life, but how could I expect a healthy guy to accept me with unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits. A change was absolutely necessary.

So with help, over eight months, I lost nearly 70 pounds, going from 220 pounds to 155 pounds. I couldn't believe how great I felt and looked! Even women commented on my weight loss. I became an inspiration to others at work. I worked hard at my weight loss, and I was proud of myself.

But along the way, while I was taught to deal with the symptoms of my obesity--mindless eating, unhealthy food choices, lack of exercise--I never did deal with the real issue because I didn't really know what it was. It wasn't until I had lost the majority of that weight that it began to reveal itself to me.

My weight was a security blanket. It kept me from the unhealthy habit of attracting men's attention with my body. It forced me to stand on my personality and skill, not on my looks. Being the fat girl, I forced men to respond to me in what seemed like a "safer, more real" way. And it reinforced better choices for me, especially after a divorce that left me feeling unattractive and rejected even further. The men who did notice me were quality men seeing my skill, my personality, seeing a more "real" me. I was unremarkable physically. I had acne (even as an adult) and with my weight, men saw right through me. I even worked in an all-male office and often was heard commenting that it was almost as if in their eyes, I was asexual.

But when I dropped the weight and regained a curvaceous figure, the guys who had never noticed me physically started to drop hints and hit on me. And suddenly I found myself becoming hostile towards them about this. A man who had known me for three years during my obesity became almost aggressive in his desire to take me to dinner, although prior to my weight loss, his interest never left business. I was quite offended that I had "value" in his eyes as a thinner version of me, but had lacked value previously. I was the same person, only my wrapping had changed!

Even until I got married and pregnant, I continued to have similar experiences. Men who had not paid attention to me before my weight loss had new interest in me. And it was quite infuriating.

Ultimately, the problem was that being thinner, I became an object--when I was younger by choice, and now that I was wiser, somewhat by default. Neither really made the "real" me happy or feel loved. What I had desired all along was to be loved by my daddy.

See that was it. The real reason for my obesity was to hide from hurt and bad patterns I learned as a child to protect myself from the hurt caused by my biological father's rejection. To this day, there is still pain in my heart knowing that he still has not found enough interest to be a part of my life. But at this point, I also realize many other things. I have been protected from an emotionally abusive relationship. I have learned that my value does not come from my looks, although I feel better about myself when I like how I look. (The stress here is that I feel better when I like how I look...not when men like how I look.) And ultimately, the loss is my father's and not mine. I was the victim. It was not my fault. I cannot change his choice. I cannot convince him I'm worthy of his time, attention, or love. And those are the same lessons I learned from my failed marriage. True love doesn't require me to prove my worthiness to someone else.

I am beautiful and loved. God created me and bought me at a high price. I was set aside to be a princess. And no man can take that away from me. And only when I truly claim that knowledge in my head and heart can I really see me the way I am in a healthy manner, no matter what I weigh.

As I near the end of my pregnancy (and as I weigh in at the same weight as my previously highest weight), I have decided and resolved to lose all the baby weight again in the first year. I will do it, not by centering on a weight, but centering on health--measured by body fat and fitness, and by blood pressure and cholesterol--for my children, for my husband, and for me. But most of all, I will do it because God loves me and made me His temple. And there is a great blessing in taking care of it for those reasons.

"Do not consider his appearance or his height... The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

--I Samuel 16:7 (NIV)