Then Sings My Soul Saturday--"First Time"

Many thanks to Amy over at "Signs, Miracles, and Wonders" for starting this wonderful music meme--one of my personal favorites! Although I am anticipating being VERY busy this Saturday with a brand new baby, I'm going to take advantage of the ability to write this now (Tuesday afternoon), and post it late Friday night or Saturday morning.

Perhaps in response to preparing our hearts and home for our new baby, I've been thinking about something that God has given me--something that I could never have truly expected to receive although I continued to ask God for it in faith. My doubt had more to do with it being a fairytale than about God being able to provide.

When I became a single mom back in 2002 after over 8 years of marriage, everything that I had held onto as being real and true was ripped from my hands, my life, and my heart. The sacredness of the wedding vows I had spoken at the very tender age of 18 seemed so very far away, and while I never questioned God or blamed Him for the position I found myself in, I did question His design for family and marriage. At the same time, however, I knew that the only way to survive my new lot in life was to stay connected to God and the church. But often I found that the church judged me and made me question myself more often than not.

And yet, in time, I found healing from my divorce and the strength to reject the ideas that left me judged and marked with a scarlet letter. I found the grace and forgiveness that Jesus bought for me with his life on a crude wooden cross. I realized that although I had made choices and embraced decisions that ultimately helped destroy the marriage and family I was mourning, God looked at me and saw a precious little child who was hurt and broken, and reached out His arms to hug me and to calm me.
Ask me and I will tell you some remarkable secrets about what is going to happen here. --Jeremiah 33:3 NLT

The same grace that Jesus extended to the woman caught in adultery, the same forgiveness he gave to the leper and to the criminal on the cross beside me were being extended to me. I just had to find healing and forgive myself. I needed to seek God first in my life and move on.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. --Matthew 6:33 NIV

As I let go of my desire for a man in my life and replaced it with the desire to live for and serve God regardless of what my life looked like, God led me to some truths I had missed previously. I read the book of Ruth in a new light. I saw the provision of a wife for Isaac (and the provision of a husband for Rebekah). I saw a different way of meeting and mating than what I had experienced and viewed growing up. I saw a different version of marriage and husbandry. And I did not know if I could pick that kind of person for myself, and oh how I wanted a husband like that for myself (and a father like that for my children!).

I wanted a love, a husband who would love me like Christ loved the church, and I knew the husband I had the first time around didn't know what that meant, let alone attempted to be that. I wanted what God wanted, and more.

I gave up my hunt for a husband, realizing that I was not equipped for the search.

And I decided to surround myself with Christian friends in my neighborhood--male and female--instead of seeking a boyfriend. I hit myspace looking for these kind of people in my neighborhood. (A large number of the people I saw there paid lip service to their faith, but I had learned how to tell from a few simple sentences which were not at the same place as I, and went into it with eyes wide open).

And little did I know, there was this awesome Christian man who had been on a journey of heartbreak, healing, and was also looking for someone to spend his life with. And you know what! ? ! He lived less than 2 miles away from me...and he wanted more kids (lots more! which is good since I came with three to start...)!

Over time, I realize that what I have with my husband, my second chance, is so totally different and exactly what God had intended for me from the beginning. And when I listen to "First Time" by Lifehouse, it speaks exactly what my heart feels. I am so grateful for the second chance. And to be honest, it actually is better than the first time. It's amazing what happens when we live within God's will!

Enjoy a little bit of Lifehouse for me!

The ultimate Valentine

Last year, I was alone for Valentine's Day by choice. By that, I mean that I had given up looking and had not been approached by a suitable man. I didn't mind though. It was where I was in my life, and I embraced it (although it was hard to watch as the other women at work got flowers delivered all day long!).

Today, I am married to the most wonderful man that I could have in my life, and I'm expecting his baby. Money's tight, so our celebration was simple. And although I still didn't get flowers delivered to me at work, inside there was still a joy in my heart. I know that I am loved--with or without flowers.

And all of this made me really think about being loved. Even when I was a single mom, working crazy hours and longing for a great Christian man to come into my life, I was still loved. In fact, I have never been unloved. NEVER.

The amazing thing about love is that we can all have it. God sent Jesus to us as a baby to demonstrate how much He loves us. In a way, Jesus is a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses. He is the symbol and the price of God's deep love for us. And Jesus' life is not unlike a rose--filled with beauty, and marred with thorns. Jesus is our Valentine's rose.

I believe that the best time to receive roses from my beloved is at a time when I won't expect it. So while receiving roses on Valentine's Day is very romantic, receiving them one week afterward, or before, is even more romantic, because it is not expected. This is the same kind of romance we see in God's gift of Jesus.

Jesus came in a way that was unexpected (although it was foretold). And his arrival was a surprise to many who thought a king should have a more noble and royal arrival. Even the people who had been foretold of his coming did not accept or realize that he was who he was. It was that much of a surprise!

And we can all have that gift. God sent Jesus for each one of us because He loved us. All we have to do is acknowledge that, accept our need for forgiveness and our inability to save ourselves, and ask Jesus into our hearts. And then we can have a Valentine every day, no matter what.

The Man-Fast--Looking Back One Year

“As part of this man-fast, I am giving up trying to guess what you are saying or what it meant. I’m not going to try to figure it out. It doesn’t matter what I think it meant. It matters that I am faithful to you, and right now, I know that I must put you first. No man has the right to come before you in my eyes. No human man can love me the way that you already do. And while I still would like to have a husband someday, if that is your will for me, I will choose to live today as I am, content and living with purpose…Please help me each day to keep my eyes on you. I know that it is a command, and then a promise.

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these thingswill be given to you.

How I missed that for so long, I don’t entirely know. And sadly, I am sure that someday in the future, I will miss it again. But for now, I am hungry for more of you. I want to know and be known by you. I want to serve for you. I want to love and be loved by you. I want to be exhorted by you. Show me new and wonderful things about yourself. Reveal your will each moment that I breathe so that I may know you and what I should be doing to follow you.”

The above is from my personal prayer journal written just one year ago, while I was on my “man-fast”. I felt led by God to put aside the desire for a man in my life. When I started the man-fast, I stopped chatting online, and all communication beyond work and church with single men. I knew that God had something special for me, if I could only stop and see it. So I gave up the distraction so that God could and would talk to me.

ONE YEAR LATER…how have my struggles changed? how are they still the same? Have any of the insights from a year ago really dramatically changed my life? Will today’s insights change my life in the coming year?

Ironically, when I gave up my desire to find a man to spend my life with, not too much later a wonderful man was dropped into my life. He was a man who saw me in much the same way God does, and I still feel unworthy of the love and devotion of either. However, I still struggle daily with putting God before my desire to please my husband. I think that most of us struggle with this, as Paul noted in I Corinthians 7:

“In everything you do, I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. But a married man can't do that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be more devoted to the Lord in body and in spirit, while the married woman must be concerned about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (vs. 32-35, NLT)”

Clearly, the married folk have the complication when serving God of trying to make a spouse happy and still serve God with a whole and complete joy. I know for a fact that I struggled with this in my first marriage. I had no idea how to make God happy, and even less idea how to make my husband happy. And in the end, I failed both miserably. (Praise God for forgiveness that allows me a fresh start!)

That’s not to say that I believe that marriage is within a constant struggle of our relationship with God. I just believe that it is a very careful balance, one that even I cannot begin to explain to others. But what I do know is that marriage to a like-minded believer is much easier than to a non-believer. In fact, I am so excited because my husband and I read the Bible together everyday. He reads it aloud to me, and I follow in my own Bible so I don’t get distracted. We talk about what we’ve read. We search each other’s knowledge for things we may not understand, and we discuss our take of what we’ve read and how it applies to our own lives. We also talk about the sermons from both churches. Most weeks, the morning message (my church) is a lead into the evening message (his church), and it deepens our understanding of the Word and of God.

Did my insights from last year really change my life for today? Well, I’m writing about it. That must mean it did. And the fact that I’m writing about it for you to read means that it will likely make a difference in a year. And that is the wonderful part about growth. When you stop growing, you die. I have no plans for that anytime soon!

If you are reading this because you are still searching for “Mr. Right”, I pray that God will make it clear to you exactly what He wants for you. It may be just what He wanted for me--to give up that desire and make God Himself the ultimate desire of your heart, or it may be something quite different. No matter what it is, when you seek God first and align your heart and life with that, the rest is sure to be a blessing. And ultimately, the man-fast taught me one thing: God-seeking first means no man-seeking required.